· Via Fashionising (fashionising.com)

From soap star to British Voice contestant, Alice Barlow is proving to be a double threat, which may explain why she appears here in red and black panty sets. Honestly at first we thought she was two different girls, which goes to show you either Alice Barlow’s duality/versatility or something about dark colors and photoshop.

We love the Eiffel tower on Candice Swanepoel, because it makes us think of the Eiffel tower as an enormous vagina looming over the people of Paris. We do sort of wish the tower were upsidedown so we could imagine it as a V laying across Candice Swanepoel’s vagina. And then we could imagine Candice Swanepoel’s vagina as an enormous vagina taking over Paris!

If you had a beautiful house in the countryside, wouldn’t you fill it will gorgeous femme dommes and slaves in perfect fetish gear? And if you were playing in your home in the countryside, wouldn’t you put on a show on the off-chance that someone in a cowboy hat was lurking around your property and peering in through the window?

Everyone knows the star tattoo is the millennial right of passage – it’s the butterfly tramp stamp for the alt set. But while many ladies have chosen to get nautical stars on their forearms or feet or bellies, Freja Beha Erichsen has one on her armpit.

So Karlie Kloss is just wearing normal relaxed outfit like the rest of us mortals until she strips her mom jeans off to reveal the lingerie-clad vixen beneath and then dons a pretty pretty sundress, becoming a feminine ladyface again. Because gender is just a performance, or so we overheard at a party last night.

Sometimes when you tear off someone’s clothes you’re really hoping to find some brightly-colored exciting underpants, but hey, if it’s Barbara Palvin’s clothes you’re tearing off we’re betting you won’t mind the muted coverage.

It’s that time of year, when you can find a disgusting rusted metal boat floating in some isolated lake, tear off all the trappings of society, lay back, and make sure your inner labia is just the right shade of whatever.

To be real, we could watch Lorelei Lee read the back of a cereal box and be engrossed. On the other hand, thank gooooodness Lorelei Lee chose the profession of “epic porn star” and not “epic back of cereal box reader” (we’re assuming that would be some sort of performance art thing).

If you have to wear pasties, why not wear pasties with glitter? Or smilie faces? Or phasers set to stun? Or the perioditc table of elements? Or matching pairs like Burt and Ernie? Coffee and Cream! Bush and Obama! Sonny and Cher! Milo and Otis!

There is so much we love about this trailer. Polaroids! A dirty scavenger hunt! On bikes! Cute sundresses! Rubber bike tube bondage teasing! Finger-banging! Some good old fashioned intercourse after a lot of teasing! And blowjobs…This is one of the great blowjob teases we’ve seen in a while. The delightfully pink-ringletted and luscious femme Poppy Cox really really really wants that cock in her mouth. Just lookit the hungry glazed gaze in her eyes!

Florence Dolce is gazing longingly at something out across the sea. What could it be? Is her ship going to come in? Someone to give her the solid pounding she so clearly deserves and yearns for? Perhaps she’s a narcissist and what she really wants is another babe who looks just like her to sail up on the horizon and make all her dreams come true. Someone with tweakable nipples and flawless skin and legs to get all tangled up in and a very very kissable cunt? Ok, we’ll just leave you with that image.

Well, if part of the idea of a greenhouse is to grow delicate plants in controlled environments, then it stands to reason that perfect babes could be cultivated in special gardens. Wouldn’t it be great to have carnivorous plants that looked like the ladies in this picture? Imagine them growing from inside a blooming bud! When they reach maturity, the bud will bloom and a lovely flowery seductive slut will emerge!

Mandy Mitchell is a traditional kind of gal. She usually doesn’t kiss on the first date, but there’s something about Reuven that inspires her to take him home. Mandy Mitchell is the kind of girl who uses pink rope. She’s the kind of girl who sits on your face and sticks her cock in your mouth after tying you up with the pink rope and making you her little fucktoy for the evening. Mandy Mitchell sucks your dick while fucking your face. When she gets laid she gets real laid.

There are many glorious incarnations of the camel toe, but none greater that we can think of off the tops of our heads than the gold lamé camel toe. Courtney Stodden is really just living up the Spice Girls brand of feminism isn’t she? Empowerment=wearing outlandish, sexually revealing outfits in public and always looking real cheery about it.

It’s Saturday evening, so we know you’re in the mood for some hip-hop pole gyrating. Also Dorothy Bohner feeling herself and being generally really sexy in a sexy car. And a sexy parking lot. Also what little clothing Dorothy is wearing is see-through, so there’s that. Do not try to interrupt Dorothy performing her important sensual ritual or tease her about her last name, because she will cut you with those shoes.

Everybody knows what pigtails are for. Pulling. Yanking. Tugging. That’s how you get pretty girls’ attention you know. Even if they scream or threaten to tell on you, that’s just because they like you too. Then of course, pigtails make an excellent handle to grab onto when that pretty girl is down on your dick.

You know when you have a projector screen and you are trying to pull it down from the ceiling and you already have to balance a stack of hardcover rare comics on top of a kitchen chair and still stand on your tip-toes because you’re sooo short and all of your friends that came over to watch Drag Race on your fancy projector are also all really short and you can’t quite figure out how to pull the screen down just right to keep it from catching or collapsing completely and you stand there like an awkward ballerina getting more and more frustrated? Maybe you should have just invited naked models over to project onto instead. Problem solved.

We are really into the subgenre of porn that involves oiling up juicy asses and making them bounce around before fucking. Booty bouncing is totally the new lava lamp. We just wanna watch wet butts jiggle enthusiastically all evening to unwind.

It’s great to see Kate Moss out on display, fully-lit, doin a little twist in low cobra. It suits her doesn’t it? She’s definitely air-brushed more than she needs to be, but this babe is almost 40 and she is rocking a super-fit body (as opposed to the waifish malnourished look she popularized two decades ago) and a perfectly spankable bubble butt.