In an interview with Howard Stern, Sheen said he got Bree Olson to retire. Now, the Today Show broadcasted an interview with Sheen and his two live-in “goddesses,” one of whom is Bree. Great, Charlie. Thanks. Really.
We have to wonder: how did he do it? Bree recently left Adam & Eve, she was making terribly sexy films with Jules Jordan and Elegant Angel, and it seemed like everything was coming up roses. We knew she’s been close with Charlie, but we never thought he would cause a total career change. Here are some ways Charlie could’ve done it.
He brainwashed her: Sheen has been calling his girlfriends “goddesses,” he refers to his home as “Sober Valley Lodge,” and there was even mention of the girls fanning Charlie with golden palm fronds. You might think she was “just kidding,” but Charlie is clearly running a tiny cult. In the following weeks, expect to see more young pornstars retire and move in to Sober Valley Lodge. Soon, Sheen will have a retinue of sober, jobless, lethally trained, zealot goddess bodyguards going everywhere with him.
Probability: High. The Qaddafi look is so in right now.
His sex is so good that Bree never wants to fuck anybody else ever again: Charlie Sheen has dated some of the most beautiful women in the world, and had sex with countless others. His game is obviously one of the tightest on Earth. We’re not making any comments about his penis size, staying power, or technique, but let it be known that rakish charm only goes so far.
Probability: Medium. New Sensations wouldn’t have released a parody-compilation out of Charlie’s exploiits if we weren’t partially right about this!
Bree was thinking of quitting anyway: Olson pondered quitting porn a couple of years ago when she said her constant jet-setting was becoming more and more difficult thanks to her formidable fear of flying, so it’s not like she’s never considered leaving the adult world. She’s had an amazing career, she’s no longer a contract girl, and Porn Valley is a rough place! People leave all the time, and Bree is lucky enough to retire at the top of her game and in the company of a loving, non-traditional family. Plus, bowing out with the current King of Crazy keeps her in the spotlight and gives her the little boost of family-friendly facetime necessary to launch a mainstream career.
Probability: Yeah, this is probably what happened.
· Many thanks to Jeff Koga for pointing the interview out to us: Jeff Koga’s Twitter (twitter.com)
· Footage via MSNBC (today.msnbc.msn.com)
