“Here Cums The Bride” Reminds Us That Post-Marital Sex Is Also Great

To increase enjoyment of this film, imagine that the pornstars you see slapping their groins together are actually newlywed couples who spent all day and night getting married, going through the rituals, dancing with grandparents at the reception, and traveling to the bed and breakfast where they will finally lose their respective virginities and be so inexplicably skilled in the erotic arts that they have simultaneous orgasms that instantly bond them forever with zero chance for divorce.

You've never had that fantasy before? It's a doozy, and if you want to up the thrill, you can imagine that the newlyweds' orgasms immediately lead to pregnancy and their child grows up to be the first female president who, at her inauguration speech, starts off by thanking her mother and father who haven't aged a day since they first had sex because love keeps them young.

Guess what? Jessica Bangkok is in this film! We know she's been around, but it's been almost a year since we've seen her in anything and we are so happy to see her now. Here she's making sweet, sweet love to her hubby, Alex Jones, a man we know little about besides the fact that he has dreamy eyes. He can't keep his gaze off Jessica as his massive member pushes a long, aching moan from the pit of her stomach. We also enjoy watching her eyes close as she drifts off on a sea of G-spot stimulation, but we're far more fascinated by her pubic style, which we believe to be an arrow pointing down at her vulva.

One thing we like about Alliyah Sky and Ryan Driller is that they're not content to screw each other on a bed. No, they bang all over their luxurious honeymoon suite: on the floor, on the couch, by the window, wherever they feel like it. Alliyah's juices run down her thigh and mingle with the shag carpet as Ryan pounds her pussy, spoons her, and drinks in the scent of her ragged breath on her soft lips. When she rides reverse cowgirl, her ass and pelvic bone seem to fit perfectly in his lap, and this detail does not escape them. For their first anniversary, Ryan will write a letter in which he calls them "puzzle pieces who only connect when wet and engorged with blood" and then Alliyah will weep with joy and horniness.

We don't want you to feel like you need to get married to have crazy sex and "Here Cums the Bride" is definitely not a tool for pushing abstinence before marriage, but if you ever feel like tapping into the mythology and symbolism that surrounds the union of souls, you might find that there's a glut of good fappable fantasies there. Like, come on, white stockings and garter belts? You know you're down.

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