When you feel like having a giggle as you get off, you can always turn to parody porn. It’s kind of miraculous when you think about it: both your sense of humor and your sexuality are extremely unique and private parts of your personality, and yet there’s a whole genre of film dedicated to stimulating both at once! How could this be?
Go camping, perform a Wiccan ritual, suck, fuck and cum, set up a crystal meth lab… The possibilities are endless! But, being the harlots we are, we’ll have to go the fuck route. We can’t vouch for our skills in those other areas, but when it comes to a little cocksucking, some from-behind boning, and taking juicy facials, we’ve got our merit badges in order.
We see them there, those beautiful, bountiful breasts precariously perched atop a pair of hands. Will they fall down to earth? Of course they will–gravity dictates they must–but the anticipation just makes it that much more pleasurable when they do.
Think of all the porn you’ve watched. Now go throw up. Now, think of all the porn you’ve watched in which the pop shot is ultimately delivered with the assistance of the man’s own hand. Rocco Siffredi’s “You Get Me Off” is a tribute to the women who earn their money the hard way.
Years ago, we made the discovery that the interior of Jessica Alba’s blouse contained, not dragons or treasure or any sort of magical forest, but the even more wondrous creation known as boobs. Today, we’ve finally gotten a chance to follow up and see if anything’s changed.
Whenever we look back on the naked pictures that Terry Richardson takes of Camille Rowe–which are numerous–we’re always struck by how much they can do with such simple scenes. But now, instead of the usual white wall and plain lighting, we’ve got dynamic shadows and the floor. What’s the deal, Camille? Why you trying to overstimulate us?
The fabled land of facials is a glorious endpoint in and of itself, but why not take the scenic route there? Especially when that involves a horny blonde babe in a tiny schoolgirl skirt who like to take it hard from behind…
Youths! Lousy collagen-having, hormone-dripping, not-remembering-the-good-old-days youths! How dare they parade around in their respective birthday suits, touching each other in their no-no zones, and then passing around these images via DVD! We’re just grateful they’re not selling BluRays. You know the old saying: first come the BluRays, then comes dancing.
Dylan Ryder announced that she’s retiring from the porn and pursuing work outside the industry. She isn’t exactly severing all ties with the adult world; Dylan will release never before seen footage and glamour shots on her personal website, continue her work as a Fleshlight Girl, and she’s going to appear in a few lad mags in the coming months. We know she’ll still be a part of our lives, but we’re nonetheless saddened by her departure.
Emily Ratajkowski knows how to smolder in front of the camera, and Jonathan Leder always points his camera at the crossroads where dark meets sexy, so we honestly don’t know who to credit for these ridiculously hot pictures. We figure one of them will end up consuming the other (sexually, spiritually, or physically) so we just have to wait and see who survives.
I’ve had a weekend of cock fever.
Saturday I went for a brief few hours to the Masturbate-A-Thon (strictly as a representative of the CSC). While masturbation is certainly a pleasure I partake in often– masturbating in front of a group of people is not something I would say I am into. For an hour or so, I stood on the outs, looking in– a giant room of men, there was a serious lack of women– or they were just all in the Women’s only area– but when a friend of mine arrived I joined him in the main room.
After that solar eclipse that happened a couple weeks ago, Natasha Poly started wondering if she could block out the sun by herself. She isn’t large enough (nor is she wearing enough opaque clothing) to prevent light from reaching Earth, but when her tits come out, nobody pays attention to the sun. Congratulations, Natasha?
Naked bodies and orgasm faces have been used to sell scents for ages, so this isn’t exactly anything new, but we know Rihanna wouldn’t just endorse any old fragrance with her sexuality. This must be a special smell, loaded with pheromones, capable of jumping off the wrists and neck of the wearer and making any passerby paralyzed with lust. Sounds like it could be a Tom Ford scent. Oh my God, can you imagine how cool it’d be if Rihanna and Tom Ford were BFFLs?
And even though this dick belongs to Bailey Blue, these (peculiarly accented) Southern gals are gentleladies whose mommies taught them to share. So Jayden Lee can politely take the shaft while Ms. Blue gets the balls, and this dude is sent into threeway BJ heaven.
Over the past day or so, we’ve been hearing a lot about this whole “With Mitt” app. First there was, you know, the fact that it existed; then the fact that the team behind it had misspelled the word “America;” and ultimately a series of funny pictures overlaid with the various “With Mitt” filters. But you know what we haven’t seen (yet)? A bunch of naked pictures taken with the “With Mitt” app. Obviously, this is something we must make happen.
You know how those Bushwick parties go: you show up, everybody’s looking flossy, you mistake a crack pipe for pot, someone takes their top off, the topless person has really nice boobs, you can’t handle any of it, and so you leave. That’s how our last foray* into Bushwick went, and it lasted all of ten minutes.