We always assumed that every orgasm--from moment to moment and person to person--is uniquely beautiful and deserving of awe, but now that's all over. New Sensations assigned a value scale to the female orgasm so you better hope to high heavens that you rank well. Future employers will see your score.
If you haven't made plans for this weekend, you should see if you can squeeze in a trip to Lilliput. The locals have always been into bondage, but ever since a shipment of Durex lube washed up on their shore, they've been much more hospitable to tourists!
It's a simple task, but it's definitely the cornerstone of sticking to your budget and saving up for the future. Alysha lost her clothes, and we gained arousal! Stick that in your Quicken and smoke it. (Or, uh, whatever you do with Quicken, we don't know. We're terrible at money.)
More translucent clothing? Nipples and thong? We were joking when we mentioned Pamela Anderson's return to our field of vision, but gosh, now we think it's really happening. Isn't life funny like that? Sigh wistfully with us.
We're not asking if you eat granola or have concerns about hemp. We're asking if you're natural. Here's a quick test: if somebody is walking along and they suddenly run into you, what is the chance that you will be topless and/or perfectly caressed and feathered by the wind?
Hey, Gracie! Could you tell us (and Mr. Squizzy there) how you dealt with the cops? And before you do, could you get your breasts involved? It's not that we don't want to hear about your constable control, but the serious will seem sweeter with your bodacious boobs punctuating them.
We try to be mature and enjoy the sight of others having fun, but looking at various forms of smut all day every day can give you a wicked case of FOMO. We expect to feel that sort of thing about mega-babes in high concept magazines like Kele in Purple, but we also recognize the fancy hotel this was shot in and now we feel so poor.
Coquettish doesn't quite cut it as an adjective for the so-called Youths in this film. They exist outside of age and experience, in an alternate dimension where the years and dongs that pass them by alter neither their faces nor their frills. By now we know well that "The Innocence of Youth" isn't your typical teen porn entree.
You think you can just hop in the pool with Hannah Martin and spank her bikinied butt? Heck naw. If you want to play, you have to climb the ladder of sexually suggestive objects. First you play with the straw in your drink, then you manhandle her banana, eventually you tickle some beach balls, and then, maybe, you can braid Hannah's hair.
Maybe we wouldn't choose this particular Kanye (and Jay-Z) jam to start a new season of a TV show, but we can't blame the Dutch for being a little behind the times, nor can we blame them for not using things off "Yeezus." Regardless, they know how to get their audience pumped, and we respect their methods.
We dare say that Lady Gaga is post-nudity at this point. She's saturated the public's eye with her naughty parts, and just as when you repeat a word until it loses all meaning, Gaga's breasts have ceased to be hidden things. But whatever, we always want to look at her boobs--we think Gaga's nipples are a lovely color!
It might sound like we're exaggerating, but we swear we're only doing it a little. Fabien Baron got to shoot Miranda Kerr, Andreea Diaconu, Doutzen Kroes, Candice Swanepoel, Constance Jablonski, Alessandra Ambrosio, Cameron Russell, Behati Prinsloo, Toni Garrn, Karlina Caune, and Jourdan Dunn, and he put them in fur and not much else!
"Come on, Fleshbot," you say. "Not everything online has to do with Miley Cyrus or 'Game of Thrones.'" Pfft. Shows how much you know!
We've journeyed with Marc Blackie before, we've seen things his way--tea, spit, fellatio, fear--and although (or because) his films make us squirm, we're always ready for the next one. Fresh off the discomfort boat: a very pregnant Ashleigh Doll doing things to herself.
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