Aphrodite (Sarah Solemani) is a lovely young woman with a bright happiness bursting from the corners of her mouth, and unless she specifically requests to be jizzed upon, you probably shouldn’t jizz on her. She wants the journey of sex, not the destination of stickiness.

We’re back in our proper bed, at last. You’ve been waiting, wearing your good girl nightgown. As I get in, you make for my cock. You’re lusty, understandably, the last few days have been a build up of sexual frustration and tension. Your lips find my hard cock and you’re swallowing it so deeply. I can feel my head bumping against the back if your throat.

“Feeding Frenzy” seems like a misnomer for what goes on in this film, but it’s certainly a poetic misnomer. That terms makes us think of swarms of piranha or sharks feeding on groups of fish, but here we have a school of dudes being fed upon by one voracious babe. What would be a better title for that? “Bingebang,” “Greedy Cock Gobbling,” “Ball Buffet for One”? Those sound kind of lonely.

Don’t even act like you can casually jerk a dick, because you can’t. You have to think about relative wrist stiffness, lubrication, the angle of wankage, and that’s only a portion of the mental checklist. If ever you have doubts about proper handjob procedures, watch Krista jerk her man off. She’s a pro.

As far as we know, that right there is the first time a puddle of semen on a beautiful young woman’s naked chest has been shown on American television. We could be totally wrong about that though; nobody really keeps data about the number of times jizz has been on TV.

As soon as some warm weather rolls around, we’re going to get a bunch of our friends together and have a good old fashioned water war. It’s been a while since we used any squirt guns, and our pumping muscles have atrophied from age, so we’re thinking of upgrading to “Squirt Machines 2.” Dani Daniels will make a formidable weapon on the battlefield (of the local park).

Did you know that all non-European Union residents have to convert their semen to Euro-semen before having sex? It’s true; the EU is very strict about these sorts of things. You have to get your stuff switched with a non-pasteurized and nutrient-rich baby paste before you can give anybody a facial or a creampie. It sounds extreme, but at least there are dedicated teams of sperm swappers who can smooth out the transition for you.

Jore Puusa is a Finnish photographer who’s been working on his craft for decades. Though we’re sure he’s doing lovely work right now, we’re currently drooling over a series of darkly sexy Polaroids he took between 1983 and 1989. They make us feel both aroused and uneasy, and we absolutely love them!

In that way we sometimes do, we sometimes have to, just given the realities of life, we had prenegotiated what our sex would look like that night. “I want you to go down on me when we get home,” T said as we headed out to the family affair.

“Of course,” I said.

The artisanal blowjob craftswoman known as Camille Crimson introduced a new feature on her website called “Facial Mondays,” and, friends, we couldn’t be happier about it. Just when we start wondering what Camille can possibly do next to wow us, she starts waxing erotic about how beautiful and romantic it can be to smear your partner’s love juice on your face and in your mouth. Wow, Camille. Wow.

The next time some adult tries to make small talk about the world economy with us, they’ll probably say something like, “The euro went down today.” Then we’ll respond, “No, ‘Sperm Swap in Europe,’ has been out for months.”

These days, it’s seen as cool and progressive to de-emphasize the orgasm and reduce its power so that it’s not the goal of sexual activity but merely another facet of it. We’re totally down with that aim, and we’ve definitely done our fair share of praising the journey over the destination, but let’s be real for a moment: orgasms are the shit.

I want you to get nice and hard for me. As I feel my mouth make first contact with your cock, I get almost achingly turned on. Sometimes I just feel like I’m just made for giving blowjobs. My lips slide all the way down to the base and I lick at your balls, feeling them shift as my tongue works them over. When you put your hand gently on my head and my lips sliding work in tandem with your thrusts, I feel like we’re in perfect harmony. Together, we know each other so well and this delicious blowjob is a perfect representation of our bond.

In honor of Jiz Lee Week, we’ve decided to take a closer look at jizz! You know what we mean: sperm, spunk, splooge, skeet, come (or cum), semen, baby batter, man milk, etc. It holds an important place in pornography, but have you ever stopped and wondered why? Do you ever ponder the mysteries of ejaculation? We do. Let’s do it together.

There are some women who passively accept a facial–or, worse, take it begrudgingly. Then there are those–like Amia Miley here!–who thrillingly embrace the strings of come as they sail across their faces. Can you guess which ones we like watching get come on?

It’s no secret we’re head over heels for Max and Lilyanne, the beautiful sexhibitionists behind Pornographic Love. Most recently we lusted with them for Valentine’s Day, and before that, Halloween. This time there’s no holiday regalia in sight — just simple and exquisite fucking.

Just because most of the schoolgirls you see are between the ages of 18 and 25 doesn’t mean there’s a maximum age to be academically erotic. If you have a plaid skirt in your closet, put it on! Heck, take night classes if you really want the credits behind your cooch, all that matters is that you believe in yourself.

Actually, the FDA is still debating whether or not anal sex is “half the calories” of vaginal sex, and they’re taking forever to approve or deny that claim. It’s not their fault, really. Anal sex is neither a food nor a drug.