Watching all that sexy interracial lesbian action in “Wrong Turn 4″ got us thinking about how much we love straight-to-DVD movies. They never get the attention that big theater releases do, but today we’re taking a moment to praise these under-loved films and all the unabashed softcore smut they provide us with.
The best thing about these straight-to-DVD titles is that they’re cheaply available on Amazon! With that in mind, we strongly encourage you purchase the actual movies; if you won’t buy it for yourself, then buy it because these movies no longer have Blockbuster bargain bins to take them in. Can you imagine these poor softcore DVDs sitting in some box in the rain? It’s a sad image.
Anyway, let’s kick off this lovely little list by taking a step back from “Wrong Turn 4″ and giving pervy props to Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead! As with the other “Wrong Turn” movies, this film focuses on a group of attractive teenagers who accidentally stumble into cannibal territory. We know this clip is gory and absurd, but we think it sums up almost everything we love about straight-to-DVD nudity. There’s gratuitous pot smoking, random boobage, ample commentary on said boobage, the promise of something sexy happening, and then a horrible blood-drenched nightmare begins. What more could you ask for?
· Buy “Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead” (amazon.com)
The Devil Within
We don’t want to give you the idea that these films offer nothing but cheap thrills; some of them are actually intelligent pieces of art, and have relevance in the larger scope of cinematic history! Case in point: “The Devil Within” pays homage to Phoebe Cates’s legendary pool scene from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” You’ll notice that they forgot the part with the kissing and the masturbation, but they did add cellphones, which is much more relatable for today’s viewers. This whole thing is clearly a commentary on how technology has ruined our imaginations and reduced real, valuable, wet interactions with topless people.
· Buy “The Devil Within” (amazon.com)
Humanoids from the Deep
Now, “Humanoids of the Deep” isn’t technically a straight-to-DVD film, but we feel it qualifies. For one, it was a small B-movie released in 1980 that only saw commercial success because teenage boys told each other it had boobs in it. Second, Showtime tried to make a TV-movie out of it, and TV-movies might as well be straight-to-DVD movies. Plus, the Showtime version toned down the nudity!
And really, this clip is too good to ignore. A tent in the wilderness is the ultimate beacon of calamity, and though we thought of posting this clip of an awkward lesbian tent encounter, we had to go with “Humanoids of the Deep” because of the humanoids. Oh, and because of the horrifying puppet that makes us wish for the sane, sensible, murderous aims of the humanoids.
· Buy “Humanoids From The Deep” (amazon.com)
Straight-to-DVD movies are great for fledgling actors who want real movie-making experience, and these days, there are a lot of pornstars who are learning to stretch their mainstream wings. Tori Black might not like “Half Moon” (in fact, she straight up refused to promote it or support it in any form), but at least she’s getting her name out there as the leading lady of a softcore thriller. And we get to enjoy one of our favorite pornstars in a different genre!
· Buy (or don’t buy because Tori Black doesn’t dig it) “Half Moon” (amazon.com)
Sometimes big, important celebrities show up in these movies and everyone wonders, “Why did this happen? I like ____ and thought s/he was doing high-profile movies!” In this case, it was Jessica Biel who landed in a straight-to-DVD film. It wasn’t that she was aiming for a smaller project, it’s just what happens in Hollywood sometimes! Film studios occasionally decide not to give well-funded movies a chance in box offices—for reasons ranging from poor planning to negative feedback—and that’s pretty much what happened with “Powder Blue.” It had limited theatrical release in the USA, experienced poor ticket sales and cruel reviews, and was quickly turned into a boatload of DVDs. Jessica Biel blames the internet for the movie’s quick DVD release, saying that the leaked stills and clips of her topless scene allowed everyone to gawk, dissect her performance, and move on before the film officially came out.
Maybe this is just our view, but we feel that when you watch this clip (or any of Biel’s stripping scenes) you’ll notice that there is something inherently straight-to-DVD-ish about the movie. Maybe it’s the melodrama, maybe it’s the way she pours hot wax on her body, but whatever it is, it feels right.
· Buy “Powder Blue” (amazon.com)