These girls aren’t just cute, they’re so cute, and we wouldn’t want anything near them to diminish that cuteness. They hype that biz up with knee socks, leg warmers, frilly panties, and colorful bedspreads, and what if that thoughtful design work is all for naught thanks to some gentlemen and their bulging, veiny dongs?

The pessimist, however, will say that Adriana is sort-of SFW. The pessimist is not welcome here. We want readers who can see the filth despite the dainty, people who know that a leg warmer is just another phallic symbol, that everything on the screen is a phallic symbol! Our ideal reader sees gangbangs wherever they go. It’s a burden, but it’s also a blessing.

Is it our imaginations, or has the adult industry (and New Sensations in particular) become quite fond of “cute,” “adorable,” and similar words? We enjoy it, it definitely puts a bright and sunny spin on porn, but we wonder if this will change the national lexicon someday. How long will it be until calling a girl “cute” is seen as slander, a suggestion that she’s down to inhale huge dicks with a smile on her face?

We love the term “down there.” It’s always said with an italicized voice and a wave of the eyebrows, and no matter what position the speaker is in, you can instantly picture them hiding something sweet and sexy under the tablecloth and between their legs. Such graphic subtlety, you know? It’s a paradox of pubic relations.

In the perfect world, all parents would get paid time off to be with their children during their earliest years. Sadly, we’re a long way away from that world, but maybe we can convince the government to send exceptionally-hung studs to the hard working MILFs of America every now and then, maybe with a few vouchers for the fancy lingerie of their choice. So, who wants to write up this We the People petition?

Sometimes, like the “You” in “Open the door,” the Bra is just understood.

A lot, they are a lot sexy. Very much so. Super sexy is them. They are the sex. (This is what happens when Felicia Clover’s tasty thighs make the blood flee from the language centers of our brain to fill other, more attentive parts of the body.)

Because we are Givers, we are much more into the idea of participation rather than just watching attractive women masturbate. But we have to admit that, since we couldn’t be there ourselves, we found “The Art of Masturbation” a worthy substitute.

Counting calories? We all are, but now you don’t have to worry about how many pretty panties you polish off! “My Little Panties 5″ gives you all of the hot, cottony, lacy, frilly flavor you’d find in grown-ass undies but in a smaller, more efficient package (that’s connected to a hot teen pornstar). It’s the Snackwells of panties!

We’re not trying to diss your techniques or skills here; nobody knows your dangly bits like you do. All we’re saying is that it’s nice every now and then to get back to basics. Look at your tools, think about your hands, envision the touching that needs to go down and how it will progress: these are the fundamentals of fucking yourself.

You asked for more, so New Sensations and Eddie Powell are giving you more in every possible way. “Big Girls Are Sexy” returns to teach us that cushion isn’t just for pushin’, but also for snuggling with and falling asleep upon when said cushion-bearer makes you come so hard that your knees give out.

We all want to belong to something–a family, a movement, a religion–but sometimes it’s hard to figure out one’s place in the world. For example, where do all the big dicks go? Should they stand proudly in the wind with the flagpoles? Must they be chained up with the guns in the barracks? No, they belong to the cuties, and the cuties belong to them.

Given that porn is a celebration of excess, it’s nice to see a film set its sights on the happy medium. Eddie Powell doesn’t want to go overboard with that dirty stuff, he just wants a thin layer of filthiness, like a piece of salty, fatty, carnally-charged prosciutto wrapped around the melon of innocence.

A year ago, New Sensations announced that it would be taking its smut in a new direction, and the original “Innocence of Youth” introduced us to the sleek, sensual style that Eddie Powell continued rocking all 2012 long. It’s a new year, does that mean New Sensations will pull out a new look? Heck naw; why would they mess with such predatory perfection?

We have to be honest: the title of this movie brings up a couple of baking images to mind, neither of which are necessarily sexy. There’s the muffin top, then there’s the phrase “with a bun in the oven.” Why do baked goods and sex go together so perfectly? And are bakers constantly getting laid because of it?

Any self-respecting herpetologist will tell you that it’s important to choose the right snake when making a euphemism for your penis. Anacondas are a popular choice, but they’re slow and only good at strangling and that doesn’t sound very pleasantly erotic. Black mambas, though small, are known to strike with 99% accuracy at maximum speed, in rapid succession. That’s why Kobe nicknamed himself “Black Mamba.”

Say what you will about the pharmaceutical epidemic affecting America today, but we think all those study drugs have done wonderful things for the energy and morale of the youngsters. All over the country, eighteen year-olds like Staci Silverstone are getting done with SATs and college application essays so quickly that they have ample free time to work on cramming fat dicks down their throats.

When it comes to sex and stuff, yeah, the title has it right, but when it comes to filling out the FAFSA and dealing with the bursar, these girls like everything clean, orderly, and precise. It’s hard to get federal aid; it’s hard like a big turgid dick in Macy Cartel’s mouth.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been watching a three-day marathon of electroshock bondage porn and you see Hitachi Magic Wand lightning rods whenever you close your eyes, you always have room for naughty cheerleaders. They’re the Jello of porn tropes: easy to make, fun to eat, and they jiggle in your mouth.

We saw Brynn Jay’s first ever boy-girl scene last week in “Cougars, Kittens, and Cock 2,” so we assume this is her second time handling dongs on camera. However, she doesn’t have Tory Lane’s help this time; she has to entertain Bruce Venture all by her lonesome. Can she do it? Will her fabulous ass and tiny titties let her down?