You know when you just need something to wear whilst lounging around your little doll house that’s been built on the beach? We think we have the solution for you!

At first we thought Audrina Ashley was thoughtfully applying sunscreen to her boyfriend’s dickhead in a prudent and preemptive move to avoid sunburn on that sensitive area. But when she sucks it right off, there goes our theory. Aha! It’s whipped cream. Lord only knows how they’ll keep it nice and chilled during their fun day at the beach, but at least we don’t have to worry about dickburn — because she’s keeping it pristine and safe within that pretty mouth. Hey, can we do that instead of slicking up with SPF? It seems way more effective…

Most of the time, when ladies go to the beach, the only thing covering their bodies is a bikini. In this case, Aymeline is wearing a variety of clothes to the beach but letting her nipples hang out or peer through transparent material. We can’t decide if we prefer to see more skin with only the naughty bits covered or lots of coverage with the presence of the coveted nipple. One of humanity’s great philosophical struggles: to bikini or not to bikini? Perhaps we should lobby for every day clothes to be bikinis and beach clothes to be transparent.

So we’re not totally sure about the buoyancy properties of Ms. Alba’s ass, but all we know is if the sparkling blue waters about St. Barth’s started to close in around us, we’d grab for those shapely cheeks and hope for the best. And if it didn’t work out, hey, at least we slipped this mortal coil while in the midst of a booty grab.

This is what summer is like isn’t it? Gorgeous slender models writhing to Rapture while fans blow up their skirts to reveal their pink underthings! We love it when models dance! It’s nice to see them moving instead of just giving good face. It’s more helpful in imagining how they would move if they were in our bedrooms.

Everybody loves an ass in the air (nobody more than us!) But the way a nice ass lays on a body that is lain out flat, the curve of the ass against the thigh. It drives us crazy and makes us want to stick things between the cheeks and wiggle them around and also wonder if we can save all those places the sun don’t usually shine from the horrible horrible sun with our magical suntan cream, which needs to be rubbed in extra extra deep in order to really prevent cancer. Not a lot of people know that!

Geez. That Remy LaCroix is a workaholic. She tries to go on holiday to Cabo San Lucas for some Baha sun and surf, and ends up workin overtime. Lucky for us, her job is being unbelievably cute and deliciously naughty.

It looks really fucking hot, but we’re not sure how we feel about latex swimwear. Is the beach really the place for latex? First of all, you overheat in that gear real quick, so it seems like a recipe for disaster in the hot sunshine. Latex doesn’t exactly, breath you know – it’s rubber dudes. It seems like you might get crazy sunburns in it too.

Yvonne Strahovski is a bit overdressed for the beach, but if you’re gonna overdress this is the way to do it. If you’re gonna watch someone arrive at the beach and peel off their clothes to reveal the bikini, and later, bangin body beneath, please let it be lycra pants and a leather vest instead of the usual flowly white hippie sundress or sarong with little fishes on it. Also please let the girl be Yvonne Strahovski, because there is something about this girl that makes us want to buy her a can of beer and fried cheese on a stick from the guy wandering the beach selling snacks and declare our undying devotion while pouring our quickly melting ice cream cone all over those perfect abs.

Fitness is important, and if you can possibly do it at the beach, even better, and if you can be naked that’s really the best of all possible worlds. We have to tell you, we’re tentative about hyperbole, but this MIGHT BE THE BEST GIF OF ALL TIME. It’s scenic, goofy (lookit that grin!), proves babes are tough, absurdly arousing, and … well, features titty smooshing in the wet sand. What more could you ask for in this crazy world

There should be a word for pussy cleavage. Well, there sort of is – pussy gut. But what do you call is when it’s peeking or spilling over your pants, or in Mylenne Klass’ case, your wet pink bikini bottoms? It’s not that we don’t love big boobie cleavage. I mean, look at who you’re talking to. It’s just that we don’t really see why it has to be sort of prized and made iconic over other kind of bits pouring out of clothes?

Some herald the arrival of Labor Day as the end of the summer… But it’s hot as balls where we are today and we’ll be damned if there isn’t ample opportunity to enjoy the beauty of nature still. So, we’re heading to the beach, slickin’ up with some SPF 30, getting wet then getting off. Endless summer = endless BJs. Right?

What’s your favorite form of punctuation? You may have noticed we’re partial to semi-colons. So versatile. But our all-time-favorite punctuation is the INTERROBANG. Look it up, it’s real. The Interrobang is the question mark exclationmation point–?!–indicating quixotic excitement. And we really think Hannah Glasby could use an exclamation to add to the question mark on her ass, cuz anything having to do with that booty requires enthusiasm.

We don’t think it’s hyperbolic to say that these young, spunky amateurs are representatives of the ocean. They’re captivating, their movements can hold your attention for hours, and you probably feel an inexplicable urge to touch them and be inside them. But beware, for though they look innocent and calm, they can surprise and overwhelm you in an instant.