Everybody knows what pigtails are for. Pulling. Yanking. Tugging. That’s how you get pretty girls’ attention you know. Even if they scream or threaten to tell on you, that’s just because they like you too. Then of course, pigtails make an excellent handle to grab onto when that pretty girl is down on your dick.

At first we thought Audrina Ashley was thoughtfully applying sunscreen to her boyfriend’s dickhead in a prudent and preemptive move to avoid sunburn on that sensitive area. But when she sucks it right off, there goes our theory. Aha! It’s whipped cream. Lord only knows how they’ll keep it nice and chilled during their fun day at the beach, but at least we don’t have to worry about dickburn — because she’s keeping it pristine and safe within that pretty mouth. Hey, can we do that instead of slicking up with SPF? It seems way more effective…

Most of the time, when ladies go to the beach, the only thing covering their bodies is a bikini. In this case, Aymeline is wearing a variety of clothes to the beach but letting her nipples hang out or peer through transparent material. We can’t decide if we prefer to see more skin with only the naughty bits covered or lots of coverage with the presence of the coveted nipple. One of humanity’s great philosophical struggles: to bikini or not to bikini? Perhaps we should lobby for every day clothes to be bikinis and beach clothes to be transparent.

Now this is what we like to see: a woman who is so much woman the bikini has no yet been invented that could contain her luscious bod, and who would invent that bikini anyway because this woman should not be contained.

We are seriously feeling the need to pour almond milk all over a bowl of sugary symbols and call it all part of a balanced breakfast, but we’re sure our wires are crossed with our fantasy of pouring almond milk all over Adriana Lima, and it makes us feel violated by capitalism when we were just planning on being violated by Adriana Lima…

So we’re not totally sure about the buoyancy properties of Ms. Alba’s ass, but all we know is if the sparkling blue waters about St. Barth’s started to close in around us, we’d grab for those shapely cheeks and hope for the best. And if it didn’t work out, hey, at least we slipped this mortal coil while in the midst of a booty grab.

Ain’t it funny how warm weather created this sort of loophole of decency standards? Ordinarily outfits such as these would be considered, well, not outfits, but in the bright sunshine they totally qualify. Also it seems as if this standard extends even more so to the great outdoors.
Which is all well and good if you can get out of the city and lay about sunning on some wood and cooling off in shallow creeks. But we’d like to campaign for bikinis qualifying as decent everyday wear in urban environments as well. Just while we’re grinding away trying to make a dollar out of a dime we need some live in the flesh eye candy to make it all worthwhile.

This is what summer is like isn’t it? Gorgeous slender models writhing to Rapture while fans blow up their skirts to reveal their pink underthings! We love it when models dance! It’s nice to see them moving instead of just giving good face. It’s more helpful in imagining how they would move if they were in our bedrooms.

Everybody loves an ass in the air (nobody more than us!) But the way a nice ass lays on a body that is lain out flat, the curve of the ass against the thigh. It drives us crazy and makes us want to stick things between the cheeks and wiggle them around and also wonder if we can save all those places the sun don’t usually shine from the horrible horrible sun with our magical suntan cream, which needs to be rubbed in extra extra deep in order to really prevent cancer. Not a lot of people know that!

Geez. That Remy LaCroix is a workaholic. She tries to go on holiday to Cabo San Lucas for some Baha sun and surf, and ends up workin overtime. Lucky for us, her job is being unbelievably cute and deliciously naughty.

Kimberley Garner’s camel toe has the lovely quality of an Easter basket. Reach into her bikini bottoms and you’ll find pink marshmellow peeps, chocolate bunnies and eggs that are every color of the rainbow!

Yvonne Strahovski is a bit overdressed for the beach, but if you’re gonna overdress this is the way to do it. If you’re gonna watch someone arrive at the beach and peel off their clothes to reveal the bikini, and later, bangin body beneath, please let it be lycra pants and a leather vest instead of the usual flowly white hippie sundress or sarong with little fishes on it. Also please let the girl be Yvonne Strahovski, because there is something about this girl that makes us want to buy her a can of beer and fried cheese on a stick from the guy wandering the beach selling snacks and declare our undying devotion while pouring our quickly melting ice cream cone all over those perfect abs.

When you’re Suelyn Medeiros, you celebrate the fact that a blizzard didn’t create a whole lotta devastation by taking silly bikini pictures in the snow. We’re just glad she’s wearing boots (for many reasons, mostly that we like boots, but also that we don’t want Suelyn to catch a cold!)

Boy oh boy you know you are a pervert when you see the shiny brass o rings on a horse’s head harnesses and all you can think about it nice leather strap on harnesses and fashionable body harnesses and then you start thinking about horses running around with dildos on their heads and you wonder if you need to take a break from looking at sexy fashion and then you say, “Never!”

Man, some people love to frolick and play like little kids in the ocean, but some folks like Judi Shekoni take swimming so seriously! Judi looks so in her element in the waves that we suspect she may secretly be a regal and powerful goddess of the deep blue sea. And the thing that really gives her away is how hard controlling the tides makes her lovely nipples.

There should be a word for pussy cleavage. Well, there sort of is – pussy gut. But what do you call is when it’s peeking or spilling over your pants, or in Mylenne Klass’ case, your wet pink bikini bottoms? It’s not that we don’t love big boobie cleavage. I mean, look at who you’re talking to. It’s just that we don’t really see why it has to be sort of prized and made iconic over other kind of bits pouring out of clothes?

This shoot makes us think of a friend of ours who is deathly allergic to strawberries and also a thrill seeking submissive. Her partner, who is totally sadistic, loves to tie her up and then do horrible things to her. They have a lot of fun! Apparently when he really feels like freaking her out, he keeps a bowl of strawberries next to the bed/cage/spanking bench/whatever and threatens her with them. Awww kinky love. We also once watched someone fuck someone else with a strawberry, and they came so hard it sucked the strawberry up into them and they couldn’t fish it out and they had to go to the hospital. Wow, we honestly didn’t know we had so many sexy strawberry stories, or that strawberries were so dangerous! Also Hayley Marie is hella fine. The end.

Our feelings about vaguely Mayan patterns put to trendy use notwithstanding, the best way to celebrate the fact that THE WORLD DIDN’T END is to celebrate the best parts of the world. And if girls wearing practically nothing isn’t a good way to start, call us Ah Puch (that’s the Mayan god of destruction, you plebs!). Or! Maybe! The world did end! And we are now living in a post-historical ultra-colorful fractal psychedelic multi-verse of cultural appropriation. Cuz if heaven doesn’t have naked babes, we’ll take our chances with hell, where we hear the music is bitchin’ and the conversation is stimulating and the meat is excellent and everyone guzzles mead from a drinking gourd made of Carl Sagan’s skull.