The Weekly Mindfuck: Dick Pics

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Few things fascinate me more in this world than men's penchant for taking photos of their penises. The quest for nude pictures isn't entirely one-sided, but it's certainly an unbalanced scale between the genders. A partner I once had made me laugh out loud several times when our conversations first turned sexual: "Wanna see my cock?" was followed by me saying "Not yet, baby," more times than I can count, until he eventually replaced his casual probing with "Come ON, I've been trying to show you my cock FOREVER." (Cue me cracking up in bed.) 

Truth No. 1: Not every girl wants to see your dick right away.

I've personally never felt the same intense compulsion to send pictures of myself to someone I just met, and if the dude I'm talking to asks for them too soon or too aggressively, it feels very fox-and-the-hound and not in a cute way. A bad experience I had was receiving an unsolicited dick pic from someone I did not know well and had no interest in pursuing to any degree, sexual or otherwise. After sending it to me without warning, he followed up the photo with, "Are you wet yet?"

I sent back this:

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And then never talked to him again.

Hopefully, you have more self awareness than that dude and only send pictures of your cock to girls you're talking to, dating, or sleeping with. If so, congrats!!! You have won three quarters of the battle!!! 

Truth No. 2: But don't worry! She will eventually ...

Here's the thing, though: "Sex and the City" wasn't lying to you. Girls talk about who they're seeing and who they're sleeping with pretty often, usually with a mimosa in hand. It's a good thing, though—we like to brag about our accomplishments just as much as you do. Which brings me back to dick pics.

See, mutual sexual attraction can be pretty delicate in its initial stages. And why do we send naked pictures of ourselves to other people? To seduce the person on the receiving end, of course. The key to the whole process, though, is seduction—which means you need a strategy. Blindly throwing your dick into the ethers is sort of like being that guy at the bar who grabs random women's asses.

1. Thou shalt not send flaccid dick pictures.

This is the MOST IMPORTANT RULE. I can't really describe why this is a thing, but here's what you need to know: Hard cocks are beautiful and erotic, and flaccid penises are tiny aliens. While we don't mind seeing you soft at all in person (being hard all the time sounds exhausting), we don't want pictures of flaccid dick. It's nothing against your peen—I'm sure it's beautiful in all its forms. It's just not sexy, and it will weird her out. 

2. Thou shalt wait for the right time. 

You can disregard this one if you're in a relationship or have a FWB that will appreciate photographic evidence of your erection at any time, but when you're getting to know someone, take my advice and wait. I know, I know, it's tough. Good times to send a dick pic are as follows: When you're sexting, or when she asks for one. Preferably both, which brings me to ...

3. Thou shalt ask first. 

So let's say you're taking my advice and you've waited until you're balls deep in a super sexy what-would-you-do-to-me conversation. You're now 90 percent there! If you've yet to break the Dick Pic Ice, though, you need to ask first. You can do it in a hot "Want to see how hard I am for you?" way, but you've gotta give a girl the heads up. If she gives you permission, then it's GO TIME.

4. Thou shalt use a good angle. 

Look, I'll be real with you. I love a good Instagram filter, and I know the power of the right lighting and the right angle when taking a photo. Truth be told, when you're in the initial wooing stages of a relationship, I think it's totally OK to use the Power of Good Photography to your advantage. Mirror pics are cool, but I much prefer close ups. One good angle? Where a guy sits up and takes the picture from the front. I'd also advise you not to include your face. Not that we don't love it, but whatever facial expression you're making is likely to be totally ridiculous. (And if you send it to the wrong person, you might end up on guyswithiphones.com. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

And if all else fails? Make her laugh. "Come ON, I've been trying to show you my cock FOREVER," may not have worked right away, but I did stick around for awhile.

Tagged in: sex, nudes, the weekly mindfuck, sex 101, dick pics

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