Although to be fair, we like them all. But this one looks to be a hell of a lot more fun! Even though we don’t even think they’re speaking Russian here. But bear with us, please. Eurosluts ahead!

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the basic physiological requirements for human survival include water, food, sleep, and shelter. Sociologists at Jules Jordan University are now figuring out that you can supplant shelter with a bunch of facials. Apparently, your brain is as happy with a roof over your head as it is with someone’s load on your face!

Someone once suggested that the porn industry could overcome the extreme expenses brought on by Measure B by hiring interns to do all the work–you know, the same way the rest of the country gets by. Fortunately, this person was run out of town by an angry mob, because the idea of putting interns in the place of professional pornstars is nothing but irresponsible and exploitative. These ladies deserve good money to be filled with jizz, and we’re not tolerating no scabs trying to cut them out of their pay!

We like our ladies to be independent, sassy and brassy and brimming with agency as they stomp around in big (figurative) boots. Sometimes, that’s not an option. Sometimes we deal with ladies who belong to other ladies because of the orgasms they produce in each other. That’s all fine; truth be told, we’d forfeit our freedom in exchange for some mind-bending climaxes, too.

Did you know that all non-European Union residents have to convert their semen to Euro-semen before having sex? It’s true; the EU is very strict about these sorts of things. You have to get your stuff switched with a non-pasteurized and nutrient-rich baby paste before you can give anybody a facial or a creampie. It sounds extreme, but at least there are dedicated teams of sperm swappers who can smooth out the transition for you.

It’s hard to get the federal government to put money on any big projects these days, but we’re sure this documentary thinly-disguised as a porno will make people all over the world wake up and realize the importance of protecting some pristine land and allowing the “Untamed Teens” to run wild upon it.

We may not be going to a wild European sex club packed with stripper studs, but tonight is New Year’s Eve and we’ll be damned if we don’t carry this pervtastic orgy spirit along with us in our party adventures. Luckily we’ve got the kind of friends who don’t mind a little feelin’ up, and might like a sexy striptease to “Auld Lang Syne”.

You know what just occurred to us? Watching POV porn is sort of like being a demon that possesses male pornstars. If we were demons, we’d totally jump inside the bodies of promiscuous hotties. Seriously, why waste time possessing the frail and strictly religious when you can commandeer a body mid-coitus?

Lea Lexis showed up at the Fleshbot Friday Burlesque Show on Halloween and every jaw in the room audibly dropped. This Romanian honey knows how to make an entrance, and an exit, and everything she does in between is phenomenal too. It’s no wonder she’s up for so many awards this year!

Gandhi was right when he said “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,” but we’re only talking about brown eyes here, and we bet that these boys and girls will see each other in a whole new light of respect and love once they’ve taken turns pounding each other in the ass.

One day it’ll be eighty degrees out in the dead of winter, you’ll be too poor to go buy adequate sunblock, and the wisdom of Jules Jordan will rush to the front of your mind. The medical community might not agree with Jules on the UV blocking properties of jizz, but how can you take some egghead’s word to heart when Sylvia Diamond is melanoma-free under the shade of five facials?

Imagine the pressure these boys must feel at dealing with their very first MILFs (or milves, if you’re so inclined). The cougars have years of experience, nice furniture to fuck on, an impressive collection of lingerie, and what do the young’uns have? Big dicks, hopefully, and a lot of energy from a diet sugary cereals or whatever it is young male pornstars eat these days.

Also ears, those are spared, too. And tear ducts and urethras. Also pores. Let’s be honest, there are a lot of holes that are barred from intercourse, but the ones that aren’t barred see a lot of action and you’ll be happier without the sight of nasal nookie.

We’re going to take this in a different direction off the bat and pretend that “Ur-Anus” is actually using the prefix “ur-” meaning proto, so this exploration will really be of the original anus, the first instance of ass-ness in history as well as in our hearts. We don’t know how you’d go about exploring such a thing, but we figure watching dicks get slammed in holes is about as anthropologically stimulating as anything else, so here we go.

Life must be very exciting for Tanya Tate these days. Last month she had her body parts immortalized in cyberskin thanks to Fleshlight, and now she’s starring in a pornographic remake of one of the most beloved teen romps of the ’80s, “Weird Science.” Kelly LeBrock helped a lot of nerds and blued many pairs of balls, so Tanya really has her work cut out for her.

Ass. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass. Booty rocking everywhere. We don’t know how we can communicate this to you any better: the camera orbits Eliska Cross’s butt cheeks like a lonely satellite scanning for life on a desolate planet, desperately craving a signal from the surface, falling in love with the undisturbed perfection, the smoothness of the land, and the silence.

Have you ever worried about fitting in? Do you ever feel like you don’t bring anything new to the table? Think of yourself as an erect penis: maybe Choky Ice’s erect penis is already pounding some beautiful pussy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t help. Have patience, be polite, and you’ll find where you fit–maybe her mouth, maybe her ass. If you watch closely, double penetration porn can teach you a lot about socializing.

A few years ago, linguists discovered a language spoken in remote parts of Brazil that has no numbers besides “one,” “two,” and “more.” Who would’ve thought that the same language would suddenly surface in Porn Valley? The girls have stopped counting the guys who show up to group sex scenes because they’re satisfied that at least two dicks will be inside them.

Even if you flunked out of high school algebra, you probably know enough math to put together a decent threesome. Here, we’ll start off the equation for you: take three people, subtract their clothing, divide the number of dicks by the number of available orifices, and go from there. Don’t forget that you have to show your work; we want to see you work it!

Looking at the Mile High Media title list as a whole, you can see that “Mom & Dad Are Fucking My Friends” has scenarios similar to those found in “Filthy Family” and “Couples Seeking Teens,” but with a way different flavor. While the latter two franchises involve elder lovers making amends with/emotionally supporting their teenaged partners, these “Mom & Dad” types are only focused on fucking the youngsters–straight up fucking.