We were in the mood for some cute li’l lesbians this morning (well, when is anyone not), but then we found this. Which turns out to be the trailer for a six-and-a-half hour devil’s romp with the best and nastiest pornstresses in the world. Extreme? Yes. Extremely-fucking-hot? Also yes. So get out your clothespins, facemasks, spanking hands, and filthy mouths because we’re going in.

You know, there’s this stereotype that only chicks like porn with stories, but if “Broken Hearts” is any indication, dudes also want to see their hardcore couched in feeeeeeelings they can relate to. Turns out men have feeeeeeeelings too. Imagine that. Of course, if they choose, dudes can skip the feelings scenes and just go directly to the hardcore fucking. Just like chicks do.

Girls, boys, manticores, whatever you want to call these entities, they are fucking hot and horny and dying to take a dip in each other’s drawers. We suppose the main thing that make these babes into boys is the presence of a strap-on, but we prefer to think of them as unicorns. Because we can.

It’s fun for the whole family! Although we don’t know if we’d want to play against Aiden Ashley… she’s so good she’d be hard to beat. But hey, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, and then we can all beat off together. That’s a total win-win.

You know, the title of this lovely film is “Cougars VS. Kittens” — but we don’t really see a whole lot of antagonizing going on because it seems like Diana Prince and Ash Hollywood are pretty into working as a team to get off the gorgeous high-school-quarterback-next-door that is Tyler Nixon.

One of the great injustices of our time is that only people with children have easy access to babysitters. It’s not enough that these people get to bring new rays of sunshine into the world–they also have intimate relationships with some of the hardest working and most attractive young humans ever! Since it’s too darn creepy to borrow a kid for the purposes of babysitter boffing, Reality Junkies offers the following tales through which we can live vicariously.

Getting it on isn’t always pretty (and, oftentimes, the best instances aren’t). So imagine our delight when Juliland’s jGrrl of the month, the nasty Ms. Sovereign Syre, teamed up with that filthy Ash Hollywood for a diabolical makeout session that has us wanting to bring out the baby wipes. But… not just yet. Cleanliness may be godliness, but we’re rather enjoying this defiled and dirty hookup down in the depths of depravity. We’re just gonna keep our mind in the gutter for now, thanks.

We really appreciate the perfectionism and drive of that Ash Hollywood. Like a ballerina practicing her pliés, she sits with Andy San Dimas in front of a mirror to make sure her form and positioning are all ideal. How could she know unless she sees it in the flesh? We think she’s doing a great job, though, as far as we can tell. We may not be professionals (wait, actually, we are!) but that handiwork, her moves, that embrace, her speed — and, okay, that adorable face, too — make this a pretty sight indeed.

To answer that, we’d have to know a lot more about these two ladies, how easily they orgasm in general, how sensitive their respective lips are, and a bunch of other fine details. It’s much easier to ask a different question. Can we come from watching them kiss? Yes.

Hint: There was plenty of it to be seen on this year’s AVN red carpet. One may assume it’s the panty/no-panty contest we so scrupulously documented, but no. Turns out Ms. Hollywood is into something of a lengthier — and, okay, girthier — nature.

Golly, doesn’t it seem like it’s been forever since we’ve seen Ash Hollywood? To be fair, we wrote about her last month and she was named jGrrl of July, so we know she’s around, but it’s different when she hangs out with Igor and gets her tits illuminated on a spiral staircase.

Alexis
Texas is my Platonic Ideal of porn stars; her weight is refreshing, and her knees are dirty.

What will your legacy be? Will anyone remember your name, and if so, what for? These are questions that plague us all, and only some are lucky enough to find the answers. Diana Prince is one of the fortunate few, and though she’ll never have a statue erected in her honor or streets named after her, she knows that she taught Vanessa Cage how to suck a mean cock. Her life forever lingers on the lips of her young lover.

We’re really excited about this one. At first, we thought the plot was going to be boring because they managed to circumvent the incesty stuff, but then we realized that they’re feinting and hitting us with a deep-rooted Electra complex! Yes! Who’s ready to raise their eyebrows at some strange family dynamics? We are.

Lexi Belle was jGrrl of 2010, Audrey Bitoni owned 2011, and now the fresh and fabulous Ash Hollywood is the jGrrl of 2012. We don’t know what kinds of responsibilities and powers she’ll have, but Ash knows that whenever the burden gets too heavy, she can hop in the tub with a bottle of champagne and pour bubbly all over her body. That’s what fancy people do at spas.

If you’re not into the idea of characterizing ladies as cats, then you can pretend that “Meow!” is an acronym that stands for Munching Everything On Women, or Mouths Eat Orifices Well, or perhaps even Making Everybody Orgasm Whoa! The choice is yours.

Not having seen the movie or TV versions of Joss Whedon’s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is not a detriment to enjoying this porn adaptation. But people who don’t like Lexi Belle’s vagina probably shouldn’t watch it.

I’m not gonna even lie. I picked “Craving II” from the box ‘o’ porn at Fleshbot HQ because it looked hilarious. It’s a naughty take on fairy tales, a favorite topic of mine, and while Grimm’s stories have been Disneyfied over the years, I’m pretty sure that they never thought Rumpelstiltskin’s work-for-trade arrangement involved beejs with the miller’s daughter.