Netflix Picks: Two Naughty Novels For Your Long Weekend

November 21, 2012
OTTIMO-MASSIMO

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Guess what? You're going to read two whole famous books over the next few days and you're going to feel great about it. Everyone's going to be all, "OMG, you spent Thanksgiving weekend expanding your literary knowledge? Let's have sex!" But you're not going to waste time with text; you're going to be watching the boob-filled film adaptations.

1. Slaughterhouse-Five: People are going to be so happy when they hear that you spent the weekend with Kurt Vonnegut, and all it takes is you saying, "Yeah, that 'Slaughterhouse-Five' is really powerful, man. Makes me think about free will." Meanwhile, you'll actually be thinking about Valerie Perrine as Montana Wildhack and the way her boobs hang in Billy Pilgrim's face. The story is about a nebbish American soldier who survives the firebombing of Dresden and becomes unstuck in time, trips through his life in a nonlinear fashion, and ends up (or middles up?) having a kid with a B-movie starlet. This is one of the most important English language books of all time and it's also one of the most frequently banned books of all time, so it's only right that you consume it with a side of Valerie Perrine boobage at 40:15, 43:50, and 1:27:45.

2. The Story of O: You'll be hanging out in the break room next week and your gal pal will tell you that she finally finished "Fifty Shades of Grey" over Thanksgiving and it was a rockin' good bate-fest, then you'll counter by telling her about the classic French erotic novel "The Story of O" and blast her out of the water with your pretentious taste in porn. Yes! "The Story of O" is about a Parisian photographer who consents to have herself made into the ultimate sex slave; O gets blindfolded, chained, whipped, branded, pierced, and made ever-available for any kind of intercourse, but her permission is always asked and she always consents. Corinne Clery plays the titular character, and you can see her engage in all sorts of delightfully depraved interpretations of Pauline Réage's novel at 8:00, 18:00, 28:00, 42:00, 57:00, 1:02:00, 1:14:00, and 1:23:00.