Ah, the fabled DP. It’s a move that scares many a novice away, and with good reason. One truly has to work up the skill and fortitude necessary to take it in both love-spots at once — and, luckily, there’s a cadre of beautiful ladies who have done just this. We respect, admire, and want to jizz all over all your efforts. And for us, that’s the highest compliment.

That’s really quite lucky for us, because if they were, you know, just marching down to their local Duane Reade or to return books to the library that would be way less cool. Yeah, Katie seems like one of the lovelier things one could storm.

Hey, we want a cool, refreshing draught from the bottomless well that is Holly. Oh, but we misspoke. Not only is she blessedly bottom-full, but that ish is full as can be. With cock! Of course. So maybe it’s not as much cool and refreshing as hot ‘n’ nasty. But in a good way. And who are we kidding? We’ll sip from that cup, too.

We’ve seen DPs before (duh!) but we haven’t seen one with quite an air of… urgency that’s exhibited here. The lovely Sheena seems to have an almost desperate need to get all her holes stuffed — it’s imperative! Believe us, we respect her mission. If we were there, we’d be like a surgeon’s assistant at the ready with every size dildo, extra lube, rubber gloves… whatever she needed. She’s gotta get stuffed, and by george, we’ll see she does!

When the 20s were roaring, you could step into the backroom speakeasy of the speakeasy and catch a glimpse. When every house had a car in the garage and a steak on the table, beneath that table, you might see it. Coming on up to the free lovin’ 70s, hair flowing and dicks flying, the form had been nearly perfected. Yes, the spitroast may have evolved over the years, but it’s ever been a glorious American tradition.

In case you didn’t get the memo, nobody shakes hands anymore. For one, it’s an outdated mode of expression that many cultures don’t practice. Second, your hand is the germiest part of your body. Third, nothing says “I’m down with the program” quite like the overwhelming tightness and genital unity of a good double penetration. Keep this in mind for your next business meeting.

Seriously, these guys have everything under the sun to make a real underground kink party special. Upside-down hanging chains? Flogs and whips of all sizes? Dildos of every color and caliber? A punishment rack? It’s like they’ve got a mini Kink armory in their basement… and we’d love to play!

The unspoken ladder of pornographic intensity states that girl-girl more hardcore than solo, boy-girl is harder than girl-girl, an so on and so forth. Interracial sex and double penetration used to be sitting pretty at the top of the heap, but now there’s a new way to play and every adult actress on the block is sure to be counting down the days until she finally has her first “Double Black Penetration.”

It’s a tangle of arms and legs, dicks and tits — a beautiful thing! We like to subscribe by the whole “the more the merrier” adage, and this can be especially true and memorable if brought into the bedroom. We’re spitroasting, DPing, and doing the ol’ wank ‘n’ watch. It’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys!

Jules Jordan has killed your gods, but he’s trying to be considerate about it, and so he’s leaving certain familiar structures in place. You’ll be happy to know that the Holy Trinity is still a big deal in “Ass Worship 14,” but that’s primarily because there are so many threesomes and double penetration scenes in this film. Still, sounds good, right?

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not all fun and games when it comes to double penetration. There’s some commitment and concentration involved, all in concert with the subtle interplay of dick-on-dick-on-holes that’s required in any successful double-dong venture. But pressing onward, upward, and inward is all worth it, because, hey: DP.

Skin says, “I want to see a girl getting fucked” — truer words have ne’er been spoken. And you, ma’am, fulfill your own desire to the hilt because we don’t think we’ve ever seen a chick get fucked as well as you do. As Ms. Diamond declares, sex may not always be pretty or beautiful… but with her involved even the roughest fuck gets a fighting chance.

So in our own version of “Throwback Thursday” (hi, Instagrammers), as part of a continuing series of indeterminate duration, we’ll delve into classics of the pornosphere. Be they trailblazing pieces of smutty cinema, over-the-top elaborate fuck fests, or simply babes with crazy hair gettin’ down, we’ll be there. Today? Pizza Connection, of the 1970s. “With Sextra Topping”. And, no, we didn’t make that up. But it must equate to DPs, and hey, we’re willing to accept ridiculous puns to get there.

So we’ve hopefully all made it through holiday go-time, emerging with a few more useful (or not) items and a few more pounds upon our frames. Well, Joanna Angel’s got the right idea — as always. There’s no better way to get back in ship-shape form for New Year’s bangin’ then getting stuffed three ways to Sunday in a rigorous group-sexercise experiment.

We have always thought Ashley Fires was just lovely, but now that she’s past 30, she looks so much more assured. Sadly, our wonderful view keeps getting obscured by cocks in “DP Fanatic 2.”

I have fantasies about multiple cocks. Mostly about having multiple cocks inside me at once. All orifices filled. I don’t think about it that often, but when I do I have a full-blown vision, down to the the details of the room where it would happen–the bed cover, the draperies, the carpet on the floor. It’s an exhibitionist’s dream. I haven’t gone there. I don’t know if I ever will. But once, at least, I’ve felt something close to it.

Sounds like the makings for a Bound Gangbang, don’t it? And the Kink Armory is as stocked as the pantries of Iron Chef when it comes to the freshest and most luxurious elements needed to compose an artful repast — and BDSM is the secret ingredient. Bring on the feast!

We’ve always loved a babe with a penchant for feasting hard. Call it overindulgent, gluttonous, or hedonistic, but we’ll call it “fun”. Because like, this lady’s li’l honeypot is hungry enough to take down two cocks at once — and then finishes things up with a creampie dessert! That’s an appetite we can cheer on without reservation.

It’s a true champion who can be stuffed chock full o’ dicks and take them all with a smile. We salute you, Joanna. We can see what there is to grin about when one of said dicks belongs to James Deen, but when one is attached to Frankenstein’s monster? Well, that could venture into spooky territory. Luckily Ms. Angel’s not easily frightened, and her gallant snatch can take down most any beast. Looks like you can give up the search for some cobbled wife, Mr. Monster. The best babe you could find is right at your finger dicktip.

Really, Jynx Maze, Amy Brooke, Jada Stevens, and Lily Carter, where do you get the nerve? Just because you’re telling us to do the exact thing we all want to do and think about all the time everyday doesn’t mean you get to be crude about it. Etiquette is everything–including an aphrodisiac–and that’s why we hope everyone will sign our petition to rename this movie “Please Pump My Ass Full of Cum, Thank You, and How Was Your Day 3.”