A German couple and their son relocate to Hammerfest, Norway, where the sunless days and the stress of new work start to pull them apart. Then Maria, the mother, accidentally hits a girl with her car and the family must hide the terrible secret from the town. Incidentally, this heals Maria’s marriage! Ain’t life screwy?

Beta-carotene helps improve your eyesight, especially your night vision, so will it help your eyeballs peer through Heidi Klum’s sheer dark dress? Is the night like a translucent top pulled over the world? You could also just turn the brightness up on your monitor and see nipples that way, but then you miss out on all the good carroty fiber.

We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking those clips of Pihla Viitala from “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” and “Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre” were great, but they weren’t enough to quench your thirst for this foxy Finnish babe. You know how we know what you’re thinking? We’re thinking the same damn thing.

We know you have places to go and stuff to do, but if you could just slow it down for a moment, you’d feel right as rain. Instead of running around and scrubbing like a maniac in your shower, you should sit down and sensually pour water all over your bod. You’ll feel like a goddess!

History was never our best subject in school, but we’d like to think that as we get older, we have a greater appreciation for the lessons the past has to offer as well as a new desire to gain wisdom from it. Today we’re going to learn why you should never have sex with Lucrezia Borgia or Henry VIII.

Right now, a lot of people are saying things like “Damn, Katharina Damm!” and that’s fine, but we’re not going to do that. No, instead, we’re going to say, “Hey, Katharina, your breasts are shaped like beautiful little zeppelins. Thanks for putting them out there! Also, are you still dating Jared Leto?”

We know you don’t want to get out of bed, and neither does Marion, but when that alarm goes off she’ll be leaping out of those sheets like a lizard. So whether you’re looking for some subtle gropage beneath the covers or are hoping to see a flash of full frontal, you better prepare yourself and get it while it’s hot.

“Da Vinci’s Demons” is only an eight-episode mini-series, so we’re painfully aware that our days of watching Laura Haddock get naked and cavort with Leonardo are numbered. Still, we will study this woman, and we will relish every last moment with her, for they will be steeped in education.

Did you catch “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters”? Perhaps you didn’t want to watch a story about a badass Hansel who has diabetes after being force fed candy as a child (we think it makes him a uniquely interesting hero). Anyhow, you missed a young witch getting buck ass naked in a pool in the woods and hooking up with Hansel.

How does our dear Leonardo unwind after a day of defending himself from (perhaps not so bogus) sodomy charges? He works out a way to make a camera obscura project an image of the judge having sex with a pig onto the skies above Florence. But when he’s done with that, it’s bathtime with Lucrezia! Look at her body steam.

No, she doesn’t really have a sex tape, but she does play herself in “He’s Way More Famous Than You,” in which she tries to make her star rise by filming herself screwing her boyfriend (sounds familiar). In some twisted way, it’s almost like Halley has a sex tape, but it’s not enough to earn this post a “sex tape” tag.

We were a little worried that last week’s topless blowjob from Dr. Carrie Roman (Betty Gilpin) was going to be a one-off kind of thing–a little raunchiness to inject fresh life into the show. Clearly, more injections are needed, because Carrie is back at it, controlling men with her amazing boobs and demanding flash cards.

We dig the vibe you’re going for here, Vanessa. We’re not sure if this is your all-around steez now, how you dress for all concerts, or merely how you dress to see the Rolling Stones, but this look works for you in a lot of ways. The skirt, however, doesn’t seem to function properly. Unless we don’t understand how skirts are supposed to work.

Poor Theon Greyjoy. Here he thinks he’s getting laid by two gorgeous and horny women with filthy mouths, and they start grinding on him and grabbing his dick and all that good stuff, but then it all goes downhill from there. And we’re pretty sure that when Theon gets knocked in the face with the horn, the thing that really hurts him is landing on his dong.

And you know, this is really one of those smooching pairs we never would’ve dreamed up on our own–probably because we tend to think of Rooney as Lisbeth Salander and Catherine as “that woman from ‘Zorro.’” We know, we’re small-minded. Nonetheless, this is a very special moment for everyone, for libidos around the world, and we urge you to forget about the part of the plot that includes pharmaceutical evils and sleepwalking murder.

There are a lot of reasons why her nipples might be erect, but the fact that she’s blasting some pokies and biting her lip at the same time means that something real is going on, something perhaps in her field of vision, and dear God we want to know what it is! (We want to be whatever it is!)

Lea Seydoux is one of those gals we can never get enough of, though sadly, there’s rarely much of her to go around. The last time we saw her was August of 2012–that’s too long for our liking! So when something like this happens, something like a few seconds of Lea taking off her top and letting her breasts briefly bounce, we have to make the most of it.

The award for Most Creative Way to Prevent Nipples from Showing in a Sexy Situation goes to Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes! Yes, as much as it pains us to say, we like what they’ve done here. If you must have something conveniently block nudity from our vision, let it be another human’s hands resting gently (or not so gently) on the naughty bits.

It seems Abbey Lee Kershaw wasn’t the only one keeping it punk at the recent Met Gala. Sarah Jessica Parker went all out with a mohawk-style crest, a huge gown, plaid boots, and well, her panties.

No STDs! Then again, you could consider insanity an STD in this case, so maybe we won’t count that one. At least ghosts are always creative in their sexual encounters. Take this young (appearing) lady for example: she appeared once in a nightclub, again tied up on the side of the road, and when she screws you, you have visions of Rene Magritte’s paintings!