Okay, so we can’t say we know for sure what a facial from God would look like (a hurricane? monsoon season?) but with the celestial light surrounding this babe, we think she just might be an angel. Albeit one that’s dripping with a massive cumload, but that only serves to augment her ethereal beauty. Who needs flowing, silvery robes when you can have ropes of gossamer cum all up on your face? Nobody, that’s who! Oh, Facial Friday, we sing your praises.

“Assacre” (Asses Being Wrecked By Dicks And Dildo’s [sic]) stars the juicy blue-eyed A.J. Applegate, who opens the scene by sucking on an acrylic dildo while her ass remains as yet unwrecked. In fact, her mouth isn’t even wrecked.

Hey, sometimes the best part of vacation happens without leaving the confines of your hotel room. There’s premium cable, delectable room service, a king-sized bed, blackout curtains, and plenty of space for good lovin’. Now, maybe with the Empire State Building or the Champs-Élysées right out your window, you know, eventually you should get out there. But there’s nothing wrong with scheduling some bone-time in on your itinerary. We think it makes the whole trip go a bit more smoothly (and funly).

When’s your next big family gathering? Most religious holidays have passed, and hopefully you won’t have to deal with the relatives until Thanksgiving, so that means you have a lot of time to mentally prepare yourself for the next onslaught of judgment and force-feeding. Take a page out of Shane Diesel’s book: you may find that harmony is just a huge, veiny dick away.

Ah, the fabled DP. It’s a move that scares many a novice away, and with good reason. One truly has to work up the skill and fortitude necessary to take it in both love-spots at once — and, luckily, there’s a cadre of beautiful ladies who have done just this. We respect, admire, and want to jizz all over all your efforts. And for us, that’s the highest compliment.

Wow. Looks like it’s pretty nice to be Tony Ribas! There he is just minding his own business when all of a sudden he’s stormed by two busty brunettes on a mission to take him for their own. They wordlessly force him to turn his cock over to them — all of it — and take his face for a ride. He’s a good sport about it, though, which we think is the correct response.

These guys. Oh, we could follow their sexual escapades forever. From her first delirious moans upon initial penetration, to him just railing on her from behind, there’s much to see and appreciate here. And with their creative camera positioning, we’re put in a great place to enjoy their positioning. Bring on your ass, your pussy, your hot, bushy chicks! Your ballsacks, your vibrators, your doggystyle dicks! Yeah, we like it all.

…even if Lisa Ann’s never having given birth excludes her from being a “pure” MILF, we’re happy to make her an honorary one.

We kind of didn’t think about all the potential wrought within the piledriving pose — luckily, these two did. Why, look! You can piledrive a beej way down into your babe’s throat-hole, you can get a great new angle in pussy-jizzing, and (naturally) you can really engage in some great alternative dicking. Clever, clever amateurs — giving us something to strive for every day.

Once again, your gal pals have stuck you with the burden of planning a bridal shower and everybody wants something different. One girl is gluten-free, two are vegan, and there’s that one who won’t give up the damn Atkins diet. What will you serve? Don’t worry about it: Rico Strong, Lexington Steele, Prince Yahshua, and Jon Jon have you covered (in jizz).

It’s a cycle that just makes sense. Although, to be fair, Debbie never actually makes it to Dallas in the flick. But it’s no matter, because we still found plenty of cause for the saucy self-doing. The BJs! The bush! The enthusiastic doggystyle, missionary, and cowgirl (appropriate) deep-dicking! It’s a rich and colorful tapestry of boning, we tell ya.

Together! And even if you’ve whacked off together dozens, scores of times, each trip to the fabled land of come-town is a different adventure — a bold, brash, beautiful journey. And its terminus is a hell of a lot funner than a trip to grandma’s. At least we think. Depending on the grandma. Yeah.

Housekeeper Selena Rose has a secret trick that keeps her from being jittery when the INS comes sniffing around employer Manuel Ferrara’s house: she fucks anyone.

Yeah, people are all creaming themselves like crazy over the new Xbox Kinect, and sure, the new and improved sensing capabilities are pretty impressive. But we’ve been (literally) creaming ourselves over interactives for years — all thanks to the endless well that is POV porn.

In this edition of “MILFs Seeking Boys,” it seems like the MILFs aren’t necessarily on the prowl for young man penis, but instead find that the only way they can help the immature minds around them is to break them down (with fucking) and build them up again (with more fucking). They’re like the MKUltra of MILFs.

If there’s one thing we like, it’s a saucy MILF. If there’s one thing we like even better, it’s two of them! This isn’t the first time we’ve seen these mega-MILFs together — but it looks like they’ve perfected their relationship by way of sexy makeouts, tasty fingerbangs, and lapping upon giant, MILFy tits. It’s a beautiful affair.

There’s nary a thing like it — especially barebacked inside a babe. Now that’s a good jizz. It’s the kind of jizz that’s akin to eating dessert first, to diving in the deep-end, to dancing ’til the sun comes up. It just may be the greatest kind of jizz there is! Although we won’t hold ourselves to such blanket statements. We will verify that we’re really into it, though. (But what aren’t we into, really?).

More pleasant (much more pleasant, actually) than watching the awkward sex on restaurant equipment on display in “LA MILF Truck” is knowing that that same truck sells authentic New York Italian Ice to little leaguers across the San Fernando Valley.

We’re actually damn proud of Digital Playground for this one. Telemarketing has to be one of the most under-represented careers in the porn industry! We recall Eva Angelina in such a scene in the past, but these people here went ahead and made a whole damn film about those lonely, hard-working, eternally-hated voices. It brings a tear to the eye.

Maybe it’s because we’ve got open-air banging on the brain, but if we were this hottie fucking couple, we’d throw open the shutters and let the cool night air waft over our writhing, reverse cowgirling bodies. It adds a bit of dusky, twilight romance to the whole encounter.