To be real, we could watch Lorelei Lee read the back of a cereal box and be engrossed. On the other hand, thank gooooodness Lorelei Lee chose the profession of “epic porn star” and not “epic back of cereal box reader” (we’re assuming that would be some sort of performance art thing).

Did you know that the most commonly reported sexual problem for heterosexual couples is that the man’s penis is too large? (We may have mentioned this in the past.) No one in this movie has any complaints of that nature; we just wanted to make sure you don’t feel bad for having a cock smaller than Mandingo’s. We’re all in that boat with you, brother.

It might seem like an equation that doesn’t add up, but believe you me, sluts defy all logic and make it work. That’s the great thing about ‘em… Where there’s a slut there’s a way. In addition to their science-defying dexterity, they’re also great at 69ing and BJs. What’s not to love?

Uh, yeah, we can’t tell if we want to unhinge our jaw and wolf this mf-er down, or run in fear because it’s pretty damn intimidating. It’s awakening our fight or flight response, and though sometimes we’re inclined to take the easy route and avoid confrontation, we’re into the idea of tackling this mondo-dong head-on (literally! Oh yeah.) So’s this bold biddie.

This shaken-up-edness is twofold: firstly, the sheer size of this wang makes us shiver. Secondly, the way this chick dives face-first into this dude’s ass strikes us pretty deep down. She seems full aware that she’s got a lot of divine gifts to play with here — we think she probably hasn’t had this much fun since recess.

We’ve been known to fall under the spell of a big-ass wang in our day. Like a charmer guiled by its snake,a magician enchanted by the wand, we can become a bit doe-eyed when faced with a megacock. Where it leads, we shall follow. And sometimes it takes you somewhere really cool, as in this case, to squirttown. One simply can’t defy it — when a schlong like this commands you to squirt, you do it. And how!

Check out Veronica Lynn and her babely friends gettin’ slammed roadside, by Backseat Bangers

It really makes a body feel quite sparkling and refreshed, let us tell you! This chick knows what we’re talking about. Why only mess about in the mouth when you can take that sucker all the way down and get your throat involved in the works? They’re an underappreciated part, we feel, and quite versatile. Sure, we use them to swallow (also useful in this circumstance) but we can also use them to do… well, whatever it is this chick is doing with hers here. It’s pretty cool.

Ah, it’s the ever-elusive FPOV. And, whaddaya know, it looks pretty darn good! Although we’re not sure if it’s as much chalked up to camerawork as it is to this awesomely hung cock that’s diving in and out of her. Let’s say it’s 50/50. But that cock really makes a pretty cool starlet.

What has sir Jack Hammer done to get himself in this much of a pickle? He must have been a real jerk, because January Seraph has certainly got some lessons in politeness to impart. She knows how to get results, though, and fast… For every clamp she snaps onto his balls, as she slaps him handily in the thigh, when she clenches his bulging dickhead between her teeth, he responds with a resounding, “Thank you!” It sounds like he means it to us.

Could it be that there have been thirty-seven separate entries in this series, and they’ve all been showcasing unrequited love? It chills us to think so, but if we don’t ask the question now, we’ll never ask it. Where do the big toys want to be? Locked inside a sheath slung across the back of a barbarian warlord? Do these massive plastic dongs secretly yearn to be wrapped in tinfoil so they can express their inner burrito-ness?

Hey, lookie there! We’re united by Anglophilia; exalted by fuckophilia. We have so many things in common, it’s remarkable. Not least among them is feeling all atwitter in the face of a sweet POV slam. And gettin’ hot and bothered when there are boobies to grab. We kind of think we should get together and talk about our mutual interests. Or, you know, touch ourselves instead.

Who cares if all of Shane Diesel’s stories are the same? All of Grimm’s tales are pretty similar–you know, witches this and forests that–and nobody ever talks smack about those. Think of Shane as the Fairy Godfather who comforts horny wives in their time of need and gives them the good ol’ mother goosing.

The similarities aren’t too far removed when it comes down to it: a sweet and tasty sheath hiding a sticky, chewy (..?) center. Okay, if your cum is chewy there may be some more issues at play here, but as far as we’re concerned, near any jizzload would be preferable to the crappy gum inside a Blow Pop.

Apparently these big-boobied babysitters have things other than kiddie funtimes on their minds… It seems they prefer hunting down DILFs and coercing them into getting their cocks out. Hey, that sounds fun! But we doubt this cheeky teen expected a gargantuan monster cock to be lurking beneath the jeans of this dorky dad. Imagine her surprise, she can barely get her mouth around the tip alone!

This chick would be able to get anyone’s rocks off even whilst bound up in some Houdini-style manacles. And that would be pretty damn hot, too. And though we’d find it thrilling to see her perform some great escapes, we think we’re more impressed at the techniques and magicking that she employs when conjuring a hearty load from a turgid cock.

A sweet faceful of cock… Yeah, we’re really into the tagline of this Throwback Thursday flick, which is: “How far does a girl have to go to untangle her tingle?” And though we’re not entirely sure what that means, we believe her tingle must be on the straight and narrow because she’s gone pretty darn far. With that cock. In her face.

Mandingo is a gentle soul with a cock that is both royal scepter and fearsome cudgel. No one ever comes to harm when grappling that third leg of his, but doing so is a life-changing experience, and some people find that they’ve been so transformed by that big ol’ bone that their entire lives are upheaved. Basically, there’s an existential violence associated with Mandingo’s manhood, but that’s about it.

Perhaps the “Anal Overload” is finally getting to Claire. “Run that cock between those huge big tits,” she says as Sean Michaels jabs at her neck with his dick. “Yeah, oh yeah. Imagine that’s my fucking asshole right now.”

We don’t subscribe to getting all wrapped up in V Day hoopla — but we love love! And we love Nina Hartley. And we love that she loves banging the crap out of Peter North’s big, thick cock. This is the kind of sentiment we appreciate. Forget cards: bring on the cocks!