Miranda, honey, sweetie, we hate to break it to you like this, but we think you need to have a chat with your clothing about your future together. We get that you’re a model, and fashion is important to you and your career, but it’s starting to look like there’s some strife between you and whatever fabric is blocking your boobs at any given moment. Maybe it’s time to address the issue. Better yet, undress the issue!
Oh no! Someone’s using the shower at the beach and Jennifer Nicole Lee can’t get her spray on! Not a problem. Jennifer has a backup plan: a gallon of water in a jug. It’s only gonna take a few quick splashes to get this show back on the road.
Right now, a lot of people are saying things like “Damn, Katharina Damm!” and that’s fine, but we’re not going to do that. No, instead, we’re going to say, “Hey, Katharina, your breasts are shaped like beautiful little zeppelins. Thanks for putting them out there! Also, are you still dating Jared Leto?”
Dang. We understand there are sometimes stipulations about teachers having to get administrative approval on jobs outside the school district, but this story still bums us out. Olivia Sprauer was a high school English teacher who worked as a glamour/bikini model under the name Victoria Valentine James, but as soon as her superiors got a hold of her pictures, she was fired.
Our first introduction to Francesca Eastwood came with Coachella and all the cutoffs being worn there. This is only our second time seeing here, and so far, we’ve only seen her wearing string bikinis over her tiny titties. We approve of this trend, and we desperately hope she continues it, and we would love to toss the football around with her.
Though brief, these moments with Anna Maria Sturm have been enlightening. Never before have we appreciated the strange geometry of goggles and a snorkel on the face of a beautiful, topless, German actress, but now that we know about it, we’re going to buy a whole new set of costumes for the bedroom. Don’t even get us started on fins and flippers.
Joyous accidental nudity! It’s a sight that fills us with happiness. “Home & Away” star Lisa Gormley was simply having too much fun to worry about where her boob was in relation to her bikini, and thus, this moment was created. May we all forget our bodies in such a beautiful way.
How’s this for a little deja vu? It’s a new season of “Mad Men,” Megan and Don are somewhere beautiful, there’s lingerie on display, and here come Jessica Pare’s boobs. Yes, that’s exactly how the previous season started off. AMC, we deeply appreciate your patterns.
As you’ve probably know, Heidi Klum recently saved the lives of her son and his nannies when a riptide nearly dragged them out to sea. It was most certainly a terrifying moment for Heidi, but she did what needed to be done and didn’t once think about her skimpy bikini revealing her nipple. Why would she? She was in hero mode. This is easily the greatest nipslip of all time.
It’s only appropriate that this is how we should find Amy Markham when you consider how we met her: strolling the beach with her nipples falling out of her barely-there bikini. We may not know much about this gorgeous model, but one thing is for sure: Amy Markham is consistent.
When we see Hayden Panettiere’s bikini butt up in the air like this, our minds start to wander. We know she’s only in this position so she can smooth out her beach towel; we know her cheeks are only red because of the sun. Logic flows through us like a terrible river sweeping our fantasies away. Just give us a few moments to dwell on this image, just long enough that we can take it completely out of context. Is that so much to ask?
We’re fascinated by this photo, not only because of Michelle’s massive breasts (which are actually F-cups, sorry), but also by her facial expression and curiously posed fingers. We want to understand you, Michelle. What do you want? Sunglasses? We bet that’s the international sign for “Put sunglasses in my hands now, please.”
The “Lake Placid” franchise has brought us ample boobage over the years, and we were saddened when the latest straight-to-DVD release was titled “Lake Placid: The Final Chapter” (although the word “final” doesn’t necessarily mean anything). Fortunately, we stumbled upon this German film about a vicious crocodile escaping into the Danube, and we’re happy to report that it too brings the boobs with sexy lakeside scenery! All is right with the world.
The story is about six dudes who have trouble meeting girls, and in order to remedy their loneliness, they hold auditions for a fake film and will only give the part to the ladies who are willing to do anything. Charmingly sleazy, cheesy, and corny, yes? Sounds like there should be nonstop boobage, huh?
Since wrestling got booted out of the Olympics, the IOC has been looking for a new sport to fill the void. We think showering should be part of the games, and our country should be represented by mega-MILF Jennifer Nicole Lee. Those other countries don’t stand a chance–just look at those nipples beneath that wet t-shirt!
Sometimes, we are all like a topless model standing on the beach. We stare off into the distance, freezing our nipples off, wondering when we can finally stop wasting time and get back to work. Little do we realize that this lull has its own purpose; someone somewhere is taking pictures, and those pictures will end up making a bunch of perverted bloggers very happy.
It’s so relieving to see Leilani showing skin in the sun again. Having just gotten over a yearlong dearth of Leilani, we were excited to see her out and about with her nipples having a night on the town, but this right here is a little more important. Leilani Dowding belongs in the sun, and with this picture, we know the sun will come back to her.
Drip drip, your drawers have dropped! This isn’t the first time it’s happened, but the addition of a belly chain makes it feel like a whole new event. See how the bead on the end of the chain dangles right between her butt cheeks? That bead is the luckiest bead on Earth.
Time and time again, the paparazzi impress us with their good fortunes. The amount of cleavage popping out of that bright green bikini is enough to make us happy, but the fact that someone happened to be in the right spot while Kelly was sitting backwards on her pool chair and adjusting her boob coverage makes us feel like God has a plan for us all. Our plan involves big tits and nipples and sunshine!
In case you were wondering how many iterations of “Lake Placid” have been brought to life, the answer is five, this being the fifth. Embarrassingly, we’ve seen them all, but we have to say that the writing in this final one may be our favorite. For example, one woman criticizes Scarlett Byrne for hopping on some boy’s jet-ski. “Skank,” she hisses, watching Scarlett walk away, “but she does have a great ass though.”