Genitals Get Their Own Jingles In “America’s Favorite Commercials Gone Porn”

Porn that parodies popular television advertisements? Hey, this is something we've never seen done before! Is that a good thing? It could be. Either this a fresh avenue for smutty spoofery or parody porn finally jumped the shark.

America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn

Studio: Hustler
Director: Otto Bauer
Cast: Lizz Tayler, Jazy Berlin, Chloe Reece Ryder, Daisy Cruz, Taylor Wane, Nicole Aniston, Otto Bauer, Dale DaBone, Mark Wood, Jenner, Billy Glide

I had high expectations going into this viewing experience. Logically, it seems like it should be easier to take thirty seconds of quirky and loud activity, pick out the most memorable moments, and pornify them in a clever way. Some of the commercials did exactly that, but most did not.

The most successful vignette is a spoof of Dos Equis's "Most Interesting Man in the World" advertisements, starring Dale DaBone as the Interesting Man. Everything about this is, in my opinion, pitch perfect: Dale looks at the camera, beer in hand, says, "I don't always do porn, but when I do, I prefer Tres Equis. Stay horny, my friends." It's a dead-on imitation of the Interesting Man and it's appropriately sleazy! Dale starts undressing Daisy Marie and Jazy Berlin, forcing their mouths down on his cock, and his Interesting Man becomes transforms into an amalgamation of every Spanish male pornstar ever. There's nothing wrong with that though; if Dale wants to channel Nacho Vidal once in a while, we're happy to watch it happen.

Unfortunately, the sex isn't as quite as interesting as the acting. Jazy and Daisy don't really bang Dale together so much as they take turns banging him—there may be a bit of cock sucking or communal clit teasing in between positions, but generally, whoever isn't fucking him just hangs back and masturbates. Furthermore, their moans are disturbingly monotone and they awkwardly ad-lib lines. With a little more energy—and perhaps a bigger surface to screw upon—this could have been an amazing scene.

The FreeCreditReport.com commercial gets turned into "FreeCreditWhore.com," complete with a sassy song and dance routine, and while it's a fairly accurate imitation, it rubs me the wrong way. Instead of singing about saving you money, our advertising bard spits rhymes about how he doesn't like having sex with his girlfriend because she has the clap. Charming! Fortunately, the song ends quickly and Nicole Aniston shows up to screw Otto Bauer's brains out. Her ass always puts on a good show, and this scene bears no exception: at one point, she tries spreading her butt cheeks apart and making her booty clap while she rides cowgirl at the same time. It's impossible to do, but God bless her for trying.

Lizz Tayler also gives an outstanding performance in her spoof of Subway's "$5 Footlong" commercial (aptly titled "$3 Footshlong"), but her scene partner, Billy Glide, brings her down in the worst ways. For one, his acting is a cringefest. Instead of vegetarian he says "vegerenarian," he stumbles over other lines, and he doesn't come close to matching Lizz's energy. Second, he proves himself incapable of pleasuring her, eating her out with a spastic, clumsy tongue, hurting her with his cock, and pounding without rhythm. I understand that Billy has an enormous dick and it's probably difficult to maneuver, but there's no reason for Lizz to wince in pain every five minutes.

"America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" has some great laughs and some intensely hot moments, but not enough and never in the same scene. As if that's not enough of a bummer on its own, the commercials feel very anti-women—for example, the Progressive Insurance lady (Flo) and the Orbitz Gum lady are portrayed as mindless chatterboxes who need to be silenced by cock (Taylor Wane, as the Orbitz woman, says as much: "If you want to shut me up, you could just fuck me. That's right! If you want to shut me up, just put a dick in my mouth!").

There's a lot of potential here, and I'd love to see another attempt at spoofing advertisements (I'd even be happy if Hustler makes a sequel to this film), but "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" is a real disappointment. This was supposed to highlight the "deviant" in "advertisements," but all it's done is highlight the "ass" part.

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)

Lizz Tayler and Billy Glide
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Lizz Tayler and Billy Glide
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Lizz Tayler and Billy Glide
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Lizz Tayler and Billy Glide
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Lizz Tayler and Billy Glide
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Chloe Reece Ryder and Mark Wood
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Chloe Reece Ryder and Mark Wood
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Chloe Reece Ryder and Mark Wood
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Chloe Reece Ryder and Mark Wood
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Chloe Reece Ryder and Mark Wood
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Daisy Cruz, Jazy Berlin, and Dale DaBone
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Daisy Cruz, Jazy Berlin, and Dale DaBone
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Daisy Cruz, Jazy Berlin, and Dale DaBone
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Daisy Cruz, Jazy Berlin, and Dale DaBone
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Daisy Cruz, Jazy Berlin, and Dale DaBone
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Nicole Aniston and Otto Bauer
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Nicole Aniston and Otto Bauer
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Nicole Aniston and Otto Bauer
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Nicole Aniston and Otto Bauer
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Nicole Aniston and Otto Bauer
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Taylor Wane and Jenning
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Taylor Wane and Jenning
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Taylor Wane and Jenning
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Taylor Wane and Jenning
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Taylor Wane and Jenning
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)
Taylor Wane and Jenning
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "America's Favorite Commercials Gone Porn" (store.fleshbot.com)