We watch “Parks and Recreation,” we know Aubrey Plaza is a cutie, so why are we only now writing something about her? Honestly, it’s because we just saw Aubrey seductively licking her knee in a shoot for Nylon and we stopped working to ponder it for a good fifteen minutes.
We’re totally digging this pretty lady’s ice queen getup. She looks so fancy, so silky, so ripe for a hard boning. The only thing we don’t love is the feathery neckline, because it gets in the way of our absolute favorite part of the ensemble: the wildly bouncing tits up top.
The pleasures of a teeny-weeny polka dot bikini have been well canonized. But we imagine the song would have gone a little differently if the lady in question had decided to rub her bikini-clad ass against some turgid cocks instead of, you know, been afraid to emerge from the locker room. Perhaps it would be more along the lines of our favorite boner anthem? Although that still doesn’t quite capture her booty’s voracious quest for cock. Maybe we’ll dust off our guitar and try to come up with something, her ass has us so inspired…
Is there anything as romantic as getting a side-saddle ass-fucking by the banks of the Danube? No. At least from the perspective of someone who’s been reviewing porn for ten years.
Well, Jessie Andrews sure is making the rounds with famous photographers: yesterday, we saw her photos by Terry Richardson, today she pops up in the latest episode of Shot By Kern…along with a bevy of other beautiful California girls (including a pair of softcore pornstars with a thing for each other’s feet).
It used to be that you could buy indulgences from the church to absolve you of your sins and get into heaven. Nowadays, you can indulge your sinful side by buying a membership to Elegant Angel’s website and enjoying access to the kind of porn they have in motel rooms in heaven. The end result is the same: you feel good about parting with your money and your libido gets renewed and reinvigorated. We swear that this process is much easier now than it used to be.
It’s a rare sighting — a randy cowboy mounting his lady’s dick and riding off into the sunset. But it’s a pleasant view from the top, seeing your lady’s tits nestled with your parts right beneath you. Though your vision may be a little obscured, what with her apparatus making love to your prostate.
Last year, showgirl/model/actress Ilary Blasi was saw her topless photos leaked to the press…and pretty much all we could wonder was what her backside looked like. Now, thanks to an unruly swimsuit bottom, we’ve got the beginnings of an answer…and, we might add, Ms. Blasi has the beginnings of a promising career playing a grown up version of the Coppertone girl.
Everybody wants a butt with bounce and a yoni that does yoga, but people often overlook the awesomeness of a sphincter that’ll snap back on your thumb like a mad rubber band. Leilani Leeane knows how to train her tuchus for tightness, and now she doesn’t even bother with a wallet; she keeps fatty rolls of cash neatly organized in her ass. If we might quote the poet Mase, Leilani is “young, black, and famous with money hangin’ out the anus.”
V Magazine just put out a set of steamy pictures featuring Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender getting into some heavy petting, so if you’re the kind of person who likes to save sexy images for later, we suggest you file this one under “Oh Hell Yes.” Look at their limbs, look at their leather, look at their muscles straining as they try to resist each other’s animal magnetism!
There are certain occasions when the luxurious throes of foreplay can morph into the main event. Getting handsy with each other, indulging in some frottage and heavy petting is ever more sensual because it’s not underlain by that crazy biological compulsion to procreate. The only edict behind it is the libidinous urge to come your brains out.
Just a few days ago, I wrote about my vision of a first date with H, a “distant buddy” of recent vintage. She has a slightly different vision. But seems to me as if either way, I win.
Treats! knows how to pluck at our heartstrings; we’re not the least bit surprised when they put out a gallery or a video that makes us pine for babes so hard that we turn into Christmas trees. In the grand scheme of things, the sight of a trio of beautiful women sunbathing topless in a field only drives a few lusty knives into our collective gut, but when this video is over, the pangs remain. Why do you do this to us, Treats! Magazine?
Library Vixen is one of the first writers we ever featured in our True Sex Stories and her work has always had a profound effect on us (especially our heart rates), so when she turns the spotlight on some of her favorite photographers and artists, you better believe that we’re going to check them out. Behold: Library Vixen’s Featured Artists!
We’re sure by all accounts, prison is a scary place. There’s the isolation, uncertainty about the future, the possibility of bunking up with a scary hardened criminal… But in fantasy lesbian prison, your domineering roommie brandishes a smuggled strap-on and (figuratively) takes you away.
Demi Lovato’s fans are divided over how they feel about what she wore to the Teen Choice Awards (because if there’s one thing we Fleshbot people know, it’s what people think of Demi Lovato): many say this outfit makes no sense, others think it’s fresh and exciting, and some wonder when the rest of society will start dressing like his. We prefer not to make value judgments, and instead, will merely point out that you can totes see Demi’s areola.
Veronica Adkinson might seem a bit cold and callous in “Creep Van,” but when we look at her, we see our dream girl. Who else shares our love of BDSM and wants to mix pussy eating with pizza ordering (and coupon utilizing)? What other woman can make a ratty old couch come alive with her stiff corset and a firm backhand?