Ogle, fap, repeat. Celebrating this most hallowed day is made easy with a bumper crop of babes. So let’s get this cycle started!

Whether it’s the front desk calling to say your parents are here or room service saying they can’t get in, you must maintain the fucking. You’re compelled to. It’s the most important part of a hotel stay. All other things can wait.

We don’t need to remind you how much we love frottage, but we do need you help figuring out what to call this particular example of it. Saddling the mountain? It evokes some nice cowgirl imagery without explicitly saying so, but it’s missing something–something to describe the wetness required for success. What do you think?

Reality Kings

“Love, Marriage, & Other Bad Ideas” is another triumph in the further redemption of the couples’ movie. Maybe we know how it will end, but the journey is well worth it.

Well, American Penthouse, anyway–those who are as obsessive as we are will doubtless remember her stint as an Australian Penthouse Pet way back in the day. But now she’s in a “Mad Men”-inspired photo spread (shot by none less than Steve Prue) in Penthouse proper (the June issue, if you were wondering). Clearly, the next stop on the Stoya World Tour is world domination.

Some folk say that people look best when photographed from above and that no one should ever be shot from below, but clearly these people have never stood (or kneeled) beneath well-styled pornstars in order to admire their curves and pubes from a fresh angle. We guess there’s always the risk of bringing out a subject’s double chin, but fuck it, chins are curves, too!

…and then that’s when the fun really begins. We’re not even going to begin to try to explain this delightful short film (starring the even more delightful Penny Pax, but we will say that it’s not for the faint of heart (and probably shouldn’t be watched while you’re eating).

Who says chicks can’t be handy around the house? There are plenty who can wield a power drill better than their male counterparts, and there are some who can wield their hands and mouths to produce a forceful facial that’s way more fun than hanging up curtains.

Everyone knows that a vagina a day keeps the devil at bay, but what happens when you spend all day eating, kissing, licking, fingering, and fucking pussy? That probably gets rid of every trace of demonic power, right? Well, we can’t find a single sin in these hot pictures of saint-on-saint action, unless you consider having a wicker chair in your bathroom a sin (which we do because wicker furniture is wak).

As we know, pussies come in an infinite variety of contours and shapes — and they’re beautiful, every one. The delicate line drawings of Quim (that’s cheeky British slang for vag!) Portraits capture their intricacies in a straightforward — and really, really cute — form.

Everything we thought we knew and loved has just changed forever. We thought we loved watching Kate Upton dance, we thought we loved the way Camille Rowe writhes naked on the floor, but then Belladonna showed up, writhed, arched, danced, and masturbated tenderly for Terry Richardson’s camera and now nothing is the same. For example, we had to change our undies.

Dear Mr. X,

So you are getting pretty smart! You understand now that one Mr. X is not enough for Mona. No I need lots of Mr.X’s, maybe even one for every night of the week, all these mystery men wanting me and telling me filthy things to do.

Way to be tardy to the party, titties. We haven’t seen these lovely mounds of flesh in over a year, and to have them show up for just a brief moment as the second season ends is, honestly, an insult to all that Esme Bianco has done for us. That’s why we’ve been watching this clip on a loop for the past half-hour.

You know what? We wish Sharon’s effort to hide her braless breasts behind a thin and noisily patterned shirt had worked. Obviously, we enjoy getting to see this talented actor’s nipples, but we just think the camouflage angle is brilliant. What kind of pattern would it take to hide her nipples? Would she have to wear a shirt that was covered in nipples?

Petty criminals may traditionally want to stay two steps ahead of Johnny Law, but when the officer in question is a bonafide bluecoat babe, things may follow a different trajectory. If you can smooth talk the lady out of giving you a ticket (and out of her uniform), well, we think that’s within your rights. Why doesn’t this ever happen on COPS?

Sometimes we play a little game with Miranda in which she teases us with a series of sensual yet technically SFW pictures and then it’s our job to find the shots in which we can see her nipples. She’s generally happy to let people see her body, but she knows that what we really enjoy is a good hunt. Isn’t Miranda a great sport?

Long story short, Ben finally found out about all the sex that Lily has been having with Stevie. More precisely, Ben found out that Lily had been cheating on him, and as he’s about to kill her, she lets loose with all of the nasty things she and Stevie had done together. This somehow turns Ben on and they have screw by the pool. Also: Dominik Garcia-Loredo has shower sex!