Porn For Straight Girls: He’s Also A Super Fuck

Yes, the special effects are terrible, the acting kind of corny, but the "Superman XXX" parody is funny and sexy enough that it needs to be recommended mere weeks after my last parody suggestion. Who doesn't want super sex?

It's more than a little shocking to me that I haven't recommended any superhero parody porn yet, because I am a huge comic book nerd. But then I remember that a) most comic book parody porn is terrible, b) we've reviewed most of it, and it hasn't been coming out as much lately, and c) no one has made what could clearly be the best superhero parody porn ever, "XXX-Men." You know you want to see Kitty Pryde and Colossus get it on.

In any case, I've never been a massive Superman fan, so I'm not qualified to tell you all the things that went wrong with this movie's accuracy from a purely fangirl perspective. I can tell you that Axel Braun directed this with Richard Donner's 1978 film as inspiration, just like how he directed "Batman XXX" with the Sixties TV show in mind. Based on my vague memory of that original film, this parody takes a couple key scenes and uses them to create a loose version of the plot while inserting lots of silly, nasty sex.

Jor-El banishes Zod et. al., cut to Clark Kent on a plane piloted by a drunken Evan Stone and Alec Knight. Lexi Belle further distracts the two with a threesome, and you know I always love seeing her. Also, Evan Stone's wasted pilot is pretty much a perfect role for him. When the plane starts going down, as neglected planes tend to do, Clark rushes toward the lavatory... and suddenly Superman is holding up the plane!

Another jump, this time to the Daily Planet office. James Deen (really, if all you read was my column, you'd think James was the hardest-working man in porn [Ed. I think he is! - Lux) appears as Jimmy Olson, who gets receptionist Kristina Rose to blow and fuck him in the janitor's closet when Lex Luthor (Eric Masterson) sends a missile straight for Earth. (I told you the plot was loose.) Of course, Superman saves the day again, sending Lex into a total tizzy cured only by the attention of Miss Teschmacher (Alexis Texas). I don't always like Alexis, but I thought she was really good in this! She was enthusiastic, appropriately femme-fatale, and had amazing eyeshadow.

Heeeere's where it gets a little weird. See, I love Axel Braun. And I love Andy San Dimas, whether she's fucking boys or girls. But I can't believe neither of them thought, "Hey, making the whole 'Kneel before Zod!' thing incredibly literal, well, that might be a little rape-y." 'Cause, um, it really is. Not that Andy getting gang-banged by Zoe Voss, Alec Knight, and Hef Pounder isn't awesome in sexual theory. But in this context? Kind of uncomfortable, people. It's not like Lois is particularly unwilling, but still gross.

Obviously Superman defeats Zod and his cronies with laughable ease. He shows back up on Lois' roof to take her for a ride (because he can fly, not anything naughty) and then he lets her get into his red underwear. Only into his underwear. He doesn't even take off the rest of the costume. "They don't call me the Man of Steel for nothing," might be the best line ever uttered in porn. It's also the tagline.

I still liked the sex in "Elvis XXX" better, but this was also pretty great. And because it's based on an actual movie, the plot is a little less ludicrous than the faux-PBS documentary style. So kudos, Axel Braun and co.! And please, work on that X-Men parody, will you? That school is just an orgy waiting to happen.

· Buy "Superman XXX: A Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)

Previously: Porn For Straight Girls Archive