But we’re ardent supporters of any hand that helps you fap your way to happiness.

You know, our assholes spend all (or most) of the day covered up, scarcely ever getting gussied up to attend the Saturday night ball. And that’s just a damn shame, because assholes are beautiful, ethereal creatures. Every ass deserves its moment to shine, albeit with a hazy, jizz-soaked halo.

In a world of hardcore face-fucking, ass stuffing, and general filthy depravity, it’s sometimes nice to reflect on the softer side of smut. Especially when that softer side involves a babe with luscious, pillowy lips (we’ll pretend they belong to Lana Del Rey) on which we want to rest our little cheek. But why merely rest when you could meet them with your own parted mouth, exploring what lies beyond with the delicate touch of your tongue? That sounds nice. Let’s all try to get in a soft, sensual makeout today, deal?

Erika Mayshawn, Via Babes and Girls

Just as the physical act of love can only be proven when it is all over your intended’s face, so does summer not really exist without tan lines making a minstrel show of your crotch and remaining pubes. The question is: Where should the come go?

We’re on the prowl, tracking Mila Kunis’s nipples across time and space, letting our eyes melt into her sweater until we discover what we want. Aha! There! Beyond the blue and beneath the bra, a vision of muted purplish-red: Mila’s nipple! We’re not going to trap it or hurt it though, we’re just going to admire it from a distance. Yes, we’re the nice kind of hunters.

Five married friends rent a swanky loft so they have some place to take their respective mistresses instead of a gross hotel or the backseat of a minivan. Good idea, right? Well, then one of them finds a dead woman in bed and it all goes to heck. We wish this were a feel-good comedy like “Hall Pass” with more money and sleaze, but it’s not! Fortunately, there’s a red band trailer, and we love those.

There are some things we wish could go on forever: massages, Paul Rudd movies, tasting menus, and babes whose mid-fellatio eye-contact makes us shiver down to our spines. However, they say all good things must come to an end. Perhaps if that end always involved a fast-shooting cum facial, we’d be more willing to deal.

To increase enjoyment of this film, imagine that the pornstars you see slapping their groins together are actually newlywed couples who spent all day and night getting married, going through the rituals, dancing with grandparents at the reception, and traveling to the bed and breakfast where they will finally lose their respective virginities and be so inexplicably skilled in the erotic arts that they have simultaneous orgasms that instantly bond them forever with zero chance for divorce.

We like finding new websites with boobs and such, but we love finding websites with boobs and such that have been styled, shot, and displayed by the artist, so we feel quite happy about introducing you to Future Thieves. They’re new, naughty, and we know nothing about them. Are we attracted to mystery? You bet we are.

We sometimes wonder why Terry hangs out with pornstars so much (besides a mutual appreciation of beauty, sass, and talent), but then someone posted a few pictures from an old book of Terry’s, called “Terry Richardson: Kibosh,” and it reminded us that the guy is practically a self-made pornstar.

Because we’ve never spoken, because neither of us entirely trusts the other, and because we’re each going considerably out of our way to meet, we each snap photos of our tickets and e-mail them to one another to reassure the other. We’re to meet half-way – in a backwater town somewhere near the midpoint between us where, conveniently enough, they have both liquor and a hotel.

When we heard that a movie called “Freelancers” is hitting theaters soon, we thought it was going to be about the struggles of self-employed writers (like us). Seeing 50 Cent and Forest Whitaker hang out in a brothel makes us think that they’re not playing writers at all. None of us can afford to mingle with babes like that.

We suppose seeing Katy Perry’s full moon is a surprise (a plump, pale, and perfectly wonderful surprise), but if we had known she was going to Raging Waters yesterday, we would’ve totally predicted something like this. Why do you think the place is called Raging Waters?

Gimme head snatch with hair/ Long, beautiful hair/ Shining, gleaming/ Streaming, flaxen, waxen. When we see Allie and her bush in action, we feel inspired to break into song. Although we’ve found in the past porn and musicals don’t mix… But if Allie does the fucking, we’ll take the big solo.

We’re not saying that we’ll only look at Nicole’s knockers through prisms; we’re just saying that if you have the option to create a couple extra Nicole with the help of a prism or kaleidoscope, you really ought to experience her sensual beauty in stereo.

In this last episode, no one got naked for any sexual reasons; all of the nudity is merely an afterthought to something else. Luna (Janina Gavankar) shows her boobs because she was doing some shapeshifting, and Lilith (Jessica Clark) is a mythical being who has probably never even thought about clothing once during her millennia of existence.