No, this isn’t your run of the mill sleight-of-hand with cards, quarters, or bunnies in hats. These ladies don’t even need a magic wand to make our head spin. Although we guess a magic dildo sort of counts. But we suppose any dildo would become a little enchanted if placed between Nikki and Veruca. When their powers combine, they could probably part the sea of traffic in LA, flatten the Hollywood Hills, or expunge the city of real housewives. They could do this, sure. But turning their faculties to lascivious lesbian sex likely makes the greatest good. At least we think so.

Why, just look at the little smile on that Hitachi Magic Wang! Everyone’s having a ball at this get-together. And we’re invited, too! Somebody better break out the popcorn and beer, because it’s a real party now. The sexy orgasm kind of party.

A luxurious hottub teeming with beautiful babes whacking off in turn — is this heaven? Perhaps. And hey, it’s Friday, so we may as well besmirch the name of a charitable drive all for the love of lesbians. It’s not like we’re a stranger to besmirching, as it were. And when it comes down to it, we think a Toys for Twats initiative would be pretty successful…

It’s a benevolent, loving eye that only wants the messiest, squirtingest best for you. We could all use a friend like that! This particular comrade, however, happens to have kindly qualities like a rotating shaft and vibrating bunny top that really help you achieve your goals. The messy, squirting ones, that is.

Okay, if anyone is ever under the impression that a lady can’t be highly into the hardcore side of banging, we raise them this video. We only wish someone would cry out to us with the joyous ululations emanating from the mouth of this babe for this monstrosity of a dildo. We hope this plasticine dick realizes how truly special and loved it is!

We love excess: it’s in our blood, it’s in our national heritage, it’s why breakfast cereal advertisements always show full glasses of milk next to full glasses of juice. We’ve searched far and wide to find ways to express our love of the cup that runneth over, and we’ve realized that nothing celebrates abundance quite like a bun dance–watch this jelly jiggle and beg to be filled!

We’ve seen DPs before (duh!) but we haven’t seen one with quite an air of… urgency that’s exhibited here. The lovely Sheena seems to have an almost desperate need to get all her holes stuffed — it’s imperative! Believe us, we respect her mission. If we were there, we’d be like a surgeon’s assistant at the ready with every size dildo, extra lube, rubber gloves… whatever she needed. She’s gotta get stuffed, and by george, we’ll see she does!

We don’t pretend to be the sportingest blog out there (hey, Deadspin). But god dang it, the mattress is our field, HJs and BJs our moves, and, for us, scoring happens in loads of jizz. And hey, we get picked first if you know what we mean. But this gamesome couple is right up our alley, and we’d be proud to have them on our team.

Could it be that there have been thirty-seven separate entries in this series, and they’ve all been showcasing unrequited love? It chills us to think so, but if we don’t ask the question now, we’ll never ask it. Where do the big toys want to be? Locked inside a sheath slung across the back of a barbarian warlord? Do these massive plastic dongs secretly yearn to be wrapped in tinfoil so they can express their inner burrito-ness?

Seriously, these guys have everything under the sun to make a real underground kink party special. Upside-down hanging chains? Flogs and whips of all sizes? Dildos of every color and caliber? A punishment rack? It’s like they’ve got a mini Kink armory in their basement… and we’d love to play!

There’s a huge variety of dick-shaped toys out there that vibrate, pulse, and wiggle up a storm — but they all require one fucking oneself with them. Enter Fun Factory’s Stronic Pulsator: a toy that aims to bang you as a lover would. Or at least simulate the thrusting that that entails. But is it an adequate substitute for when that booty-call falls through?

Watch Anneli and Lola figure out what to do with that thing at Erotic Snap

We may not always be the biggest fans of mirrored doors, especially when they’re facing each other — is anyone else afraid of slipping into an alternate looking-glass realm?? — but, uh, this chick has really got something special here. We totally get this double-sided dystopia if you explain that this is your fucking hall. Because when you line up with your dildo in the center, what do you see? Why, you fucking yourself, infinitely. And that’s kinda brilliant.

We all know how excited we can get upon receiving something shiny and new. The urge to explore its functions and get to know it a little better is overwhelming. It’s fresh and exciting, and it’s all mine! Hands off! Well, yes, we know how that feels. But luckily this nice lady gets something big, black, and dildo-shaped, and shares her inaugural exploration with all the pervs of the world!

You know. That is a big dildo in Audrey Hollander’s butt. No question. And the humiliating manner in which she is made to fuck herself while sucking cock is certainly certainly going in our spank bank for at least a week. But, extreme penetrations. We dunno. Maybe we’re jaded. Seems like she should be sticking wild and crazy things in her butt, like plastic animals and decks of cards and bottles of Châteauneuf-du-Pape. Only ones with flared bases of course. We only endorse safe things being put in lovely butts like Audrey’s.

The minute “Toy Story” came out, every other person tried to look clever and tack the word “sex” onto the front. We get it. Sex toys are funny. Fortunately, Lee Roy Myers made a hardcore porn parody of the film that instantly blasts every bad “Toy Story” joke from the last eighteen years out of the water. That’s just how he lives life.

Despite any positive or negative feelings about it, I can truly say I’ve never used any toy quite like the Pure Wand. It’s 24 whopping ounces of solid stainless steel in the form of a smoothly curved shaft topped with a one inch and one-and-a-half inch ball at either end. Created as the ultimate indulgence in G-spot or P-spot (prostate) stimulation, does this hefty hitter deliver the knockout?

This is kind of like that whole “Bloody Mary” in the mirror thing, right? You’ve got to arrange them all just so in order for this to work out. Looks like it’s three on the wall, three on the edge of the tub, and one on the floor? They should probably be arranged according to some sort of mirrored symmetry, with the largest dildo upright and perfectly aligned due east with the rising sun. Only then will your stud arrive.