Oh God: Men Are Sealing Their Penises Shut With Adhesives During Sex

August 7, 2017
COLETTE-CALLAWAY

The fuckboys of America, in their self-described "desperate attempt to avoid condoms," have found yet another way to inflict their harrowing sexual abandon upon the rest of us.

Enter: The Jiftip, the supposed "condom alternative" from hell. It is an adhesive, made of the same material as Bandaids, that covers your dick tip to prevent cum from leaving the urethra - but oddly enough, "doesn't protect against pregnancy or STIs." If it wasn't clear enough by my use of quotations there, this is merely legal jargon. Of course the point of blocking semen's path is to prevent pregnancy; this product simply doesn't have the credentials to back up that premise and doesn't want to incur any liability.

BUT ANYWAY. More about Jiftips! (Is this a play on words for "jiffy tip," as in "cover your tip in a jiffy?" I am not yet sure.) The official product description is: "An “adhesive flexible sticker covering just the urethra for the containment of urine and semen.”

I can't make this shit up, people.

So, OK. Let's give these lil' guys the benefit of the doubt for a second and say that they do somehow manage to contain every drop of precum, cum, etc. etc. I was under the impression that a major use for condoms was the prevention of, oh, I don't know, HIV, herpes, or syphilis. But these obviously don't do that, because most STIs are transferred through skin-to-skin contact - which is why condoms are generally just a smidge larger than guitar picks. But I digress - Jiftip addresses STIs in their FAQ!

"WHAT ABOUT HERPES?," the say.

"Guys, did you know that condoms do not protect you against Herpes?"

WOW. Ok. They said that. They really went there. Even if that little factoid were true (condoms are not 100 percent effective in preventing herpes in men but most certainly help), condoms absolutely protect women against contracting the STI - and considering women are six times more likely than men to contract HSV-2, this statement reads like an affectionate, considerate attempt to protect your partner from any disease you may be unknowingly harboring. Oh, wait - no it doesn't!

So far we're still only meeting maybe one item on our checklist of "condom alternative" qualities - if you adhere it properly, don't blow a huge load while you're wearing it, and remember to pull out before ripping it off, you may prevent your swimmers from reaching your partner's eggs. But then again, using regular condoms doesn't feel like getting a fresh wax:

"DOES IT HURT WHEN YOU TAKE IT OFF? Yes, it does hurt. But you quickly build a tolerance to it, like drinking a beer, strange at first, suddenly you're addicted. MEN FEEL, BOYS SQUEAL."

Ah, yes, one side of toxic masculinity plz.