People assume that fingering is just a rest stop on the road to something more serious and oral, but that’s not fair to your phalanges. Anyone who’s ever felt the come-hither curve of Asa Akira or Katsuni’s fingers knows the truth. Admittedly, we don’t actually know what their touches feel like, but we’re pretty good at reading body language, and you better believe we’re poring over this text.

Or, you know, uses them as her own sexual playground. So maybe upstairs there’s a carnival with a petting zoo and artisanal salty-sweet popcorns and such, but Asa and Erik Everhard will never make it up there. But that’s okay, because we’re sure crackerjack BJs and multitiered standing sex is greater than billy goats and snackfoods and such anyway.

Erik Everhard has a new love in his life, but he’s also a regular and somewhat rambunctious swinger who’s a regular face in the local scene. Is he willing to give up his social life for the woman of his dreams, or will he try to have his cake and fuck everyone else’s cake, too?

The girl had a rough week, she’s all tense and stressed out, but fortunately, she’s treating herself to a nice massage. We don’t know where Manuel learned to give a back rub or who gave him his license, but we’re most definitely impressed with his balls-deep tissue massage.

The unspoken ladder of pornographic intensity states that girl-girl more hardcore than solo, boy-girl is harder than girl-girl, an so on and so forth. Interracial sex and double penetration used to be sitting pretty at the top of the heap, but now there’s a new way to play and every adult actress on the block is sure to be counting down the days until she finally has her first “Double Black Penetration.”

Jesse Jane is a superstar romance novelist whose books have been burning up the shelves and filling the fantasies of countless readers, but her life lacks the passion she writes about. A gal can only scribble sexy ideas down for so long before they start to seep into her brain, and Jesse has reached the point where she’s desperately craving real, fleshy, nasty human contact.

There could not be a porn movie more suited to our lazy tastes; we love morning sex! Babes be waking up, barely conscious of the big world outside the boundaries of the bed, their hair all messy and faces unmade, and nothing drives them but a little spark of horniness. If you have brunch plans with us, consider them officially cancelled because this is all we’re doing for the rest of our weekends.

I have always been confused by Elegant Angel’s choice to release its “Performers of the Year” for the current year in January. It’s not like the 2013 Honda CR-V, in which the aerodynamic and sporty XUV is new for that model year; “Performers of the Year” implies that the rest of the year is cake, and these ladies have already won.

To some, the sight of a diabolical dong strikes fear deep into their very hearts. Others get all juiced up and start gathering the spit lube, because challenges equate strenuous yet rewarding good times, and challenges made of cocks are even better.

No joke, the whole premise of this film is that BiBi Jones wakes up in a strange house after a party and has no way to leave because everyone is too busy curing their respective hangovers with rambunctious sex to give her a ride. It’s essentially “Hotel California” with a little anal fingering added in for good measure.

We’re not joking, neither. Our hearts skipped a handful of beats when we saw Tori Black pop-up in two scenes in this film. Not one scene, two! However, we don’t want you asking yourself, “How long ago were these scenes made?” Instead, ask yourself, “How long until I recover from watching these scenes?” You’re going to be a little bedridden.

There’s a reason Asa Akira is one of the most popular ladystars of porndom right now. She drips passion and lustful prowess whether coupled (or tripled, or quadrupled) with chicks or dudes alike, and no matter who she’s banging, one thing is clear: she’s a dirty, dirty girl. We’re exploring her catalogue for Elegant Angel and the world of Kink, but this overarching theme always comes through — and just comes, too.

Yes! Yes people! This is just how it is in real life! (We um, have some lesbian friends. We check our facts here at Fleshbot. We dot our t’s and cross our i’d and… wait, is that… oh hey, is that girls making out over there?) All the soft butch in the red flannel has to do is smarmily* introduce the idea of Truth or Dare and then everyone’s inner lesbian is revealed!

One of the things we love most about “Internal Damnnation”–besides the creampies and the religious connotation–is the fact that it makes us think of ejaculation as damnation. Can we please start using that as a regular term throughout porn? “Did you see that Asa Akira video? She takes a huge damnation to the face!”

Just imagine sitting on the couch twiddling your thumbs and diddling around when you notice a barely clad Asa Akira capering about and writhing on the floor. She does a quick little dance and then somehow is totes naked. What universe have you slipped into? Well, it’s a place where Asa’s magic dance involves a lot of graceful cock-gagging too.

Instead of thinking about who is the target demographic for a porn parody of Japanimation source material aimed at pre-teens, let’s rather expand our gaze to those who want to fuck Asa Akira and Lexi Belle. See? Now we don’t feel creepy at all.

I ask you: is there anything sweeter than two naked post-coital women gazing up at you while lazily twirling their ankles? Well, maybe if they were immediately pre-coital. Still, should call them “Cock Pigs”?