Except these babes have legs for sure, because we can see them, and we can see they’re doing something a little naughty between them underwater. We’ve actually sort of always wondered where mer-vaginas would be, because they have that tail and that just confuses everything. But we suppose we needn’t delve too deeply into the anatomy of Ariel and her sisters, because we’ve got real-live X-Art babes that don’t mind taking a little dipski for us. And they’ll even finger themselves while they do it! Yeah, that works better for our agenda.

It’s one of the funnest sports out there, don’t you know. And all it takes to really succeed is two horndog pervs and a camera with a remote zoom option! It’s thrilling, it’s rewarding, and best of all, it’s sexy. BJs, cowgirl, missionary — it’s all fair game so long as you get that cummy prize in the end. This blows the hottie babes of tennis off the court. (Although we do love you and your skirts and grunts, ladies of tennis). But yeah. This has to be our favorite spectator event.

We guess we’re really not all too familiar with Turkish culture when it comes down to it, but if this little modification of the standard 69 is any indication, they must typically be an inventive and delightful people. This is like a 69 with extra 1s and 5s thrown in or something — it’s got fingers in the bum; it’s got morphing into facedown doggystyle with dildo-on-prostate playtimes — in other words, it’s got it all.

If there’s one thing we like, it’s a saucy MILF. If there’s one thing we like even better, it’s two of them! This isn’t the first time we’ve seen these mega-MILFs together — but it looks like they’ve perfected their relationship by way of sexy makeouts, tasty fingerbangs, and lapping upon giant, MILFy tits. It’s a beautiful affair.

The happiest place on earth for any gal is probably wherever her Magic Wand happens to be. It certainly seems to have brought a smile to this babe’s face. Or at least an open-mouthed orgasmic moan as she fingers herself. Both work. Jumping upon a Magic Wand is basically the equivalent of zooming around Space Mountain, we think, although we’ve actually never been on the thing ourself. We can only imagine the rush, the thrill, the ups, the downs, the sheer and spectacular joy are sort of on par. Now if only there were a way to sneak a Wand onto the aforementioned coaster — although we don’t know if a body could even handle that kind of bliss. Worth a shot (but, uh, without any of those pesky kid things around).

People assume that fingering is just a rest stop on the road to something more serious and oral, but that’s not fair to your phalanges. Anyone who’s ever felt the come-hither curve of Asa Akira or Katsuni’s fingers knows the truth. Admittedly, we don’t actually know what their touches feel like, but we’re pretty good at reading body language, and you better believe we’re poring over this text.

Damn, homies, when’s the last time you watched some good cheerleader porn? When’s the last time you saw Sindee Jennings drench a man’s face and hands with her fountain of a fanny (in the British sense)? We’re betting it’s been a while since you’ve appreciated either of those pleasures, so we got them both right here, all wrapped up in a handy bit of 69ing. It’s the pill-shaped sex capsule of your dreams.

Why, it’s just an ethereal delight. Especially when the booty at hand (or mouth, as it were) is of such a high caliber. This booty should be wined and dined with champagne and caviar and stuff like that, draped in fine silks and laden with pearls. And then eaten the H out with the dapper charm and crackerjack skill this fellow demonstrates. Yeah, sometimes we fancy.

In a perfect world, we would be unrestrained, unencumbered, our perversity flowing in and around us as freely as the air that we breathe. Well, welcome to Throwback Thursday, where utopia can be found! In the form of bushy outdoor BJs and fingerbangs and lush orchestral refrains. Sign us up!

Or, you know, uses them as her own sexual playground. So maybe upstairs there’s a carnival with a petting zoo and artisanal salty-sweet popcorns and such, but Asa and Erik Everhard will never make it up there. But that’s okay, because we’re sure crackerjack BJs and multitiered standing sex is greater than billy goats and snackfoods and such anyway.

Huh, in Joanna Angel’s strip club VIP room it looks like there are no holds barred. So there Zarrah was, wandering in, perhaps hoping for a glass of some bubbly and some lap dances (no touching!). Little did she expect she’d get Joanna’s hands up her puss, making her do her own sort of bunny hop. Jeeze, that Joanna Angel really knows how to treat her guests right! We have a feeling Zarrah will be a repeat customer…

It’s fun for the whole family! Although we don’t know if we’d want to play against Aiden Ashley… she’s so good she’d be hard to beat. But hey, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, and then we can all beat off together. That’s a total win-win.

There are tons of ways chicks can tell the world they’re BFFLs! They can get matching gal pal tattoos, they can make each other festive beaded bracelets, they can participate in ritualistic blood-sistering, they can hold hands and skip down the sunny sidewalks together. Or, they can rock a tag-team BJ. That’s a good way, too.

There’s plenty of time for academics and extracurriculars — but a well-rounded prep school kid (18+ of course) should make plenty of time for car-hood cunnilingus and that sweet, sweet outdoor boning.

We don’t pretend to be the sportingest blog out there (hey, Deadspin). But god dang it, the mattress is our field, HJs and BJs our moves, and, for us, scoring happens in loads of jizz. And hey, we get picked first if you know what we mean. But this gamesome couple is right up our alley, and we’d be proud to have them on our team.

Hold onto your hats, ’cause it’s getting lively in here! If hand-banging were an amusement park ride, what would it be? Maybe it’d be sort of like the Zipper, where you’re whirling and twirling, or like the Log Flume where you end up soaking wet. This particular hand-bang, in whatever transposed form it took, would certainly end up giving us whiplash. But in a fun way!

You know, the title of this lovely film is “Cougars VS. Kittens” — but we don’t really see a whole lot of antagonizing going on because it seems like Diana Prince and Ash Hollywood are pretty into working as a team to get off the gorgeous high-school-quarterback-next-door that is Tyler Nixon.