We knew it was only a matter of time before someone with more ambition—and more knowledge of Hungarian—would dig up more information on the policewoman-pornstar Livia Kovacs. OK, so it’s pretty much just blurry screen caps and more indecipherable letters, but at least we know we didn’t just dream the whole thing. (borsonline.hu, via pestiside.hu + adultfyi.com)

38-year-old Catherine Zeta-Jones has announced that she’s too old for sex scenes, and is going to stick to mom roles from now on. We don’t see why she can’t do both, though the MILF porn market may not be what she has in mind as far as her next career move is concerned. (stuff.co.nz)

“We were somebody else’s guest,” Evanka Buttafuoco said of the illicit documentation of her cavorting with her husband, Joey. “We’re a little freakier when we’re at home.”

While the story behind the release of the second sex tape in three months from two thirds of the players in 1992′s “Long Island Lolita” scandal is hard to believe, history (at least theirs) teaches that truth is often stranger than fiction.

. . .

“Joey Buttafuoco Caught on Tape”

Studio: Red Light District

Director: Joey Buttafuoco and Evanka Buttafuoco

Cast: Joey Buttafuoco and Evanka Buttafuoco

Review by Gram Ponante

A room, a bed, the sounds of sirens and a barking dog. Maybe “Joey Buttafuoco Caught On Tape” was staged, but at least it draws you in to the point that you want to kill the goddamn dog, too.

The marketing for this movie, following by three months the release of “Amy Fisher Caught on Tape” goes something like “What happens when Joey Buttafuoco and his wife steal away from a party at a friend’s house to catch a raw and steamy hour alone?”

This setup is a distraction, and indeed the first few minutes of the movie are littered with references to not opening the door, “Isn’t this better than a barbecue?”, and other needless establishing dialogue that convinces viewers that no one was “caught” doing anything, that instead this was a calculated move.

“I didn’t know the room had cameras in it,” Evanka Buttafuoco told me. “I just chose a room.”

“So I’m innocent,” Joey Buttafuoco said.

The story is that the pair were attending a party at the home of porn producer Rob Spallone. Spallone was shooting a movie at his party downstairs, and the Buttafuocos slipped away.

So what about releases?

“We signed releases just to be there,” Evanka said. “Then they used them as consent when Rob discovered the footage.”

Let’s just say unlikelier things have happened.

But this should not capsize your interest in what becomes, like its predecessor, a document of older married people behaving like porn stars for the camera, not nailing the letter, but more than compensating in the spirit.

To fill out the hour, the toned and amicable Evanka puts in a lot of time in bra, panties, high heels, and jewelry blowing her husband. This outfit eventually comes off (as does her husband), but it is she who is running the show for most of the movie, providing quotable qupis like, “Joseph, I’m a biter.”

Joey, in fact, looks like the least practiced of the two, at least in terms of standard porn techniques. At one early point, it looks as if Joey has come in her mouth – he heaves, he groans, his head tuns to the side. Did he just fake an orgasm? Maybe he had a stroke? In any case, Evanka keeps going.

The first image in the movie, taken from the foot of the bed, is of Joey’s face obscured by a book. He seems reluctant. Evanka walks in and immediately takes charge. Mr. Buttafuoco seems grateful.

And grateful is a word that can be applied to both Buttafuoco and Lou Bellera. Both are in their 50s and paired with women who look significantly younger (although the Bellera/Fisher age difference is greater). But though the Amy Fisher tape is technically superior — actually, a 7-11 security camera would be technically superior — to the Joey and Evanka tape, the latter has more instances of the words “I love you.” When do you hear that in a porn movie? Not enough outside of a porn movie, either.

As staged as it was, the “I love you”s were real, and “Joey Buttafuoco Caught on Tape” was better than a barbecue. (Not to mention better than watching Gene Simmons).

· Red Light District (rlddistribution.com)

· Buy “Joey Buttafuoco Caught on Tape” (gamelink.com)

Maybe it’s the dust that the sandman left in our eyes, or something we drank last night — but our vision must be a little wonky this morning, because we were halfway through this gallery of photographs of naked babes in the tub before we realized that that they aren’t actually photographs at all, but paintings of naked babes in the tub. Yes, Cynthia Westwood’s art style is so realistic that you could be forgiven for getting confused or even for fantasizing that these are real flesh and blood women who you just happened to find in your bathroom. You can see for yourself online, in her book, or in a gallery in Switzerland (until April 7, anyway), but try to remember that you should not attempt to feel up any of the actual images. We already learned that lesson the hard way.

· Cynthia Westwood (cynthiawestwood.com, via japaneseforms.blogspot.com)

If you still can’t decide between Hillary and Obama, you might want to consider the fact that the good senator for Illinois refused to support a bill that would prohibit sex toy shops from opening up near schools (and, we assume, Gymborees). Barack Obama: friend to sex shops everywhere! (campainspot.nationalrevew.com)

We just entered March, but Zoo Weekly is ready to call the race for Britain’s best behinds of 2008. Strangely enough, these girls also have some of the best fronts, but we suppose that’s just a “coincidence.” (ukceleb.net)

The problem I have with Red Light District’s “110% Natural” series is that, according to Xenu, nature ends at 100 percent. After that is an abomination. The idea, of course, is that the parts on display are not only unaugmented but ten percent largers than most, but Fleshbot readers are purists.

In Leigh Livingston’s case I would risk a little abomination. Wouldn’t you?

· Red Light District (clubredlight.com)

· Buy “110% Natural #15″ (gamelink.com)

. . .

See also:

Click to view

· Leigh Livingston By The Pool (video.yahoo.com)

· Leigh Livingston 34C (gallery @ nsgalleries.com, via Ask Jolene)

Ladies, how many times has this happened to you? You’re primed and ready to hump and your cold fish of a boyfriend/husband/escort just isn’t in the mood for it. If you had a nickel, right? Men are notorious for disregarding their bedroom duties for things like bass fishing, car tuning, and the worst excuse of all … sleep. (Or the second worst: cuddling with their stuffed bunny.) On the other hand, maybe if women would just stop being so aggressive with their sexual come-ons and learn to communicate a little better, then maybe men would be more receptive to their partner’s physical needs. Don’t you gals ever want to just talk?

. . .

· “Babe in Lingerie seduces sleeping Man” (YouPorn)

* * * * *

Previously: Flesh Flicks Archives

The good news: Sex toy behemoth Babeland is opening a new retail location in Park Slope, Brooklyn. The bad news: It’s on the same block as a Gymboree, which has a few Park Slope parents in an uproar. Guess those hip mamas aren’t so hip after all. (nypost.com; thumbnail via the oldie-but-goodie “Sex Toy Or Baby Toy?”)

The award winning and diminutive Jenna Haze can now officially claim to have gone over and beyond whatever duty we expect from our porn idols: she has recently added accomodating the formidable Lexington Steele in her most intimate of orifices to her already daunting list of credits. (Consider for a moment the fact that the part of Lex she’s accomodating is almost one fifth of her entire height and you’ll begin to appreciate her accomplishment more fully.)

This week Jules Jordan Video is releasing “Lex The Impaler 3: Back In Black” (which, despite its title, is not yet another example of vampire porn) in a two disk special edition. In addition to Haze, it also features Brianna Love, Shyla Stylez and Naudia Styles delivering sphincter-stretching feats of anal decadence; Alexis Amore and Gina Lynn round out the all star cast with vajayjay-only performances.

It’s hard not to get excited about a project of this magnitude by its description alone … but we figured we’d provide you with a preview gallery just in case. After all: seeing is believing.

· Jules Jordan Video (julesjordanvideo.com)
Order: “Lex The Impaler 3″ (Adult DVD Empire)

If you are looking for the elusive missing link between porn and mainstream entertainment, the editor is the closest you’ll get. Whichever side of the Hollywood sign he’s on, when he surfaces after cutting up your movie, he usually hates it, and you. Brian Shackleford’s mostly-Flash animated “Porn Editor,” airing weekly on HBO, deals bluntly with the sadness of large breast desensitization, celebrity porn slumming, and mismanaged Avid expectations. (Ed. note: We know the feeling.)

. . .

· “Porn Editor” (youtube.com)

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Today’s most discussed stories are

10 Percent More Leigh Livingston (2 comments), April Flores Hits Us With A “Kiss Attack” (2) and FCC Official Signs Off On Artistic Alyson Hannigan Nudity (1).

Today’s baseball spring training update: A scout for the Boston Red Sox was arrested in Florida for “committing a lewd act in a hotel room that overlooked the pool.” Your move, Derek Jeter! (abc2news.com)

We’re so disappointed that we discovered the creepy stalker “admiring women at a respectful distance”-themed blog Sleeping Cuties just in time for its final post ever. At least we can check out the archives … right after we take a nap. (sleepingcuties.blogspot.com)

Any death is sad, particularly when the person who died was described in nearly all of his obituaries as the “porn king of Soho.” But it wasn’t until we starting reading deeper into those obituaries that we realized just how much Parl Raymond had impacted our own lives. The owner of London’s raciest nightclubs and publisher of eight of the UK’s top ten adult magazines, Raymond revolutionized smut in Britain, doing it dirtier than Hugh Hefner ever dreamed and in an arguably much tougher legal enviornment — and earning a personal worth of an estimated $1 billion in the process. (He also founded the magazine Club, which was pretty much the nastiest thing we’d ever seen when our innocent young eyes first caught a glimpse of it all those many years ago). Sleazy and shady in the best possible ways, we’re really going to miss the guy … and we didn’t even know it.

· Paul Raymond: The Times Obituary (timesonline.co.uk)
· Paul Raymond (publisher) (Wikipedia)
· Club Online (clubonline.com)

We complain a lot about the excessive penalties that the Federal Communications Commission uses to regulate our airwaves in the name of “public decency,” but perhaps the real problem is that most Americans don’t even understand how obscenity laws work or what precisely has to happen for a TV network to earn a violation. Thankfully, the Onion News Network sat down with a high-ranking FCC official who helpfully clarifies the matter and offers guidance on how to toe the line between art and filth. Apparently, the line starts somewhere below the blouse of adorable pixie Alyson Hannigan. Who knew?

· FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It’s Alyson Hannigan (theonion.com)