To be real, we could watch Lorelei Lee read the back of a cereal box and be engrossed. On the other hand, thank gooooodness Lorelei Lee chose the profession of “epic porn star” and not “epic back of cereal box reader” (we’re assuming that would be some sort of performance art thing).

We’re not sure if it’s medically validated, but we’re pretty sure facials are great for your health. They’re great for skin, they elevate seratonin levels, and they strengthen tooth enamel (hence the importance of the smile). But, uh, okay. In reality these likely factoids aren’t 100% true. But that doesn’t really matter to us! Because they make us feel good, that’s all.

That’s basically the bottom line here. But we’ll make some commentary because, hey, that’s what we do. Your room is a little messy, girls. Maybe it’s clothes and undies strewn about from deciding what to wear for a night out to the club. Or maybe those are bags full of lovely new dildos just waiting to be tested out. Hell, maybe you’re gonna squeeze both these activities into the same evening… So, you better get a move on! There’s no time to just sit around fondling each other and all deep-tonguing each other’s throats. Just kidding — there’s always time for that.

We were fans of the series as is, but if things had taken such sexy turns while we were reading we would have snuck out the flashlight and read all night. This blonde biddie has taken things to the next level, getting a friend involved to live out the plot in all its smutty detail. Awesomely, the tale revolves around a lot of cunnilingus and bangin’.

It’s a combination of which we’ll never tire. It’s like peanut butter and jelly, like Abbott and Costello, like dicks and cumsluts. Timeless, really. And all it takes to bring about the magic is a deft handie, kind of like the one this lusciously be-breasted lady is bestowing upon her lucky man. All these elements are so complementary, a jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces fall right into place. Then get covered in cum. You know the kind!

People assume that fingering is just a rest stop on the road to something more serious and oral, but that’s not fair to your phalanges. Anyone who’s ever felt the come-hither curve of Asa Akira or Katsuni’s fingers knows the truth. Admittedly, we don’t actually know what their touches feel like, but we’re pretty good at reading body language, and you better believe we’re poring over this text.

Damn, homies, when’s the last time you watched some good cheerleader porn? When’s the last time you saw Sindee Jennings drench a man’s face and hands with her fountain of a fanny (in the British sense)? We’re betting it’s been a while since you’ve appreciated either of those pleasures, so we got them both right here, all wrapped up in a handy bit of 69ing. It’s the pill-shaped sex capsule of your dreams.

‘Tis a lovely place to be, we gather — at least from this video evidence. Just piledriving your voluptuous lover’s ass until you bust a load deep inside her… Ahh. It makes us feel effervescent as a tall glass of champagne. That we kind of want to suck down then scoot aside so that we can engage in our own cool piledriving fun. Doesn’t that sound fun for everyone?

Well, doesn’t that sound like an idyllic sort of evening? We imagine you’ve just come home from the opera, those falsettos and trills really have you feeling pretty enlivened and lustful. You get home, toss away the binoculars, rip away your furs and tuxedo jackets, and head out to the sparkling night lights of the balcony.

It seems like an innocent enough question, especially when a whirring Magic Wand is being held to your clit, a dude is fucking you in the ass, and another is choking you out — under any normal circumstances (heh!) you’d come your little heart out a thousand times. But, Kaci Star, you’re within the walls of the Kink armory now, and things are a little different here. So… can you come? No.

Well, we probably love your smile too, but that’s not what’s really being showcased here. So we’ll just admire what’s right in front of our faces — and that’s one stellar handie. Oh okay, and also a pretty phenomenal pair of tits, but we can only focus on one thing at a time! And this hottie uncut cock splooging all over the hand that jacks it has sort of got our attention right now… We just need a minute.

Why, just look at the little smile on that Hitachi Magic Wang! Everyone’s having a ball at this get-together. And we’re invited, too! Somebody better break out the popcorn and beer, because it’s a real party now. The sexy orgasm kind of party.

It might seem like an equation that doesn’t add up, but believe you me, sluts defy all logic and make it work. That’s the great thing about ‘em… Where there’s a slut there’s a way. In addition to their science-defying dexterity, they’re also great at 69ing and BJs. What’s not to love?

Or there’s a good chance this cameraman will shove a makeshift gag in your mouth! But, uh, those are the kind of chances we like to take because we like playing a little rough. We’ve got an inkling this babe is cut from the same devilish cloth. So we say sing your heart out, lady! Who knows where things might go next…*

But we don’t mind that this chick shirks the rules, don’t mind it at all. Because we’ve almost never seen a lady with such a taste for ejaculate before. It’s finer than the deepest, darkest chocolate, the most decadent creme bruleé. Oh, cum-eating sluts, you make up your own rules. We’re on board.

There is so much we love about this trailer. Polaroids! A dirty scavenger hunt! On bikes! Cute sundresses! Rubber bike tube bondage teasing! Finger-banging! Some good old fashioned intercourse after a lot of teasing! And blowjobs…This is one of the great blowjob teases we’ve seen in a while. The delightfully pink-ringletted and luscious femme Poppy Cox really really really wants that cock in her mouth. Just lookit the hungry glazed gaze in her eyes!

Mandy Mitchell is a traditional kind of gal. She usually doesn’t kiss on the first date, but there’s something about Reuven that inspires her to take him home. Mandy Mitchell is the kind of girl who uses pink rope. She’s the kind of girl who sits on your face and sticks her cock in your mouth after tying you up with the pink rope and making you her little fucktoy for the evening. Mandy Mitchell sucks your dick while fucking your face. When she gets laid she gets real laid.

We are really into the subgenre of porn that involves oiling up juicy asses and making them bounce around before fucking. Booty bouncing is totally the new lava lamp. We just wanna watch wet butts jiggle enthusiastically all evening to unwind.

Well, isn’t this just the sweetest thing? It’s cuter than a basketful of puppies, we tell ya. We’ve definitely got a (sorta pervy) smile on our face. If anything though, this babe’s bangin’ body is enough to part the clouds and make a million rainbows beam down upon us. Seeing it get doggystyle banged is just an added boon.

A luxurious hottub teeming with beautiful babes whacking off in turn — is this heaven? Perhaps. And hey, it’s Friday, so we may as well besmirch the name of a charitable drive all for the love of lesbians. It’s not like we’re a stranger to besmirching, as it were. And when it comes down to it, we think a Toys for Twats initiative would be pretty successful…