The always fashion forward former frontman of The Smiths, your friend and mine, Morrissey, has just released his first foray into fiction with the book "List of the Lost," and already the critics are heralding it as the frontrunner for this year's Bad Sex in Fiction award.
According to NME (link below), the bad reviews for the book weren't necessarily surprising; After all, this is a book about a relay team that ends up being cursed by a demon. What's more surprising is that someone once renowned for his ability to elicit imagery that would make Caligula blush is now writing completely tone deaf sex scenes.
One passage in particular reads, "Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone."
Bulbous salutation? Jesus Christ dude, what happened to you?
In a statement issued to NME, the Literary Review – who judge the Bad Sex In Fiction Award – described the book as a "obvious frontrunner" for the prize.
They added, "Morrissey's sex scene is an astonishing bid by a first time novelist for this year's Literary Review Bad Bad Sex In Fiction Award. It's convoluted, overwrought and profoundly unsexy. The List Of The Lost could have done with less of lust."
I might add that Morrissey once made it cool to use the word please three times before begging to get what he wants this time, and now he's attempting to titillate by comparing fucking to a snowball rolling downhill.