Unless today is your first visit to Fleshbotland (if so, where have you been?), then you’re aware of the colorfully endowed presence of Michelle Aston. Even if you haven’t been around much, there’s a still a good chance she’s been all up in your face—and maybe a few other places—with her growing library of porny endeavors. (Not to mention her insane, nearly full-body tattoo that according to NASA is visible from the International Space Station.) Now is the time for newcomers to get on board with the launch of her new more colorful web presence. (Note the extra hyphen.) We really can’t get enough of our altporn princesses around here, so it seems only proper to inform you of this address change so that one gets lost on their hunt for quality naughty photos. We just hope you can find your way back.

· Michelle Aston (michelle-aston.com)

Previously: RazorDolls Sharpens Up Its Act, Quickies: Michelle Aston, Fleshbot’s Top Ten Crush Objects Of 2006, Meet Michelle Aston

· This is either Petra Nemcova topless on a runway or someone doesn’t know how to handle their crayons. Actually, it might be both. (drunkenstepfather.com)

· Porn-for-Father’s-Day.com sounds like an awesome place to get gift ideas, but it’s really just a scam put on by the ironically-named, anti-porn XXX Church. Those guys are more sinister than that Nigerian king who was going to give me all his money. (kentucky.com)

· A naked couple gets cited for “embracing” while driving. So is that what the kids are calling blowjobs these days? (thenewstribune.com)

· A woman is Seattle is running for city council so she can put a stop to nude statues. Crime, taxes and all that boring stuff will have to wait. (seattleweekly.com)

· News flash: Women like to watch porn too. It’s like we’re having déjà vu or something. (metro.co.uk)

· The Canadian town of Delta wants to ban all adult entertainment. The citizens are still allowed to think about sex, right? (xbiz.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Who knows how much money Gawker Media lost when it chose “Pure Filth” for its nipple-abrading t-shirts over “Lick it – don’t dick it”? It’s important not to wallow in despair over lost opportunities, though, and instead revel in the Ladies Only escapades contained herein, in which ten girls, including Mone Divine and Tommie Ryden (pictured), and love interest Lorena Sanchez do wonderful, horrible things to one another.

In the same way one can be unkempt but never “kempt,” we are made aware that while some of us can dick around or dicker over something, we never, ever say “I’d like to dick that.” Let’s start now. - GP

· The Candy Shop (rlddistribution.com)
· Buy “Lick It Don’t Dick It” (excaliburfilms.com)
· Buy a Fleshbot T-Shirt too! Mmmmm … cottony!

Previously: Porn of the Moment Archive

“Cousin Stevie’s Pussy Party” turned 21 with its latest installment, though we’re pretty sure some of the cast is not yet of drinking age. Here the girls get into what 12-step programs call an Ass Eating Spiral, though Sunny Lane can’t be working her program if she’s looking at us.

Join us after the gap for more pictures of your favorite porn stars not as the world sees them but as they actually are. - GP

***

We don’t get out to Allentown much (we heard they’re closing all the factories down), but Jesse Jane does, probably in advance of her bid for the 2016 Republican nomination (she will be over 35 by then). Here Jane poses with some likely voters.

Power trio: Porn industry legends William Margold and Jennifer James pose for Luke Ford’s camera. James is clutching the cover art for his film “Exxxtra! Exxxtra!” in a parking lot in Inglewood. Jeff Steward, distributor of “Donkey Punch“, says, “I thought I would never say this, but I think it’s best for all if the feds shut us down, put us in jail, and throw away the keys because these pictures prove that porn is dead.”

Speaking of dead, Kirsten Price and “Porn Valley“‘s Barrett Blade search for ghosts in the purportedly haunted Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip.

Emily Evermore, on the set of Roy Karch’s soon-to-be-released “Insertz”, proving incapable of resisting temptation.

Previously: Popshots Archive

· When Cameron Diaz goes surfing, she goes surfing in a bikini. It’s starting again already! (egotastic.com)

· Welcome to Gatwick Airport. Do you have any strippers you would like to declare? (timesonline.co.uk)

· Is Flickr (ie. Yahoo) blocking content for users in Germany and Southeast Asia? Does a bear … you know? (Boing Boing)

· An alleged “spam king” will remain in jail after being denied bail, which is too bad because he could have easily earned that money in just a few hours a day while working from home! (chron.com)

· A couple in Punta Gorda, Florida, joined the Several Stories High Club, but got caught while having sex high above the city. Did we mention they were on a crane? (sun-herald.com)

· A Minnesota county gets serious about strip clubs by thinking about preparing an interim ordinance that will then maybe allow for them to consider possibly adopting new regulations after giving the issue some serious study. Government in action, folks. (avn.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

When we finally do our porn version of “Logan’s Run” (Because Jenny Agutter Never Stays Naked Long Enough^TM), we want Jayden James to coordinate the costumes. James was interviewed by Tina Tyler on the former’s third day in the adult business.

“How are you doing?” Tyler begins.

“I’m fine, and yourself?” replies James.

“Let’s start with a – Oh, I’m fine, thank you,” Tyler says. “I’m so not paying attention to a thing you’re saying because I keep looking at those tits.”

Tyler avoids the question on everyone’s mind before sending James off to meet Lexington Steele, and that is, “Will you be renewed?” - GP

· Tina Tyler (myspace.com)

· Buy “Fresh Out the Box 6″ (gamelink.com)

Previously: Fashion Archive

The “hot girl stumbles on amorous couple and politely joins in” is a tried and true porn formula that never fails to disappoint. Still, it should be a little bit more of a challenge to talk a waitress into having sex with you in her section while she’s on duty. We know porn script writers aren’t the hardest working dudes in show business, but if an actress can ad lib a line about breaking the boss’ plant, surely someone can concoct a better pickup line that this. Then again, maybe Audrey Bitoni is just that persuasive. If she said “Jump,” we’d be the first to yell, “How high?”

- – -

· Audrey Bitoni Threesome (XXXUploads)

* * * * *

Previously: Flesh Flicks Archives

Apparently, despite YouTube’s strict enforcement of its no nipple policy, it is still acceptable to show bare breasted women being felt up … as long as it’s done in the name of medical science. Seriously, there are still boobs on YouTube! We don’t how this happened, but it did, so take advantage while you still can. You know how when you were just a youngster, unable to purchase your own girly mags or unscramble the cable box in the family room, and you were forced to turn to almost any swimsuit ad or underwear catalog in order to get your boobie fix? Yeah, us neither, but the point is that this whole situation reminds of the phrase “any port in a storm.” If you’re stuck in some bizarre filtering nightmare that only allows you access to YouTube and you just have to see some naked tits, it’s nice to know that all is not completely lost. What you do with this information is up to you, but don’t get upset with us for corrupting was is essentially a public service. Our love of healthy boobs is what made us what we are today.

· “Breast Massage Technique” (YouTube + Bonus video after the jump – thanks Mike!)

- – -

· “Live Breast Examination – How to check your breasts” (YouTube)

* * * * *

Previously: YouTube Watch Archives

We have a lot of odd requests that come through our tips line each week, but rarely—ok, never—do we get solicited to partake in someone’s erotic fantasy. Nor do we get asked to help someone fulfill their erotic fantasy with others, or have someone offer to fulfill ours … or to help find someone a job as fetish slave. Actually, we’re not sure what’s being asked of us in this email, but it’s very specific and quite demanding. (If only we had a good picture to send as a reply.) Perhaps the rest of you can figure out if he wants to pay or be paid for the right to possibly be eaten alive by sexy women and/or maybe make a Hollywood movie out of it? This could be our ticket out of here, if only we weren’t so afraid of where it might to take us.

Dear Events Coordinator:

If you are in the Los Angeles Area, it is terrific to satisfy any desire a woman may posess. I am contacting you to see if you are receptive to the suggestion for me to serve as the slave for her enjoyment in a video. But, you must attach a picture. I will not pay for these interests, but in exchange for a modeling fee, perform for free. Thank you and I look forward to a favorable reply.

My interests are -
1. Anilingus.
2. Bondage.
3. Cunnilingus.
4. Smothering.
5. Flexible -
Try an idea so every stone is left unturned.
6. Body Worship -
A. Armpit.
B. Breast.
C. Foot.
7. Toilet Slave -
A. Brown Shower.
B. Gold Shower.
C. Invisible Shower.
8. Video -
I have acted out the story with 25 dominatrixes. They all say that this
is the most unique roleplaying they have ever conducted. The theme may
either be for fantasy or reality. I am shipwrecked on a deserted island
that is inhabited by female cannibals. After discovering the village when I
am looking for water, I am captured by the 100+ amazon warriors since
I have trespassed. The High Priestess Birthday is in several days; to
honor her a feast had been planned. But, when the famine left the island
with little livestock, the plan was going to be canceled, until I arrived. I
am prepared as the Dinner Guest Of Honor. The main course being
served is the Hawaiian Longpig-me! The script will be mailed to you or
it will be printed and brought with me. It may be videotaped and sold
on the Internet. There are many websites dealing with cannibalism.
There are messageboards with men that will pay any price for your video.

Characteristics are blond hair, blue eyes, no children, no drugs, non-drinker, non-smoker, single, 100% healthy, 185 pounds, and 5’10″. I look like Brett Favre, the quarterback, of the Green Bay Packers. Whenever I do anything academic, athletic, and social, I give 100% effort so I will be a “blue-chip” investment for your corporation.

There was actually a picture attached, which we sadly can’t show you, because believe it or not, he does look a bit like a less-scruffy Brett Favre. So just imagine the MVP quarterback stretched out a spit about to be served to a group of ravenous female cannibals, because that’s how we plan to spend our weekend.

Previously: Reader Email Of The Week: Momma’s Boy

Who among us hasn’t wanted to bang a hyper-realistic plasticine avatar as a nice distraction from regular human-on-human sex? But who among can also afford to plunk down the thousands of dollars needed to get a truly authentic high-end model. Fortunately, there are workarounds for the crafty and ambitious out there and the good folks at Homemade Sex Toys have pulled together a nice tutorial on how to construct your own full-size sex doll, using nothing more than a department store mannequin, a little elbow grease, and as many molded body parts as you can find at your local sex shop. Sure, your new snap-together lover might be a little inflexible and she might also have two right hands, but think of all the money you’ll save on shipping and handling charges. Plus, you’ll have the satisfaction of fucking a toy you built with your own two hands. Until IKEA comes out with its own line of “some assembly required” companions, this will be as good as it gets.

· Make Your Own Sex Doll (homemade-sex-toys.com)

Previously: How To: Silence Your Vibrator, How To: Make Your Own Altoids Box Vibrator, How To: Make Your Own Veggie Vibrator, Top Ten Sex Toy Patents

Buxom birds Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh have posed together in magazines more times than we care to count (not that doing the math wouldn’t be fun) so it’s harder and harder for the folks at your favorite lad mags to come up with a new excuse to pair them together. Nuts found a pretty good one though—after scoring Lucy’s first topless pics just a few weeks ago, they’re now pitching her first ever topless pics with Michelle. No more creative posing or finding reasons for “The Marsh” to “accidentally” be in the way of her friend’s nipples. Of course, now that this particular cat is out of the bag, how can they possibly up the ante any further to create a new “exclusive”? Lucy and Michelle’s first ever topless pics in space? We’re sure those mad geniuses can find some way to make that happen.

· Lucy and Michelle together and topless (sexypix.thumblogger.com)
· See also: Rhian Sugden gets wet for Nuts (dailypoa.com)

Previously: This Week In Lad Mags Archive

There are some in the country who feel that the level of our political discourse has fallen to abysmal depths and that the opportunity to debate the great issues of our age is lost in a sea of partisan name-calling and sensationalist rhetoric that appeals to our most base instincts at the fringes of our society. Those people are going to be pissed when they realize that the most interesting thing to come out of the 2008 presidential race thus far is a chick with big boobs singing about how she’s horny for Barack Obama. Personally, we think election rallies could use more bikini models and double entendres about the “head of state.” So maybe it isn’t exactly enlightened political philosophy, but it’s pretty much the best argument we’ve seen for anyone’s candidacy at this point. If Mariah Carey suddenly pens an ode to Sam Brownback, however, we’re moving to Canada.

· Obama Girl (obamagirl.typepad.com)
· 2008: Obama Girl and More (blogs.nytimes.com)

Previously: 40,000 Blowjobs: Vote For Tania Derveaux!, Presidential Pornstar Poll @ Adultcon Los Angeles