Just when it seems like “Californication” is giving Charlie a taste of the good life, Runkle does something dumb with his dick and ruins everything for everybody. Should we pity him? We don’t know. The only person we pity right now is Housewife Hannah, who accidentally got a mouthful of Runkle.

Hank is trying to make magic happen: he’s trying to get a legendary guitar from a sketchy drug dealer, he’s also trying to score some coke, and he’s surreptitiously trying to score with Faith. This would probably be a much smoother process if Meghan Falcone weren’t sitting topless next to them, or if Charlie weren’t staring and talking directly at her tits.

Charlie wants Hank to work on a film about the underground gay S&M club scene in New York City, and this requires a lot of effort from everyone. Charlie pretends to be gay so he can cozy up to Robbie Mac and secure the writing gig–possibly by giving Robbie a blowjob. Meanwhile, Hank has to sleep with an agent he doesn’t really like (but that sounds like par for his course).

As far as we can tell, this “Californication” scene wasn’t actually intended to be a nude scene of any sort: Maggie Grace keeps her clothes on throughout, it’s dark, there’s no overt attempts at showing off the goods. But a closer inspection reveals that Maggie’s breathless, “I want to” might actually be revealing some naked intentions.

We learned a lot about Hank last night. His wildest dream “involves a three-breasted midget with labia piercings and a desire to please,” which is pretty cool. Also, if you’re a Lars von Trier parody with a penchant for peeing on prostitutes, Hank will punch you in the face! Yes, he’s a complex man. It’s a complicated show! Fortunately, nice boobs are here to keep it simple.

Lizzie wants a part in “Santa Monica Cop,” so she gives Charlie a hot tub blowjob. We don’t see anything wrong with this! Oh sure, she’s just using him to help her career, but did you ever consider that Charlie uses women to help his self-esteem? You did? Yeah, it’s pretty obvious. The point is this: give Lizzie all of the parts in “Santa Monica Cop” as long as she keeps showing her tits week after week.

It’s easy to condemn Lizzie (Camilla Luddington’s character) for exploiting Charlie and getting free headshots out of a man who only wants to make her come, but honestly, we viewers are no better. Then again, we’re not quite as bad as his ex-wife; she construts anti-Runkle role playing scenarios in order to get off.

Anytime a hot girl comes out of a pool flashing her boobs, everybody cries “Fast Times!” and starts quoting Spicoli, but for the record, we think Camilla Luddington actually looks like Phoebe Cates in this scene. Of course, we never got to see Phoebe Cates’s butt, and here we can plainly see Camilla’s full ass (including her super cute back dimples), therefore “Fast Times” has nothing on “Californication.”

Just when Meagan Good finally takes her top off–in an episode that’s chock full of sweet lines for Kali, to boot–we suddenly are reminded that we used to watch her on “My Cousin Skeeter” all the time in the late ’90s. What a buzzkill.

If you’re not familiar with Hank’s ex, Carrie (Natalie Zea), here’s a quick character sketch: she’s totes cray-cray and horny 24/7. She wants Hank to keep fucking her, but he’d rather do things like answer the doorbell, hang out with Karen, and anything else that doesn’t involve sex with Carrie.

Winter is here, a bunch of nudity-laden TV shows are back on the air, and life is good. Last night, Showtime treated us to an old favorite, “Californication,” and introduced us to a new hopeful, “House of Lies.” Of course, we already saw “House of Lies” a bunch of weeks

It’s a new year with new shows and new seasons of old favorites. Even if the weather is still autumnal in some parts of the country, it’s going to get cold quickly, so prepare your cocoa, your blanket, and your couch for the following television experiences. While the fall lineup

Melissa Stephens pushed the envelope last week and now she’s back with an incest fantasy! We’ll forgive her though because she’s extremely hot and masturbates while Evan Handler is on the phone. Aren’t they the cutest? Like the way she says, “Runkle Haus” or the real talk that Charlie delivers

Although we didn’t get to see Ms. Timlin naked in last night’s episode, we did get to see some cleavage and some handcuffs. Consolation prize: Callie Thorne’s bulletproof ass. Second consolation prize: another insane female for Charlie! Seriously, Melissa Stephens might be the craziest yet. She’s like every sexual encounter

It just won’t be the same without you! Who will get naked on camera? Who will have sex with David Duchovny? Well, actually, there will most likely be someone else who has sex with David Duchovny. Sorry, Addison. But no one takes their top off quite like you do! Believe

Poor Charlie. Last week he was getting lectured on his pubes and poor sexual prowess, and this week he accidentally killed a monkey. Doesn’t this man deserve a normal, enjoyable sexual encounter? We think so. But if nothing else, his clumsiness and misfortune serves to elevate the simple, comfortable grace

Camille Chen has much to say on these topics! Overly hairy crotch: bad. Doggie-style sex: good, mostly because it allows for one party to have great sex while the other party enjoys decent sex and multi-tasking. Of course, multi-tasking: great. Even if you’re not interested in watching her lecture Charlie

Oh, Addison Timlin, you and your boobs never disappoint us. This season of “Californication” has been great so far, and we hope you never go away or button your blouse or anything silly like that. What would we do without you? What would David Duchovny do without you? Sure, he

Now that Christmas is over and done with, it’s time to turn out thoughts to more important matters. For instance: when “Californication” returns on January 9, will it bring loads of topless women with it? Oh, silly…of course it will! Or at least one topless woman, anyhow. Based on preview

Oh look! It’s our favorite type of rumor to wake up to: rumors about upcoming TV nudity! And since these are rumors about “Californication,” and not, say, “Weeds,” there’s a high degree of likelihood that they’ll amount ot something hot! So who can we look forward to ogling this season?