Aside from the tattoos, there’s something 70′s Buddy’s Hot Older Sister about Bailey Blue, who tries her best to accommodate Billy Glide in “Super Size Me: Monster Cocks.”

I want to be part of their world.

“Trisexual Asylum 4″ is the only Brazilian movie I’ve ever seen in which the women seem like an afterthought.

Ass photocopying, they say, is a quick succession of curious sensations: sitting on the cool platen, the sudden heat of the scan, and the traveling light. But how often does it lead to fucking?

I have no problem admitting that I pay attention when someone says something with any version of an English accent, even if they are quoting Drake lyrics. That is why this warehouse lesbo romp from “Sluts on the Clock” seems like Shakespeare.

Monica Rise has hiccups, and director Van Styles suggests a cure: “Black Dick. Didn’t your mother ever tell you about black dick?”

“Redheads Are Sexy,” for a fact, but we will have to take it on faith that Zoey Nixon is a natural redhead.

“Pull the hood back and don’t stiff-tongue it,” says Mischa Brooks before a scene in which cunnilingus is most definitely not the focus, “The clit is really sensitive; do it with the flat of the tongue.”

“My neeples are so ‘ard,” says delightful Frenchwoman Anissa Kate in the 2-disc POV fellatiorama “Suck It Dry 10.” But if that surprised her, it’s nothing compared to what happens at the end of the scene.

We just have to trust pornographers, I guess, that these women really do go to college.

Call me romantic, but I admire a good porn storyline. When lonely British inmate Danny D. receives a visit from sympathetic guard Franki, I just knew he was going to make another Australia—to wit: a penal colony—on her face.

It’s called cognitive dissonance. Lola Foxxx looks so soft and virginal when she’s just lying there, masturbating, but then she pulls up her shirt to reveal a huge hibiscus tattoo. Should we be surprised when a penis enters the frame?

If you look at their eyelids, they are blinking out “Not remotely torture.”

Not that we brought a lot of porn home for Thanksgiving, but this title was one we especially didn’t want Aunt Clare to see.

Thank God sex is not an improv class, because Ashley Stone just denied Alec Knight’s request to “do a little dance.” But it’s OK in “Barely Legal 131,” as she fucks him instead.

Let’s be reasonable. Just as turning 28 doesn’t make one a MILF, renting a wedding dress and dialing the lights a little brighter doesn’t turn one into a “Virgin Bride.” Discerning porn consumers don’t need blood on the sheets, but how about a little surprise when the schlong goes in?

I ask you: is there anything sweeter than two naked post-coital women gazing up at you while lazily twirling their ankles? Well, maybe if they were immediately pre-coital. Still, should call them “Cock Pigs”?

One definition of “pillow queen” is someone who just lies there, but another is someone who inspires her partner to greater heights and then gets in the way in the best manner possible. Meet Karina White.

Liv Aguilera is a juicy, tiny thing, like a savory empanada. And when the L.A.-area native first disrobes on a cramped set, it should be like ringing the dinner bell.

This election is going to be close, and we are dismayed when both sides seem to resort to less-than-ethical tactics. But at least naked liberal spitfire Aiden Starr gives something back to Republican boss Eric Jover when she hypnotizes him into voting for the other team.