Protective eyewear is encouraged for babes (and massive dildos) this smokin’ hot.

That… seems to make sense to us. We can’t say we’re the most informed when it comes to local football, but the custom in this particular town seems to be making sore losers forget all about the game with a little dual cunnilingus/BJ action.

Sometimes there’s nothing better in the world than a handjob, lying back while your partner touches you with a hard grip or a smooth stroke, focusing all your thoughts on their fingertips. It’s nice for the giver, too; we spend every single day manipulating the world with our hands, yet there are so few times when we can use these complicated appendages to directly give pleasure to another.

Watch 4 Beauty

It’s true: As we watch Czech beauty Victoria Sweet simulate masturbation in a ridiculous leopard-print outfit on a municipal bike path, our prevailing thought is: Let’s come inside that.

You know how Richard Kern lives his life: he lands somewhere, figures out what language the locals use, starts asking to see titties, and ends up with a bunch of hot young women on his camera. This time, Richard has some difficulty getting Danish agencies to offer nude models, so he gets Vice employees and their girlfriends to pose naked. Resourceful!

This babe is so good, she doesn’t even need a dude around — well, except to provide a cock to suck. But she can put on quite a show by double-fingering herself with ease, before treating a cock to a mighty fine combination blow-handy.

If you ask us to convert from Celsius to Fahrenheit or vice-versa, we will most likely stare at your blankly while we try to remember what to do with five-eighths. If you ask us to convert either of those measurements to the Nadya Shaye system, well, that’s way easier. Today, in New York, it’s a lovely “Nadya’s boobs with a light bit of sweat glistening on her chest” degrees outside.

When we got a CD full of stills from Bobbi Starr’s latest movie, we said to ourselves, “Oh wow, ‘Spit’ looks like it’s going to be great! We enjoy some saliva now and then, let’s take a look.” No joke, some of these photos made us gag. We consider that a good thing.

We were hanging around and looking at pictures of Katy Perry’s cleavage, like we do, and we noticed a little something sticking out from her grand canyon. What is that? Is it a receipt, a flower, the edge of her fancy bra, a note from an admirer, her napkin from dinner, or something we can’t comprehend?

When a shipyard boss gets into serious trouble with his bank, he has to fight to save the business he’s spent his life building. But hey, what’s the harm in taking in a little burlesque show, or having some sex, or seeing a busty lady in the nude? He’ll save the business eventually, he’s fine, everything is cool.

You all know how I like to play sexual risk sometimes– playing in public, stalker role play, blow jobs in cars, on trains, in alleys, camping…

Rather than throw a bunch of naughty flicks–also known as Nautflix–in your general direction and asking you to choose, we thought it’d be fun to design a cozy program of movie viewing for you and a loved one (and yes, your hand is a loved one). Tonight’s menu involves two exciting and unusual films that both happen to involve pornstars!

Jennifer Lawrence, we think you’re the Queen of Celebrity Babes right now, and the world pretty much agrees with us. If we could, we’d arrange to have rose petals thrown at your feet wherever you walk, but we don’t have the money for that, so we’ll have to settle for drooling on ourselves when you bend over and we can see your thong. It seems radically different, but we assure you that the emotions involved are the same.

Although we’re pretty sure Lily could bag basically any beau she set her sights on, she’s a lady of simple pleasures: she wants someone who’s always there for her, who doesn’t have an attitude, and who makes her come on demand. It doesn’t seem like too much to ask…

You might think this is cute now–what with Micaela Schaefer walking around Berlin topless, toting a pink laptop like the college hottie of your dreams, hanging out of helicopters and making it look oddly sexy–but soon you’ll be surrounded by calendars and we’ll be asking you to put up babes on every last square inch of wall space you own. So let’s enjoy Micaela’s body while it’s the only one in the 2013 calendar game.

Biting during sex is awesome. Sure, not everybody likes it, but when you’re in a tooth-friendly relationship, and you get to chomping each other in the right spots, you remember why God decided to fill your soft mouth with a bunch of flat rocks. Then again, if you’re the kind of person–or demon–who needs to bite, then biting becomes problematic. Wear a mouth guard.