We’re actually damn proud of Digital Playground for this one. Telemarketing has to be one of the most under-represented careers in the porn industry! We recall Eva Angelina in such a scene in the past, but these people here went ahead and made a whole damn film about those lonely, hard-working, eternally-hated voices. It brings a tear to the eye.
Hmm, crack jokes on a post about butt sex. Poor taste? Welcome to Fleshbot! Give us your conspiracy theories and we’ll give you a pun about gaping anuses. Act now and we’ll throw in a joke about Rick Ross for free! (If we can think of one before this post goes up.)
The beginning of every porn scene starts the same way: rich with potential. Who will touch what? How much will be licked? What trail will spit make? Which things will be stuffed where and how hard? These are the questions, they have infinite answers, and if the mood is right and the magic flows freely, the end of the scene will deliver unto us a filthy fucking pornstar.
We love the term “down there.” It’s always said with an italicized voice and a wave of the eyebrows, and no matter what position the speaker is in, you can instantly picture them hiding something sweet and sexy under the tablecloth and between their legs. Such graphic subtlety, you know? It’s a paradox of pubic relations.
We have a love-hate relationship with bras, but we don’t think they should be torn asunder by huge breasts. Even on days when we curse them for getting in the way of total boob visibility, the worst we imagine for them is being turned into water balloon slingshots; creative doom, but not destruction. So how are we supposed to feel about the fourth installment of a porn series that ignores the bra’s feelings and it’s God-given right to support flesh?
It’s May, and you know what that means: students all over the world are stressing the brains out about finals and grades and such. What’s the best they can get, 4.0? If they take a lot of AP classes, they can raise it up to 5.0. If they let the assistant principal bend them over the desk and feast on their fanny, that has to at least be worth 6.0–it’s only fair.
Or, you know, uses them as her own sexual playground. So maybe upstairs there’s a carnival with a petting zoo and artisanal salty-sweet popcorns and such, but Asa and Erik Everhard will never make it up there. But that’s okay, because we’re sure crackerjack BJs and multitiered standing sex is greater than billy goats and snackfoods and such anyway.
You know how some realtors bake cookies to lure buyers? Well, Jesse Jane has sex with them. SOLD!
When we think of the title “Porno Pranks,” we imagine someone getting spitroasted with a Kick Me sign on their back, or someone looking inside a gaping asshole just as plastic snakes fly out of it. What we don’t think of is Riley Steele and Jesse Jane having sex with guys and filming it without their consent.
Erik Everhard’s sister is coming to visit, and he’s very nicely asked his studly roommates not to have sex with her. Sorry, Erik: you forgot to put “Not Fucking My Sister” on the chore wheel, so nobody has to do what you say.
Erik Everhard has a new love in his life, but he’s also a regular and somewhat rambunctious swinger who’s a regular face in the local scene. Is he willing to give up his social life for the woman of his dreams, or will he try to have his cake and fuck everyone else’s cake, too?
March Madness is over, baseball is about to start, and we couldn’t care less about either of those because we’re busy watching the only athletic display that matters anymore: Sport Fucking. No refs, no sponsors, no steroids, no nonsense. It’s just the game, some genitals, and us spectators. Doesn’t it feel good to get back to basics?
You can act all cool and distant if you want, but you know you’re dying to see the new all-Remy extravaganza. She’s under your skin, she’s hula hooping and dick handling and doing all of the things she’s good at, except this time she’s doing it bigger than before. We’re talking gangbang, girlbang, Skin Diamond bang, all manners of bang!
One of the great injustices of our time is that only people with children have easy access to babysitters. It’s not enough that these people get to bring new rays of sunshine into the world–they also have intimate relationships with some of the hardest working and most attractive young humans ever! Since it’s too darn creepy to borrow a kid for the purposes of babysitter boffing, Reality Junkies offers the following tales through which we can live vicariously.
House-sitting seems like a simple enough job for Stoya. All she has to do is hang out in a rich person’s abode, keep the lights on, water the plants, and not let her ex-boyfriend come over and bang her breathless. She can do that, right? Everybody seems to forget how unbelievably boring house-sitting is; it’s super boring, and a girl like Stoya can get super horny when she’s bored.
Jesse Jane is a superstar romance novelist whose books have been burning up the shelves and filling the fantasies of countless readers, but her life lacks the passion she writes about. A gal can only scribble sexy ideas down for so long before they start to seep into her brain, and Jesse has reached the point where she’s desperately craving real, fleshy, nasty human contact.
Poor Erik Everhard can’t seem to score with a babe; not one gosh darn cutie will touch his penis! And he’s so tired of watching his roommate, Manuel Ferrara, have anal sex with girls on the regular. So, he gets set up on a blind date with Selena Rose. That should cure what ails him! Or will it?
Erik Everhard walks in on a Special Thing April O’Neil and Dani Daniels are having in “Chance Encounters” and, instead of macing him, they generously let him join in.
Generally speaking, we love big boobs. As long as nobody has any back problems, we’ll take them as blimped out and bouncy as they come. However, we realized recently that this can make hugging difficult, and our sexual fantasies have gone all weird as a result. How can we think about banging Bridgette B. when we can’t fathom getting our arms around her?