Did you know that the most commonly reported sexual problem for heterosexual couples is that the man’s penis is too large? (We may have mentioned this in the past.) No one in this movie has any complaints of that nature; we just wanted to make sure you don’t feel bad for having a cock smaller than Mandingo’s. We’re all in that boat with you, brother.

We were in the mood for some cute li’l lesbians this morning (well, when is anyone not), but then we found this. Which turns out to be the trailer for a six-and-a-half hour devil’s romp with the best and nastiest pornstresses in the world. Extreme? Yes. Extremely-fucking-hot? Also yes. So get out your clothespins, facemasks, spanking hands, and filthy mouths because we’re going in.

I never met anyone like Riley Reid when I had to take a summer typing class at a junior college.

When we think of the title “Porno Pranks,” we imagine someone getting spitroasted with a Kick Me sign on their back, or someone looking inside a gaping asshole just as plastic snakes fly out of it. What we don’t think of is Riley Steele and Jesse Jane having sex with guys and filming it without their consent.

And yet, we think spelunking is a much more accurate term for what’s going on here. Yes, these gentlemen are taking a plunge into an anus, but plunge implies water is involved and plunger brings up some other unsexy connotations. Spelunking, however, is all about exploration and safety; that’s exactly the kind of mood we want to set for this butt sex bonanza.

In case you didn’t get the memo, nobody shakes hands anymore. For one, it’s an outdated mode of expression that many cultures don’t practice. Second, your hand is the germiest part of your body. Third, nothing says “I’m down with the program” quite like the overwhelming tightness and genital unity of a good double penetration. Keep this in mind for your next business meeting.

Recently we talked about Big Wet Asses and how incredibly hot and awesome it is when porn shows fountains of lube! Historically, for some fucking reason, wetness is undervalued in porn. It doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to us, since as far as we’re concerned wetness is pretty much what sex is all about.

The unspoken ladder of pornographic intensity states that girl-girl more hardcore than solo, boy-girl is harder than girl-girl, an so on and so forth. Interracial sex and double penetration used to be sitting pretty at the top of the heap, but now there’s a new way to play and every adult actress on the block is sure to be counting down the days until she finally has her first “Double Black Penetration.”

We’ve always said there should be gyms where everyone just acknowledges that the reason we go to the gym is to look better naked. If John Stagliano opened a gym, he would take it one step further and give classes in how to walk in a way that is most appealing to butt fetishists, and how to deep throat a double dildo, and how to stretch your asshole to gape-ing proportions you never knew you were capable of!

We know what you’re thinking: “Didn’t we just see a Digital Playground movie about people trading significant others in order to satisfy some twisted bet last week?” You’re absolutely right, we did. Maybe somebody at Digital Playground is really itching to screw his best friend’s girlfriend. (Maybe everybody on Earth feels that way.)

When you ask pornstars about sex, you don’t just get a handful of neat tricks to try in the bedroom, you get to hear their philosophies about what it means to be sexy, to give and receive pleasure, and how to give yourself the best emotional, physical, and mental opportunities for experiencing unbridled sexual ecstasy. You also get a sweet bunch of one-liners and goofy quotes. God, we love pornstars so fucking much!

For the beautiful ladies of porntopia, one can only imagine daily life involving a slight barrage of hopeful fellows throwing their best lines out, hoping for a bite. We inquired of the babes of AEE as to some of the standouts or standbys they’ve encountered — and the real zingers may induce a groan, giggle, or grimace, but for the most part it’s pretty much a womp womp sort of situation. Nevertheless, we can all giggle together.

You ever hear those stories about moms suddenly having the strength to lift huge cars in order to save their kids? That pretty much sums up the wonderful anus Skin Diamond was blessed with.

So at AEE, Fleshbot decided to do some serious investigating with our favorite pornstar paramours and proposed a question — out of all the folks in the biz, past and present, whether you’ve already stuck it to ‘em on set or just wish to — who brings a smile to your face and a fire to your loins? Like, who you mega-crushin’ on? Some answers were straightforward, others more a surprise, but one thing’s for sure: Porntopia is one big, beautiful, sleazy fucking family.

Low energy? Feeling depressed? Why not try an exercise regimen that doesn’t lose fat, but instead accentuates it by making it bounce around joyfully? You need ass clapping in your life, and we have ten hot pornstars here to show you how it’s done. Loosen your legs up and play along at home!

We don’t want to spoil the show for you, but we figured you might want a little heads-up. A little birdy told us that there’s going to be penis entering anus at some point during the film–maybe once, maybe twice, maybe in every scene–so you should prepare yourself for it. Pray to whatever god feels appropriate.

When grilling pornstars on their hidden talents, one gets many surprising answers: bowling, horseback riding, webmastering, recreational hunting, the works. But we’re equally as impressed with talents that involve tits (naturally). So, we’ve got a couple breast-bouncing beauties here — in corner one, Chanel Preston, with a combination individual/double rack attack jumpshot. In corner two we have Stormy Daniels, who’s got her puppies doing a veritable pas de chat upon her sternum. So… whose boobs bounce best?