We were fans of the series as is, but if things had taken such sexy turns while we were reading we would have snuck out the flashlight and read all night. This blonde biddie has taken things to the next level, getting a friend involved to live out the plot in all its smutty detail. Awesomely, the tale revolves around a lot of cunnilingus and bangin’.

We don’t even really have the space, but we’ll make it work for her. If she just stays perched up there on the couch like that, she doesn’t even have to pay rent. All we ask is that she let us sup upon her fantastic puss on occasion. Move over, Diane Deluna! Or on second thought, stay right there. We’ll make room for both of y’all. It’ll be fun! We’ll make family dinners, watch some great TV together, share some laughs and cunnilingus duties. This will work out mighty fine.

Damn, homies, when’s the last time you watched some good cheerleader porn? When’s the last time you saw Sindee Jennings drench a man’s face and hands with her fountain of a fanny (in the British sense)? We’re betting it’s been a while since you’ve appreciated either of those pleasures, so we got them both right here, all wrapped up in a handy bit of 69ing. It’s the pill-shaped sex capsule of your dreams.

It might seem like an equation that doesn’t add up, but believe you me, sluts defy all logic and make it work. That’s the great thing about ‘em… Where there’s a slut there’s a way. In addition to their science-defying dexterity, they’re also great at 69ing and BJs. What’s not to love?

Why, there’s so much pussy-licking, dick-blowing, cowgirl-bangin’ action here we’d think it would necessitate one of those 2-tape set dealios (hey, Titanic!). But somehow Jane Milo’s giant tits and slutty ways manage to be captured within the magnetic tape confines of the medium. We think we need to break out the Betamax and Laserdiscs, though, just in case… We mean, she’s basically oozing sultry all over the place. And we don’t wanna miss a drop!

Play along with Macy and Zoey in “Game Night”, from Babes.com

When settling down for a robust and hearty sexual repast, one mustn’t forget the importance of the first course — a little bite that rouses the appetite and piques the desire for a full and lusty feast. You know what fits the menu? A nice bit of facesitting and a light indulgence in some puss-lickin’.

There’s nary a thing as sweet as a babe having a stellar orgasm. So, imagine the joy that comes from having that orgasm happen right on your face. It’s like plunging from the zenith of a roller coaster, like jumping into a ballpit full of downy pillows, like getting free reign of Disney World without a line in sight. In other words, it’s happiness exponentiated, we tell ya.

Though many choose to call it facesitting for the directness of the term, we’ve always preferred the elegance of queening and the royal connotations it brings with it. There’s power in the word, as if a trump card is being laid on top of your deck, and even the lowly face becomes a throne for a special someone.

We can’t quite decipher all that’s going on in “Tödliche Versuchung” (“Fatal Attraction”), but we understand that Julia Koschitz is cheating on her husband with a PYT. Adultery needs no language! We see it in the way the young man carries Julia, in the way she begrudgingly puts on the sparkly dress her husband requests, in the differing qualities of her post-sex faces.

We know we’ve only just begun to talk about “Hemlock Grove” with you, so we hope you’ll forgive us for skipping ahead in the series in order to bring you these steamy scenes starring Emily Piggford as Ashley Valentine. We went from the first episode to the seventh (and even clipped a piece of the eighth) in order to show you just how divine this young actress is.

It’s fun for the whole family! Although we don’t know if we’d want to play against Aiden Ashley… she’s so good she’d be hard to beat. But hey, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, and then we can all beat off together. That’s a total win-win.

There are tons of ways chicks can tell the world they’re BFFLs! They can get matching gal pal tattoos, they can make each other festive beaded bracelets, they can participate in ritualistic blood-sistering, they can hold hands and skip down the sunny sidewalks together. Or, they can rock a tag-team BJ. That’s a good way, too.

There’s plenty of time for academics and extracurriculars — but a well-rounded prep school kid (18+ of course) should make plenty of time for car-hood cunnilingus and that sweet, sweet outdoor boning.

We don’t pretend to be the sportingest blog out there (hey, Deadspin). But god dang it, the mattress is our field, HJs and BJs our moves, and, for us, scoring happens in loads of jizz. And hey, we get picked first if you know what we mean. But this gamesome couple is right up our alley, and we’d be proud to have them on our team.

Why, it’s the chick with the dick in her mouth and babe on her ass. You know, they say when there are too many cooks in the kitchen the broth gets spoiled. That could sort of be true for group sex of any proportion, what with the dicks flying, legs spreading, and fingers fucking it could lose direction any moment (although we think chaos might be fine). However, in this instance, we’ve got a babe in charge. And when her commands are along the lines of “Lick my ass”, well, who doesn’t want to follow orders?

You know, the title of this lovely film is “Cougars VS. Kittens” — but we don’t really see a whole lot of antagonizing going on because it seems like Diana Prince and Ash Hollywood are pretty into working as a team to get off the gorgeous high-school-quarterback-next-door that is Tyler Nixon.

Recently we talked about Big Wet Asses and how incredibly hot and awesome it is when porn shows fountains of lube! Historically, for some fucking reason, wetness is undervalued in porn. It doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to us, since as far as we’re concerned wetness is pretty much what sex is all about.