October 26, 2011 | Posted in Editorial Features by
Time and time again, Tenga proves itself to be the Apple of the sex toy industry; every new product is sleeker, more elegant, and easier to use than the one that came before it. With that in mind, take a look at the new line of Tenga 3D masturbation sleeves: all you do is turn it inside-out and put your penis in. Brilliant.
Remember how you felt when you first used the scroll wheel on the iPod? Of course you do: no one can forget the tactile joys of understanding and successfully using a piece of technology right off the bat. The Tenga 3D gives you that same burst of appreciation for smart design, and then—frosting on the cake—you get to fuck it!
However, there are five models to choose from and they're about $40 each, so this isn't the kind of purchase you can finance and forget. Sure, they're simple, but are they too simple to warrant dropping a couple of Jacksons? Tenga calls these "New Concept Holes," but could they be talking about the hole in your pocket? Let's break this down, sleeve by sleeve. I'll even give these things a score!
Pile: I started off with the aptly named Pile model because I'm adventurous and really love triangles. Flipping it inside-out is extremely easy, but not so easy that the toy lacks grip. After a quick lubing for the toy and myself, I pushed it with a mighty squish and realized that I hadn't poured an adequate amount of lube in the Pile. Those hollow triangles can swallow more goop than I anticipated, and pulling out caused a disconcerting washboard sound to come from the bottom ridge of my glans ratcheting against the toy. It was a bumpy start.
But after a second round of lubrication, everything got better. The triangles aren't rough, but they aren't smooth either. Playing with the Pile is like putting your dick through a gauntlet full of octopus tentacles with the suckers facing in. Not that that's a bad thing, mind you, and since the entire thing is made of the same medical-grade elastomer, you can clench your junk to your desired level of cephalopodic intensity.
No matter what the model is, every Tenga 3D has a smooth bottom that quickly goes translucent as it stretches over the tip of your cock. For rougher textures like the Pile, I enjoyed isolating and squeezing my tip at the top and letting the shaft handle the ridges and bumps.
Score: 3/5 Faps (I guess that's the point system I'm using.) The Pile would've earned more, but it's hard to shake the octopus image. Onto the next concept hole!
Polygon: More triangles? Yes indeed, but they're arranged in such a way that I felt like a geologist exploring the Naica Crystal Caves, and just like those brave men and women, I couldn't last longer than ten minutes inside. The best part about playing with the Polygon is searching for the sweet spots inside; twisting it one way delivered a firm corner to the top of my glans, shifting another made a ridge cradle my frenulum, etc.
All this tossing and turning helped me discover a sweet technique with the Tenga 3D: instead of banging the toy, I found it extremely pleasurable to rotate it between my hands like I was trying to start a fire with twigs. It's something that I try to do with all sex toys, but it's difficult to accomplish with large canisters like the Fleshlight or Tenga Flip Hole.
Score: 3/5 Faps for the texture alone, 4/5 Faps for teaching me about the rotation thing. Speaking of which, that masturbation method felt especially good with...
Spiral: This one, when it rotated around my cock, made me feel like my soul was draining out the bottom of my body. In screwing this toy, I unscrewed myself. Unfortunately, I ended up breaking the Spiral in about five minutes.
I know what you're thinking: "That guy must have a large penis." Wrong, it's like a razor.
This rip shouldn't be treated as Tenga's fault. Yes, I did notice a few flaws and uneven sections of silicon on the smooth sides of these toys, but this toy broke because I pushed it to the limit. I felt it was my duty as masturbation sleeve reviewer to push my penis against the bottom of the Spiral as hard as I could, and frankly, I'm happy that my cock won the contest.
I truly fell in love with the Spiral before I trashed it. It treated my penis with a kinder touch than the Pile or Polygon, but it wasn't boring in the least.
Score: 5/5 Faps. I enjoyed this one so much that I was tempted to use it even after it tore. It wasn't a big tear to be honest, but it would've sprayed lube everywhere. R.I.P Mr. Spiral.
Zen: For those who've always desired to have sex with a Japanese rock garden, the Zen is for you! The smooth, tiny ridges are pleasing to the eye, but stimulation-wise, it's the younger, more timid sibling of the Spiral. It gives you softness with a little something extra, but doesn't provide any memorable sensations, even when rotating around the cock. This was my least favorite model in the Tenga 3D line, but I should note that this has the most potential for realism. It certainly doesn't feel like a vagina—none of these do, unless you know someone with a vagina made of triangles—but by warming it with water beforehand and keeping a tight grip, you can make the softness feel somewhat human.
Score: 2/5 Faps. The Zen was only moderately better than my bare hands.
Module: It's difficult to characterize this model. Its shape brings to mind everything from skyscrapers, to an unsuccessful game of Tetris, to the minimalist music of Steve Reich.
It's not hard to see why this was the roughest ride out of all the Tenga 3Ds, and lubricant only helped up to a point. Even at its wettest, using the Module was like having sex with someone wearing a Softcup: you inevitably hit a ridge that won't budge and it can make things sore after repeated banging. Some people enjoy having sex with Softcup wearers, and all power to them, but it wasn't my thing. Frankly, I felt like the Module was getting revenge for the fallen Spiral.
Score: 1/5 Faps. However, if you started with another Tenga 3D and finished with Module, you could have a 5-Fap-worthy evening.
Tenga always tries to make clean-up easy, and I was surprised that the same goes for these 3Ds. You can get the bulk of the mess washed out with warm water and soap, and it gets even easier when you flip the textured part to the outside. If something really gets jammed in the grooves, it's fixed by stretching and massaging it under the faucet. Man up, touch your own jizz, live a little. Your Tenga 3D's case should come with a nifty drying pole as well.
My Tenga 3Ds didn't come with a drying pole, or a case, or anything like that. Please keep in mind that the toys I received were "mockup samples," which may differ from the market-ready items that you purchase. Maybe you won't rip through the bottom of the toy like I did! Who knows!
Rip or no rip, the price is a tad steep. A lot of guys find that they get bored with a single texture, even during a single masturbation session, and although you can screw the completely smooth side of your Tenga 3D, one toy might not be enough. Buying two would not only set you back some $80, but then you'd be in the ballpark of Fleshlight prices and spending $10 to $15 less than you would on the Tenga Flip Hole (my favorite masturbation sleeve of all time). As cool as these 3D things are, you have to purchase something that can keep up with your fickle fapping preferences.
Frankly, I can get by with just one of these things, specifically the Spiral or Polygon. They require much less maintenance and preparation than other sex toys, they amplify whatever your hand does, and even without the fancy cases, they're ridiculously attractive. I left my unused ones on the dining table for four days before my roommates realized they weren't candles.
So I hope you'll shell out the cash for one (or two) of these Tenga 3Ds. They're clever, they're cute, you'll want to show your friends your sweet new purchases, and then no one will ever see them again because, really, please don't show people the plastic things you've had sex with.