You now likely know that my full-time job is writing about sex and porn for a living, and you can likely surmise that part of my day is spent perusing the webs for important topics, news, and commentary I can bring to you people. So today, when I saw a Cosmo article titled "I Tried the Weed Chocolate That's Supposed to Make You Super Horny and GIRL, It Worked," I 1) laughed at the cheeky title and 2) thought to myself, I bet this is only fucking sold in Colorado.
Don't get me wrong - I mean no animosity toward the hilarious writer or the beautiful state of CO. It's just that all the fun weed sex products are sitting there on the shelves of their dispensaries all willy nilly like a Disneyland for horny adults, and I do not live in a weed-friendly state. I mean, earlier this week it was confirmed that weed lube - also only found in Colorado and California - makes orgasms more intense and pleasurable. And I've already written about how incredible high sex is plus how horny it makes you. All the fun is in Colorado, and they probably aren't suffering from whatever Facebook/Millennial affliction is causing the rest of us to not have as much sex as our grandparents' generation or whatever.
I've heard it all - sex is better on weed. There are special strains to make you orgasm. Speaking of orgasms, they're "deeper" on weed. This chick says it's like an "orgasm from your soul." Apparently, it's the natural viagra. I mean, why can't I buy any of these sexy weed chocolates online? Why is life so hard?
I first started longing for the magical wonderlands that are Colorado (and OK, California) dispensaries when that awesome weed lube was invented. It turns out that it doesn't actually get you high (unless you drink the bottle), but it helps with menstrual cramps, pelvic pain, and orgasm, so I'm already into it.
Image via Foria
But I can't buy either where I live. It's clear the weed is the Sex Elixir I Need, and probably that many others do, so why must the internet tease us with incredible products we can't buy unless we physically travel to these stores? Is this what life was like before mail ordering and online shopping?
Anyways, what I'm saying is: Now that weed is legal in a handful of places, and we are all publically acknowledging that marijuana does something to our libidos and our brains' pleasure centers during sex, we're seeing a new class of sex toys and products - the kind that you can put inside, outside, around, and on top of your body. We can combine weed with aphrodisiacs and coconut oil and shove it into chocolate, and so far, they eliminate the potentially negative effects of lighting actual weed on actual fire and ingesting actual smoke. It's a new frontier, and I can only hope I can legally join the party sometime very soon.
Until then, I am accepting gifts. My birthday was in January, but, you know.