Even though the ever-vigilant Porno-Industrial Complex suggests that (it) is “Too Big for Teens,” these plucky youngsters prove both resilient and accommodating.

It is whispered by Licensed Clinical Sexologists that the vagina can take penises of any size with the right amount of lubrication, but I have seen some things, Readers, that has caused me to doubt even those with such august degrees from accredited institutions.

So are we to assume that “Too Big for Teens” is going to feature Sensi Pearl, April O’Neil, Stevie Shae, Jessie Rogers, and Mae Meyers taking a gander at a cock and simply saying “I give up”?

No, nor can we assume that this movie was shot when 80 percent of this cast were actually teens.

Maybe the film should have been called “Were Most of the Cast Actually Teens, Perhaps the Cocks Would Have Been Too Big for Them, But It’s OK Now.”

Despite these attacks on our highly-calibrated sense of truth in advertising, I liked this movie because each of the teens was a predator. Sensi Pearl gets Alec Knight fired by her dad for fucking on his work desk (“I love big dicks,” says Pearl halfway through; does this seem “Too Big for Teens”?), then Less-Attitudinal-Elizabeth-Berkeley-lookalike Jessie Rogers fucks her brother’s boxing coach, Tommy Gunn, who piledrives her mercilessly.

Hardly too big for teens, there, either.

I only became concerned when wildling teen Stevie Shae went out looking for trouble on “the east side of the city” and met up with German Chris Charming in a bandanna.

“You are not some tourist, are you?” says Charming.

This was my favorite scene for several reasons. One because Shae has an adorable getting-ready-for-adventure dressing sequence, and two because I can’t imagine what city Chris Charming might be a thug in. Perhaps if Werner Herzog had replaced Ice Cube in “Colors.”

But the best throwaway line goes to April O’Neil, who spies garbageman Lee Stone through her window and decides to fuck him.

“I love these blue-collar jerks,” she says. “They seem so hot and tired.”

· Reality Junkies (realityjunkies.com)
· Buy “Too Big for Teens 9″ (tlavideo.com)

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In navigating the waters of modern day dating, many of us have turned to web savvy dater’s delight, OKCupid, for kicks, giggles, and the occasional serious relationship. A first exchange of messages usually serves as a gateway to getting to know someone — or an opportunity to pen your best smut. Though we’ve seen some sweet missives, we opt to share the latter.

This message comes to us by way of an anonymous tipster, who received this salacious story from a prospective dude date. His erotic fiction is not half bad!

so today was kind of a slow day at work…and since you’ve proven to be quite the muse (even though we’ve never met), I thought I’d write you a story:
…it’s that unsure period between consciousness and dreaming, you press your naked backside to my front side. warm flesh nestled so perfectly together, i can hear your heavy breathing and yet my cock is slowly waking..your hand reaches back splitting us apart as you gently grab my swelling cock…your ass presses against me, rubbing, grinding, the rhythm arouses me to full consciousness
my hand drapes over your breasts seeking out your nipples with my expert fingertips…your eyes close as I pinch and tug…your lips part with a long sigh, it’s the one thing you ache for, the intoxicating mixture of pleasure and pain pain I give you like a spoiled child, though at times the pain feels unbearable, you hiss and jerk your head grabbing the headboard, whimpering and begging for more
slowly my hand snakes its way to your hipbone and the flesh of your pussy, massaging you gently…you’re so consumed with the thought of my fingers pushing inside you
I tease you relentlessly and want you to beg, so you whimper and grab my arm leading to your lust…a finger slides slowly into your wetness and pulls back to your hard clit and I rub until you begin panting and coming
“yesss” drips from my lips when you come hard
“fuck me…”
“fuck me,” you plea
my body shifts upward, parts your legs and my cock gently begins to tease you ever so slightly…when I thrust inside you, you shudder at the relief of finally having your pussy properly filled, on my knees I drive into you and hold my place as your legs wrap around me to buck against my throbbing dick…I hit your insides just right, you flood my cock with your juices as they run onto me and soak the sheets beneath us
this all stops when when my seed spills deep inside you and you milk my cock, watching me jerk and moan as your siphon off every last drop

[Have an OKCupid exchange you'd like to see us feature? Email us! Photo via Fox HQ (foxhq.com) ]

Long time, no see! And thanks to a translucent bikini top, we can all meet again in a happy reunion. We’re picking up right where we left off, and they look just as puffy and beautiful as ever.

You guys really should come around more, we get along so well. Remember that time we hung out in a field? Or when we played around with bondage? So many good times together; here’s to many more!

· Via In The Raw (itr2010.org)

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She desperately wants to put her pussy on you as well, but this girl is a dedicated giver, and she won’t stop jerking, sucking, and slurping until you get in harmony with her sweet mouth music. And by “get in harmony” we mean “come.”

You have to admire Ashlynn for the fanaticism she brings to the scene, and the way she faceplants on the stunt cock without hesitation or concern for the flight path of her spit. At some point we found ourselves wondering, “Are some of those slurping sounds fake? Did someone dub this with extra sucking noises?” Upon further research, we find that all of those sounds are genuine. Can you imagine what kind of beatboxing Ashlynn is capable of?

· Buy/watch Let Me Suck You 3 (theater.aebn.net)
· Via AEBN Porn Pay Per View Network and Adult Video On Demand (theater.aebn.net)

We support all your wardrobe choices in this ensemble — seethrough top, skin-tight jeans (jeggings?), and a demure blazer to top things off. But with the conservatism of the jacket, why, oh why did you have to wear a bra? It’s fashionable to pair contrasting pieces together, you know.

So here we are, faced with basically the whole outline of your smokin’ hot bod, but are left to our own devices to fill in the blanks. And, yes, it’s worth it to us to conjure an image of you in seethrough top, seethrough bra, and seethrough jeggings too, but next time could you take it easy on us? It’s Saturday morning, we had a long night last night, and imaginary nipples just aren’t as much fun. Can you do us this favor, Charlize?

· Via Taxi Driver Movie (taxidrivermovie.com)