Joanna Angel’s Top 10 Movies You Have To See— But Not With Someone You Plan On Having Sex With

When you invite someone over to watch a movie, that's basically code for, "Let's have sex." It's a good 2-3 hour icebreaker with your booty call to snuggle and make little comments here and there about whatever is going on in your chosen feature...before you get to the actual action.

Now, there are lots of movies that get you in the mood. There are also a lot of bad movies that are great for dates when you don't exactly plan on making it all the way through the movie. However, these ten movies can even make the horniest person in the world not want to have sex...including me. So I'm giving you all a heads up on what not to watch on your next date.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: This is the only current movie on my list. It's still in the theater, and it is really an amazing movie. It's well shot, it's well edited, the acting is incredible and you are on the edge of your seat the whole time even if you've already read the book and know what's going to happen. However, if you are a man, and you're interested in having sex with a woman...don't take her to see this movie. It's pretty hard to leave the theater without thinking that all men are disgusting.

Happiness: This is actually one of my favorite movies of all time. I never thought a movie about a pedophile could make me laugh! But yeah: from child molestation, to big fat sweaty guys jerking off to phone sex operators, to really unattractive people having awkward and somewhat disgusting sex, this is certainly not the movie that will get you a blowjob, even from the kinkiest girl on OKCupid.

Precious: HIV, an extremely obese girl from Harlem, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, illiteracy, welfare, and a mentally challenged infant. Yeah... aren't you soooo turned on right now? Everyone really should see this movie, but not if you want to have sex with anyone (even yourself) for at least 48 hours.

Spun: This movie was more or less the prequel to "Breaking Bad," my favorite TV show (also a bad thing to watch on a date but, we are not listing TV shows right now!!). If you really want to watch a movie about drugs, you can get your booty call on after watching "Requiem for a Dream" or "Basketball Diaries"—there's just something way sexier about heroin addicts than meth-heads. No one wants to makeout with anyone after watching people scratch at the welts on their unshaven faces for two hours. Also? There's some kinky fetish play totally gone wrong in this movie. If you have any intention at all of using those new handcuffs of yours, then definitely don't watch this one on your date!

Pink Flamingos: John Waters is a genius, and I learned a lot about film making from watching him speak at my college many years ago. This movie is hilarious, but definitely not sexy. Even if by the off chance that you and your date both get turned on by watching obese transexuals, I'm sure that fetish isn't shared with a soft spot for fecal matter, cannibalism, and a gaping hairy singing anus.

Temple Grandin: I am not going to explain myself on this one. Just look at the poster.

Irreversible: First of all, the movie start out with end credits and all the scenes go from end to beginning, which is confusing and leads you to think that there is something fucked up with your DVD at first... and that could be a real awkward way to start off the night. Once you realize that's just the way the movie goes, then you start getting excited and turned on by Monica Bellucci and you're like, "Alright, maybe this is a good date movie after all." But then, bam! There is like, a 10 minute long rape scene right after a guy gets his brains beat in with a fire extinguisher. Even if you have rape fantasies, this one is pretty gnarly. It's not a good way to set the mood.

Audition: Oh, you think your date will be so impressed by you choosing a movie with subtitles. Yeah well, if you actually want to get out of your tight pants at any point in your evening, then don't rent this movie. "Audition" starts off as a sweet story about a lonely man who gets talked into finding a nice girl through the good old "casting couch" routine. He lucks out and finds one, but pretty soon the shit hits the fan and he ends up in a big sack and later...well, lets just say he develops an issue walking. This movie kicks ass, but if there's a potential bed buddy nearby you better hide the pillow cases and piano wire.

Yentl: Look, I don't mean to be mean and I'm all about gender role play, but there's nothing sexy about Barbra Streisand after the seventies. There's also nothing sexy about her putting on Harry Potter glasses and a yarmulke to play an nerdy boy who sings about his/her problems. Yeah, the movie is ultimately about empowering women, which is awesome and all, but the movie about the girl who surfs with one arm is even sexier than this one—even if you do have a fetish for Jewish ladies (which , I sincerely hope you do... for my benefit!).

Schindler's List: I had to watch this movie about 17 times when I was in Hebrew school. This probably has a lot to do with why I didn't lose my Virginity till the age of 19—and why when I did, it was to someone without a drop of Jewish blood inside their body.

[This post is a part of Fleshbot's Joanna Angel Week. Top photo via JoannaAngel.com.]