Did you know that the most commonly reported sexual problem for heterosexual couples is that the man’s penis is too large? (We may have mentioned this in the past.) No one in this movie has any complaints of that nature; we just wanted to make sure you don’t feel bad for having a cock smaller than Mandingo’s. We’re all in that boat with you, brother.

After the first “Black Anal Addiction” film hit stores, Mike Adriano’s family staged an intervention to address his addiction to eating black anuses. After that, a battalion of Mike’s fans staged an intervention on Mike’s family to ask them not to intervene with Mike’s way of life. Call us enablers if you must, we prefer to think of ourselves as conservationists and anthropologists (and black anal addicts by proxy).

Justine Joli is in command. She knows what she wants from this world, and right now, she needs a well-trained slave who will fulfill her every desire. Can she find such a woman, and if she can, can she craft the fresh young mind into the come-hungry pet she wants?

Hmm, crack jokes on a post about butt sex. Poor taste? Welcome to Fleshbot! Give us your conspiracy theories and we’ll give you a pun about gaping anuses. Act now and we’ll throw in a joke about Rick Ross for free! (If we can think of one before this post goes up.)

Is it our imaginations, or has the adult industry (and New Sensations in particular) become quite fond of “cute,” “adorable,” and similar words? We enjoy it, it definitely puts a bright and sunny spin on porn, but we wonder if this will change the national lexicon someday. How long will it be until calling a girl “cute” is seen as slander, a suggestion that she’s down to inhale huge dicks with a smile on her face?

There are a ton of phenomenal prepositional phrases readily available in the pornographic lexicon, but we think “Down the Throat” has something special about it. Maybe it’s the sound of the letters, or maybe it’s the visual we get from hearing the phrase, but whatever it is, it instantly lets us know that something dirty is going on and somebody means business.

The beginning of every porn scene starts the same way: rich with potential. Who will touch what? How much will be licked? What trail will spit make? Which things will be stuffed where and how hard? These are the questions, they have infinite answers, and if the mood is right and the magic flows freely, the end of the scene will deliver unto us a filthy fucking pornstar.

Why is massage porn so popular these days? We waxed pornographic about it a few days ago when we previewed “Erotic Massage Stories,” but we didn’t really get to the heart of the matter. We’re all extremely tense these days! Nobody gets enough sleep, nobody keeps an eye on their posture, and all we want from the world is somebody who will unlock all the knots in our backs and then bang us senseless.

We love the term “down there.” It’s always said with an italicized voice and a wave of the eyebrows, and no matter what position the speaker is in, you can instantly picture them hiding something sweet and sexy under the tablecloth and between their legs. Such graphic subtlety, you know? It’s a paradox of pubic relations.

We have a love-hate relationship with bras, but we don’t think they should be torn asunder by huge breasts. Even on days when we curse them for getting in the way of total boob visibility, the worst we imagine for them is being turned into water balloon slingshots; creative doom, but not destruction. So how are we supposed to feel about the fourth installment of a porn series that ignores the bra’s feelings and it’s God-given right to support flesh?

It might not be the traditional choice, but it holds the audience quite well, gives them the same number of goosebumps, and won’t give them the nightmares the ghost stories usually produce. If someone hears a raccoon rustling through the garbage, they won’t mistake it for a murderer with a rusty hook hand, they’ll think it’s just Aleksa Nicole looking for a dick to suck–she’s the Tooth Fairy of deep tissue massages!

As this is being written, there’s an actual puppy running around the office. It’s adorable, without a doubt, but it’s kind of hard to focus on the non-canine aspects of “Slut Puppies” when we hear the dog’s collar jingling as it runs–really waddles–around the place. We can do this though. We’re professionals. Here we go: humans.

It’s May, and you know what that means: students all over the world are stressing the brains out about finals and grades and such. What’s the best they can get, 4.0? If they take a lot of AP classes, they can raise it up to 5.0. If they let the assistant principal bend them over the desk and feast on their fanny, that has to at least be worth 6.0–it’s only fair.

We love Tom Byron. We understand why he’s not making movies all the time these days, and we respect him for whatever he wants to do, but damn do we miss that guy. So imagine our joy when we saw a familiar figure smashed beneath the beautiful butt of Julie Cash! It’s Tom, lover of ass, licker of anus, worm beneath the high heels of hotties!

In the perfect world, all parents would get paid time off to be with their children during their earliest years. Sadly, we’re a long way away from that world, but maybe we can convince the government to send exceptionally-hung studs to the hard working MILFs of America every now and then, maybe with a few vouchers for the fancy lingerie of their choice. So, who wants to write up this We the People petition?

Girls, boys, manticores, whatever you want to call these entities, they are fucking hot and horny and dying to take a dip in each other’s drawers. We suppose the main thing that make these babes into boys is the presence of a strap-on, but we prefer to think of them as unicorns. Because we can.

We love excess: it’s in our blood, it’s in our national heritage, it’s why breakfast cereal advertisements always show full glasses of milk next to full glasses of juice. We’ve searched far and wide to find ways to express our love of the cup that runneth over, and we’ve realized that nothing celebrates abundance quite like a bun dance–watch this jelly jiggle and beg to be filled!

Chastity Lynn landed a sweet babysitting gig looking after Dana DeArmond’s youngster, but Dana’s stories about her ex-husband are filling Chastity with a bitter hatred for a man she’s never met. What do you think will happen with Chastity finally meets Dana’s ex? Do you think there’ll be banging? Yep!

When we think of the title “Porno Pranks,” we imagine someone getting spitroasted with a Kick Me sign on their back, or someone looking inside a gaping asshole just as plastic snakes fly out of it. What we don’t think of is Riley Steele and Jesse Jane having sex with guys and filming it without their consent.

And yet, we think spelunking is a much more accurate term for what’s going on here. Yes, these gentlemen are taking a plunge into an anus, but plunge implies water is involved and plunger brings up some other unsexy connotations. Spelunking, however, is all about exploration and safety; that’s exactly the kind of mood we want to set for this butt sex bonanza.