Fast Times At “Revenge of the Petites”

Porn teaches us so much. Did you know that routine discrimination by uniformly hot girls against negligibly smaller uniformly hot girls was a thing? Neither did we until "Revenge of the Petites."

Revenge of the Petites

Studio: AMKIngdom
Director: Harry Sparks
Starring: Marie McCray, Skin Diamond, Seth Dickens, Kris Slater, Celeste Star, Dani Daniels, Vanessa Cage, Cassandra Nix, Sativa Verte, Heidi Hanson, Victoria Rae Black, Ashley Jane, Zoey Kush, Riley Reid, Sarah Shevon, Talon, Riley, Victoria, James Deen, Katie St. Ives, Hayden Hawkens, Tia Cyrus, Leilani Leeanne, Jenna J. Ross, Trinity St. Clair, Nina Devon

Review by: Gram Ponante

But if we are expected to believe that there is a network of very lucky cable installers, pool cleaners, and pizza delivery men throughout Porn Valley pairing up with racy housewives, Asian schoolgirls, and first-time lesbians, well, we can accept another wierd-ass porn archetype.

Directed by Harry Sparks and produced by AMKingdom, "Revenge of the Petites" is a tribute to every sweet and cute Oingo Boingo-fueled 80's movie, in which the villains don't disembowel the protagonists and the heroines smell good and wear cutoff shorts.

The adorable Marie McCray doesn't want to go to college, she writes in the essay that serves as the flashback for the movie, because "I'm just too petite." Measuring herself in the mirror, naked, she laments that her vagina is "smaller than a spoon."

Arriving at L.A.'s Hinsdale University with best buddies Skin Diamond and Kris Slater, Marie longs to join the pretty tall girls' sorority, but that organization turns out to be filled with stuck-up leggy mean girls, who film Marie and Skin in a Pledge Week lesbo scene.

The Petites sorority, on the other hand, welcomes the girls with open arms (and, as Roger Daltrey would say in the early 80's) "open legs."

But the hurt has gone too deep—almost balls deep—for Marie and her friends, and they plot their revenge against the tall girls with something that makes them have to run to the showers and rub their vaginas.

While an included second disc contains full-length sex scenes, the feature disc is only a few degrees more racy than "Fast Times At Ridgemont High," which "Petites" also references in a Phoebe Cates/"Moving in Stereo" knockoff scene.

And that is by design. According to producer Kim Neilsen, the lavish production—shot over several weeks with a large cast in locations like an actual Los Angeles high school—was meant to appeal to viewers who liked the titillation of 80's movies .

"Even the bad girls need to be girls-next-door to somebody," he says.

As such, "Petites" really does evoke innocent fun movies like "Revenge of the Nerds" and "Weird Science." There's even a climactic car wash scene.

I think this movie is wholesome in that very porn-specific sense of wholesomeness. Not only does it appeal to the rapidly-aging demographic that would remember the reference material, but also their elders who fondly recall the ensemble movies of late director Jim Holliday.

"Petites" does follow that sometimes-unfortunate porn convention of naming the characters after the people playing them, which is fine in the case of people like Marie, Kris, and Dani, but a little unwieldy if your best friend is "Skin" or your teacher is "Talon."

Finally, "Petites" is the type of movie that, should a younger sibling find it in your stash, wouldn't make him/her think that the world he was entering was a dark and sordid place full of specula, ass-to-mouth, and teary-eyed facial cumshots, and that's a nice thing.

Yes, "Petites" is ridiculous, but it is also sweet, and you just want to do horrible/wonderful things to Marie McCray all the way through it.

· AMKingdom (amkingdom.com)
· Buy "Revenge of the Petites" (tlavideo.com)