“Don’t Jump Her” Is Step One in “How To Be A Better Lover”

December 9, 2011
GRAM-PONANTE

Gentlemanly Scott Styles offers common-sense advice on how to please ladyfriends in Wicked's "How To Be A Better Lover." Still, if your ladyfriends looked like demonstration models Lexi Belle, Audrey Bitoni, and Brooke Banner, you wouldn't need the goddamn video.

Styles stresses lube and slowness in this educational video, part of a series that has already seen several titles by jessica drake. He also suggests not switching on the football game immediately after coming.

If Fleshbot's dad had been a mustachioed bodybuilder, he would have very likely given us the same advice as Styles does, which boils down to taking one's time with a lady, else she won't want you back.

And we're willing to believe that this advice is still necessary for people, even in this sex-blog-saturated age. But I would have appreciated more specific advice, like "Don't agree when she says she's fat," "Don't tell her the dog crapped on the couch during sex," and/or "Casually mention how cool she is for hanging around with women not as sexy as her."

Because I'm thinking that the guy who needs to hear "Don't grab her breasts right out of the gate" also needs to hear, "Never tell her that her vagina smells."

This movie is a "Basics" course (will it be distributed in colleges?) so it stands to reason that the flick is chock-full of obvious advice. Furthermore, we can't help but think that the dude who lands Lexi Belle, Audrey Bitoni, and Brooke Banner either already knows how to eat pussy or has enough cash to let them hire someone.

One aspect of the movie I found charming was Styles' assertion that cunnilingus simply can't be filmed properly, thus we watch the back of his head as it describes patterns on Lexi Belle's vulva.

The movie is refreshingly gentle, and Styles does not come off as creepy, which is no mean feat. Speaking of feet, though, Belle tells us that we "shouldn't take (our) cues from porn," even as she props her high heels on Styles' back so that he may eat her better.

And later, with Brooke Banner, Styles pulls out and comes, porn-style, on her stomach. If this is being a better lover, I'm watching the football game.

· Wicked (wicked.com)
· Buy "How To Be A Better Lover" (tlavideo.com)