A German couple and their son relocate to Hammerfest, Norway, where the sunless days and the stress of new work start to pull them apart. Then Maria, the mother, accidentally hits a girl with her car and the family must hide the terrible secret from the town. Incidentally, this heals Maria’s marriage! Ain’t life screwy?
We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking those clips of Pihla Viitala from “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” and “Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre” were great, but they weren’t enough to quench your thirst for this foxy Finnish babe. You know how we know what you’re thinking? We’re thinking the same damn thing.
We know you have places to go and stuff to do, but if you could just slow it down for a moment, you’d feel right as rain. Instead of running around and scrubbing like a maniac in your shower, you should sit down and sensually pour water all over your bod. You’ll feel like a goddess!
We know you don’t want to get out of bed, and neither does Marion, but when that alarm goes off she’ll be leaping out of those sheets like a lizard. So whether you’re looking for some subtle gropage beneath the covers or are hoping to see a flash of full frontal, you better prepare yourself and get it while it’s hot.
Did you catch “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters”? Perhaps you didn’t want to watch a story about a badass Hansel who has diabetes after being force fed candy as a child (we think it makes him a uniquely interesting hero). Anyhow, you missed a young witch getting buck ass naked in a pool in the woods and hooking up with Hansel.
No, she doesn’t really have a sex tape, but she does play herself in “He’s Way More Famous Than You,” in which she tries to make her star rise by filming herself screwing her boyfriend (sounds familiar). In some twisted way, it’s almost like Halley has a sex tape, but it’s not enough to earn this post a “sex tape” tag.
And you know, this is really one of those smooching pairs we never would’ve dreamed up on our own–probably because we tend to think of Rooney as Lisbeth Salander and Catherine as “that woman from ‘Zorro.’” We know, we’re small-minded. Nonetheless, this is a very special moment for everyone, for libidos around the world, and we urge you to forget about the part of the plot that includes pharmaceutical evils and sleepwalking murder.
Lea Seydoux is one of those gals we can never get enough of, though sadly, there’s rarely much of her to go around. The last time we saw her was August of 2012–that’s too long for our liking! So when something like this happens, something like a few seconds of Lea taking off her top and letting her breasts briefly bounce, we have to make the most of it.
The award for Most Creative Way to Prevent Nipples from Showing in a Sexy Situation goes to Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes! Yes, as much as it pains us to say, we like what they’ve done here. If you must have something conveniently block nudity from our vision, let it be another human’s hands resting gently (or not so gently) on the naughty bits.
No STDs! Then again, you could consider insanity an STD in this case, so maybe we won’t count that one. At least ghosts are always creative in their sexual encounters. Take this young (appearing) lady for example: she appeared once in a nightclub, again tied up on the side of the road, and when she screws you, you have visions of Rene Magritte’s paintings!
Why did we go with Korean film today? Well, a lot of our favorite steamy movies on Netflix happen to be Korean–”Untold Scandal,” “Sweet Sex and Love,” “Green Chair” come to mind–and on another note, all the recent drama surrounding North Korea has made us pine for tender tales of that divided land.
People remember “Parker” best for the dynamic duo that is Jason Statham and Jennifer Lopez, but even though they had that one kinky “Prove you aren’t wearing a wire” scene together, they don’t get the chance to have a relationship. Why? Because Statham already has a girlfriend, and he’s loyal to her, and he dreams of taking sexy showers with her. Such is the allure of Emma Booth.
“Lotus Eaters” is essentially the story of bored rich kids trying to stave off malaise with drugs, sex, and jet-setting. It’s easy to blame the vapidness on the age of the characters (they’re all Millennials, whatever that means), but we think this movie shows us that people of every age solve their problems with the same set of tricks. How many generations have tried to find happiness by bathing five at a time in champagne and liquor?
Sometimes we post videos because they have big celebrities getting naked in them, sometimes we post videos with a good message of a sexual or social nature, but other times, we post things because they are unabashedly crazy. This clip definitely belongs in the last category. We think you’re going to enjoy it.
How do you get an audience’s attention? It’s easy: you have the first few minutes of your movie show various people getting it on while a snappy rap about safe sex plays in the background. And remember what we said about only watching movies with at least one orgasm during the opening credits? Yeah, this movie is definitely watchable.
Call us picky if you must, but we’ve decided that from now on, we’re not watching any movie unless there’s an orgasm–preferably a breathy and sexy one, but we’ll also accept heavy grunt-laden ones–by the time the opening credits are done. “Soldier’s Decameron” has shown us the light, and we’re not going back into the sexless dark.
Zoey has been Frankie’s dream girl for years, and now that they’re finally adults, they can do fun things like camping and drinking and mistake making! Frankie thinks everything is going his way–he got woozy from a few drinks, Zoey helped him into bed, she’s lingering within kissing range–but perhaps he shouldn’t have taken his glasses off.
A whole week? We sincerely doubt it, but maybe if we had seven days of nothing but snuggling and scrambling on top of a massage table with Jenny Cox and Venicia Day, there wouldn’t be a chance for it to go down. Then again, isn’t that dangerous and unhealthy? Oh, wait, sorry, you’re talking about a job!
Straight up, we don’t know much about this famous 18th century poet, philosopher, historian, and playwright, we’ve never read any of his works, and we don’t understand his relationship with Goethe, but if this movie has taught us anything, it’s that Schiller was down with the derriere. Hardcore respect for the rump.
Jack Morris, a navigator aboard a millionaire’s ship, has discovered that the millionaire’s mistress has stolen valuable data for a secret virtual reality program. Jack and the woman encrypt the data, shrink it down, and tattoo it on Jack’s back (yes, just like in that one “Futurama” movie). Also, Grace Jones and Adam Ant are in this movie. Also, beach sex on a ton of velvet.
