These “Vampyre Lovers” Would Make Anne Rice Blush

And not in the good way. "Vampyre Lovers" will soon replace "Twilight" as the number one vampire movie that encourages its viewers to try abstinence.

Vampyre Lovers

Studio: Bluebird Films
Cast: Kerry Louise, Kaia Kane, Tammie Lee, Stacey Saran, Kit Lee, Kat Lee, Cindy Behr, Tanya Cox, Farra Fox, Sharon Pink, Jasmine Webb, Paige Ashley, Westy

First, we get some vampire-on-vampire loving, as Tammie Lee takes Kaia Kane in a dungeon. They get on all fours and masturbate, baring their teeth and no one in particular. They stand around, fitting new toys in each other, hissing like feral cats. Honestly, the noises they produce make me wish for the predictable dullness of fake orgasmic moans. I fully expected to see hairballs flying at any moment—anything would've been better than that, and that sound is everywhere in this movie.

Next, Kit and Kat Lee stumble upon a homeless Stacey Saran, and circle her menacingly. Stacey soon figures out that they're not after her blood, just her boobs and a few other tasty bits. As fun as it is to have vampiric twins tag team their prey, they don't seem to have a gameplan for dealing with Stacey. It's just all so clumsy! One of the sisters was using a Rabbit improperly, and the bunny ears were constantly jabbing Stacey's butt cheeks.

Another scene opens on Cindy Behr, putting flower arrangements in a church. My first thought: "Wow, what a well-done set!" Second thought: "Wow, is Cindy wearing crotchless panties in a church? How inappropriate." Tanya Cox crawls downstairs, over a pew, and ambushes Cindy. The vampire babe has some deep red contact lenses in, and that's about the only compliment I have to give. The rest of the scene consists of screaming and stupidity, ineffective double-sided dildoing. and a nauseating teeth-baring grimace that never leaves Tanya's face.

It seems like only Kerry Louise knows how this vampire thing works. She's not here to put on a show or flash her fangs at the camera; she just wants to make Farra Fox her sex slave, and she does it with finesse. One minute Farra is closing up her sex toy store, and the next she's on her back with Kerry on top of her already soaking pussy, twisting a dense vibrator in and out. Hers is a lesbian scene first and a vampire moment last, and that's the way it should be.

Westy's run in with the vampire Sharon Pink is similar to Farra's. She was just trying to close her bar down when Sharon appeared on a pool table in a burst of fog. Westy offers little resistance as Sharon pulls her panties off and begins rubbing her with a billiard ball. Since Westy gives in so quickly, there's less of a power dynamic to enjoy, and the scene feels pretty one note.

I can't tell if Paige Ashley is supposed to be a wind-up doll or under a spell or what, but she stands around half-paralyzed with her mouth open as Kaia takes advantage of her. It's a shame, really! Paige looks oddly hot in polka dots and candy cane stripes, but the RealDoll persona gives nothing to the scene, barely a moan to balance Kaia's throaty hissing.

At least Jasmine Webb responds to Kaia well—she even speaks and pleads with the vampire! Kaia wastes no time lubing up her largest dildo to plug in Jasmine's pussy, and she flicks her long tongue across Jasmine's nipples with a glint of evil in her eyes. Unfortunately, her eyes are always looking the wrong way, not even breaking the fourth wall, darting around with paranoia, showing off to no one. There's a point where Jasmine is on all fours, using a dildo to make herself squirt, and Kaia is sort of hanging out, hissing at the camera with one hand on Jasmine's butt. I love Jasmine regardless of her context or co-stars, but I would've preferred her alone.

The only way "Vampyre Lovers" is tolerable is if you don't think of the girls as vampires at all. Just pretend that you're watching a naughty documentary about the latest rash of nymphomaniac goth chicks rolling around at night, taking advantage of big-breasted blonde girls. That way all the hissing and vinyl are divorced from the idea of dark erotica, and can instead be digested in the world of goofy youths exploring sexuality through fantasy.

If you insist on viewing this as a vampire porno, you're going to be disappointed: fangs get in the way of cunnilingus, most of the girls learned their vampire personae from watching bobcats in heat, and the fog machine shows up in every scene.

· Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
· Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)

Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)
Bluebird Films (bluebirdfilms.com)
Buy "Vampyre Lovers" (store.fleshbot.com)