Strippers hanging out with thugs, criminals spending their free time in strip clubs, private dances turning into assassinations: these are classic tropes of the modern crime film. We’re so used to seeing fake breasts and angry, muscly men next to each other that we’re surprised no one’s saved time and made a movie about a bodybuilding stripper mob. But spanking? That’s a fresh treat.

Poor Sammy Smalls (Cristin Milioti) has a crush on a boy who thinks she’s too immature and sexually inexperienced to date. Sammy, don’t listen to that nonsense. You just take your grandma, hit the nearest pool, and go for a naked swim. The water finds you wise, womanly, and sexy as hell. We are inclined to agree with it.

Are you excited about the new season of “Arrested Development” hitting Netflix this weekend? So are we! The show has everything: great writing, brilliant pacing, running gag after running gag, and loads of gorgeous actresses we love to ogle. The fact that “Arrested Development” is full of hotties is often overlooked, but here we are, looking at that fact, telling you where to find their boobs.

It’s too damn hot in New York right now, and we have to stay in the office with our broken air conditioner. Where would we rather be? The park. The forest. We long to be outside, frolicking in the fresh air, until we come across a group of babes picnicking in the nude. This is our dream of the moment.

No, you’re not still dreaming, that is indeed a young Russell Crowe. And if you’re thinking of the Danielle Spencer who played Dee Thomas in “What’s Happening!!” back in the day, you’re thinking of the wrong Danielle Spencer. You need to get your head on straight. It’s Wednesday and there are Australians having sex right in front of you.

Speak of the devil — we were just talking about Mystique from X-Men, and as luck would have it, some tweeted photos of lady du jour Jennifer Lawrence ended up in front of our faces. She’s playing young Mystique in the upcoming X-Men film, and if we squint our eyes and turn up our knob for mutant-lust, we’ve got ourselves a real treat here.

How does that sound to you? Good? Great? Like something you wrote about in your diary and are both upset and relieved that someone else brought it to life first? And if that’s not enough, you can also see Sylvia in the bath and lovingly sucking her big toe!

Three friends go on a camping trip on a small, uninhabited island, but they let petty squabbles flare up and they bicker furiously. Then three unhinged soldiers attack them. Do they flee in fear? Yes, at first. But once they swim a freezing lake, strip their clothes off, and huddle together for warmth, they turn into warriors.

What’s a Sienna Miller? It’s a pair of boobs lying back on the bed. Don’t you know from poker? It’s definitely a rare hand–the last time we encountered Sienna was two years ago–but it’s an unforgettable one and powerful to boot! Them tits bring the chips.

Sex in the back of a car? Check. Steamed up windows? Check (way to complete your “Titanic” fantasies, too). Interrupted by friends? You betcha. Only one person orgasms? Yes! You did it! You’re officially ready to be an adult now; stress about auto insurance will prevent you from ever again fucking in the backseat.

What is sex like for a sleepwalker? We’re not talking about sexsomnia, which we’ve seen in hyper-stylized action. Is there a chance that Maria Yasnaya here could be eaten out so well that she falls asleep and awakes in an orgasmic trance? Has that ever happened to you?

Ah, now this is the “Game of Thrones” we know and love. The last time we saw Emilia Clarke naked was the end of season one; it’s been ages since she’s graced us with her presence! And better yet, she’s brought a happy hooker playing Blind Man’s Bluff as well as more hot sex that quickly turns gruesome for the unlucky man.

If you have to wear pasties, why not wear pasties with glitter? Or smilie faces? Or phasers set to stun? Or the perioditc table of elements? Or matching pairs like Burt and Ernie? Coffee and Cream! Bush and Obama! Sonny and Cher! Milo and Otis!

A German couple and their son relocate to Hammerfest, Norway, where the sunless days and the stress of new work start to pull them apart. Then Maria, the mother, accidentally hits a girl with her car and the family must hide the terrible secret from the town. Incidentally, this heals Maria’s marriage! Ain’t life screwy?

Beta-carotene helps improve your eyesight, especially your night vision, so will it help your eyeballs peer through Heidi Klum’s sheer dark dress? Is the night like a translucent top pulled over the world? You could also just turn the brightness up on your monitor and see nipples that way, but then you miss out on all the good carroty fiber.

We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking those clips of Pihla Viitala from “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” and “Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre” were great, but they weren’t enough to quench your thirst for this foxy Finnish babe. You know how we know what you’re thinking? We’re thinking the same damn thing.

Oh no! Someone’s using the shower at the beach and Jennifer Nicole Lee can’t get her spray on! Not a problem. Jennifer has a backup plan: a gallon of water in a jug. It’s only gonna take a few quick splashes to get this show back on the road.

We know you have places to go and stuff to do, but if you could just slow it down for a moment, you’d feel right as rain. Instead of running around and scrubbing like a maniac in your shower, you should sit down and sensually pour water all over your bod. You’ll feel like a goddess!

Allure’s annual “Look Better Naked” issue came out a while ago, and we thought we were done thinking about Allure for the rest of the year. How wrong we were! Zoe Saldana took it all off for their cameras and her fine foxy ass is going in the June issue. Way to shake things up, Allure!

History was never our best subject in school, but we’d like to think that as we get older, we have a greater appreciation for the lessons the past has to offer as well as a new desire to gain wisdom from it. Today we’re going to learn why you should never have sex with Lucrezia Borgia or Henry VIII.