It’s finally happening, guys: Lee Roy Myers is making a “Game of Thrones” porn parody (working title: “Game of Boners.” In our imagination, anyway). The legendary director has posted a casting call…and our brains have started feverishly imagining which porn performers could best personify our Westerosi heroes. Our picks (for some of them) below (and share yours in the comments).
When you think about it, there really is an entire genre of porn that is essentially daytime soap operas without the pan to the fireplace. The cheezy production quality and the cliche dialogue and the melodramatic acting are all there – but this time, so is the bodice-ripping back-stabbing super-naughty double-crossing FUCKING.
Why is massage porn so popular these days? We waxed pornographic about it a few days ago when we previewed “Erotic Massage Stories,” but we didn’t really get to the heart of the matter. We’re all extremely tense these days! Nobody gets enough sleep, nobody keeps an eye on their posture, and all we want from the world is somebody who will unlock all the knots in our backs and then bang us senseless.
You have to hand it to Extreme Comixxx, they are on top of their superhero porn parody game. They produced a live action Justice League film before Hollywood, and they’re upping the ante with this live action Hawkman and Hawkgirl parody. Where’s your game at, Hollywood? Where’s your story of death-defying love between two human-like Accipitriformes with hardcore sex and threesomes and mace poundings?
It’s May, and you know what that means: students all over the world are stressing the brains out about finals and grades and such. What’s the best they can get, 4.0? If they take a lot of AP classes, they can raise it up to 5.0. If they let the assistant principal bend them over the desk and feast on their fanny, that has to at least be worth 6.0–it’s only fair.
One of the great injustices of our time is that only people with children have easy access to babysitters. It’s not enough that these people get to bring new rays of sunshine into the world–they also have intimate relationships with some of the hardest working and most attractive young humans ever! Since it’s too darn creepy to borrow a kid for the purposes of babysitter boffing, Reality Junkies offers the following tales through which we can live vicariously.
It sure has been a while since we’ve seen Nica Noelle directing movies for Mile High Media, but here she is, and she’s brought her classic kit of drama bombs with her: money, power, love, betrayal, and lots and lots of pussy eating. It’s nice to have you back, Nica.
What makes people fall in love? There’s a huge question. We don’t know about most of the hoi polloi, but as far as the couples in this fine film are concerned, they all doubled up so they’d have an easier time hopping into group sex scenarios. The best part about being a twosome is that you’re always primed for a threesome!
The thing that is funny to us about kinky movies and novels these days is they all seem to exist in a world in which people are shocked by blindfolds and threesomes and feather ticklers. No matter, it’s all stuff we love, so the characters can be shocked and we’ll just be turned on!
We have yet to find out how the families of the “Filthy Family” series got to be so open and constant with their sexual activities, but as soon as we find out, we’re going to write the next big self help book based on their origins. So far, our best guess is that the entire household mixed up their daily multivitamins with horny goat weed and yohimbe bark.
We think it’s funny that you can insert the words “Fifty,” “Shades,” and/or “Grey” anywhere you want to communicate fetishy sex to people. Somewhere, a manufacturer of Venetian blinds is rolling in dough because they started marketing their wares as “Fifty Pieces of Plastic That Throw Shades and Make Your Room All Grey.”
“Would you like to come inside My Haunted House?” asks nobody at no point in this film. “It’s warm and cozy, but it’s dark, so you’ll have to find your way around by touch. Don’t be surprised if a ghost jumps out at you!” In this case, a ghost represents female ejaculation (because some people don’t believe in it).
I am fairly certain that Evan Stone’s relentless, headlong push to get cocktail waitress Brandi Blunt naked on the bar constitutes workplace sexual harassment in “Barely Legal 132,” and isn’t she—in the world of the film—three years too young to be a cocktail waitress?
If anybody’s going to be doing the corrupting around here, we’re glad it’s these pervy teens and not their teachers. We know, we’re employing a double standard, but we’re not trying to be ageist about it. All we’re saying is that it’s a beautiful thing when a grown ass man gets a blowjob from Cindy Starfall and realizes what spectacular oral sex he’s been missing his whole life.
Xander Corvus and Avril Hall have just moved in with India Summer; obviously that means Xander is going to have sex with India at some point. But how does Evan Stone fit into this? Who invited him over to have sex with everything? Why does he constantly play roles like that?
Poor Evan Stone was kicked out of his house after “Exchange Student 3″ because his wife caught him cheating with the French student living in their home, so now he’s gone to live with his buddies, Dana DeArmond and Alec Knight. Unfortunately, they’re also hosting a French exchange student. You can guess the rest of the story: old habits die hard and old hard-ons never die.
Instead of thinking about who is the target demographic for a porn parody of Japanimation source material aimed at pre-teens, let’s rather expand our gaze to those who want to fuck Asa Akira and Lexi Belle. See? Now we don’t feel creepy at all.
Trapped in the lizard brain of the uneven “Batgirl XXX” is a really good porn movie that is hindered time and again by porn’s rogues gallery: marble-mouthed delivery and slipshod attention to detail.
We’re really excited about this one. At first, we thought the plot was going to be boring because they managed to circumvent the incesty stuff, but then we realized that they’re feinting and hitting us with a deep-rooted Electra complex! Yes! Who’s ready to raise their eyebrows at some strange family dynamics? We are.
The lesson Jessie Andrews, Andy San Dimas, and Paul Thomas teach us in “Shared Wives” is that you can swing, but you’re probably not going to be happy you did.