The Weekly Mindfuck: Sexual Tension

December 9, 2016 | Posted in Editorial Features by colette-callaway


There's a group of us who respond to sexual energy almost more than sex itself. You might know exactly what I mean - sometimes a well-placed hand at dinner with friends or a well-timed dirty text when you're at work can light you up more than penetration itself. Or penetration alone, I should say. When there's a slow build of anticipation and desire leading up to sex, the act becomes infinitely more soul- and body-shaking than anything else. 

It took me awhile to understand this about myself. I didn't know when sex that went from 0 to 60 with no mental buildup often didn't turn me on; after all, I'm a woman who writes about sex for a living. I also couldn't figure out why not feeling wanted - or actively craved by - my partner would make me feel forlorn and dejected. Did I need constant validation? Was I perhaps far more insecure than I thought?  

And then I thought more about my personality, the kinds of humor I respond to and the way I experience in the world. Eventually, I took a quiz by sexologist Jaiya about the different kinds of erotic blueprints, and everything fell into place - as someone who experiences sex primarily through energy, I needed to feel a spark or a pull, some kind of tension that reflected desire, anticipation, teasing. 

For me, for whatever reason, sexual energy is omnipresent. It's not just around during sex itself - that's merely where I let it all loose. This energy is my partner sending me dirty pictures when I least expect them, or buying a toy we can use later while he's on his lunch break. It's hinting at something dirty he wants to try or not letting me take off my clothes right away when we start kissing. It's seeing his eyes run over my body while we're doing something completely mundane like grocery shopping or eating dinner.    

Knowing how I experience this kind of energy and how important it is to my sex life has been illuminating for many reasons - it gives me the kind of self-awareness I need to heighten the experience. But more than anything, it means I can give my partner the exact set of tools he needs.

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